“Tobe, you don’t have to say—”
He stops me with another quick kiss. He’s killing me with his hands on my jaw and his mouth on my mouth. I want this conversation to never stop, and also to wrap up immediately, because I just remembered his truck is somewhere nearby.
“I do have to. I thought about your story. Why you married me.” His hands leave my face, stroke my neck, slide under the coat to rest on my waist, fingers fiddling with my shirt.
“I stopped seeing you. Didn’t I? I tried to distract us from what was wrong, when you needed me to look closer. I could’ve paid attention instead of letting you deal with our families, and your job, and everything that wasn’t easy and fun. Everything I was afraid of.
“So obvious, right?” He passes a hand over his eyes with a laugh of disbelief. “Every time my dad came back, I killed myself trying to be an easy kid. Thebestson. No matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t make him stay. But my tricks worked on everyone else. I’d learned people wouldn’t stick around for the hard parts, so I was the most easygoing, the most fun, the most helpful.
“You were so different. In the best way.” His lip trembles for the tiniest moment, his eyes sparkling with love and pain. “You wouldn’t ask me for anything. You wouldn’t take my help unless there was no other choice. Half the time, you opted out of the fun stuff and went off on your own. You don’t even like sea shanties! But for some reason, you liked me.”
“I like sea shanties,” I protest.
“No, you don’t.” He sticks his tongue in his cheek.
“No, I don’t. But I like when you sing.” I kick at the dirt.
“I’ll sing for you,” he says, voice pitched low.
A shiver like a standing wave jolts down my spine. I glance around the field, suddenly aware of how exposed we are. “Maybe not now.”
“Later, then,” he agrees. “Anyhow. It was… I mean, it was terrifying, how much I wanted you to stay. So when things got hard, I tried to be the hero and didn’t want to see how that forced youinto being the sidekick, or the bad guy. I made it my mission to shine, and pushed you out of the spotlight.
“I held on so tight. Because if the person who never quit decided to quit me, then I’d know it was always me, all along.” His arms clench around me, then deliberately relax.
“But you can’t keep love that way. Love needs room to grow. And you, Diz—you need space to shine the way you were always meant to. I love being at the same company, but we can work in different places for a while. Or forever. I can work on the moon if you want, just as long as I get to come home to you. I love you, Diz. Enough to let you go, if that’s what you need.”
He kisses the tears from my cheeks, one, two.
“Don’t let me go, Tobe. Never let me go, okay?” My love demands more than is possible in this world: more contact, more pressure, all of him, breaking the laws of physics. I wrap my arms around his midsection and squeeze. “Hold me tight. I want… I want yourmolecules.”
Is it possible to love him more because of the way he laughs, like I’m delightful instead of strange? It is. Which reminds me.
“I should tell you, I’m pretty sure I’m autistic. Getting a formal diagnosis takes time, but I did some reputable screening tests, and… yeah. The results aren’t subtle.”
He strokes my hair, spreading a lock between his fingers so the strands pick up the sun. “If it makes sense to you, we’ll go with it. You know that doesn’t change how I feel. But if it changes what you do, or what you need from me, that’s cool. Just tell me.”
“I’m still figuring it out. For now, I only need you, Tobe.”
He slips his shoulders under mine and lifts me up so I can push my face into his cheek, spread my hands wide across his back, wrap my legs around his hips. We stay and stay this way, while he rocks us back and forth.
Magic. It’s the perfect word for everything Tobin and I thought we were doing, because it isn’t real. You can’t make problems disappear any easier than you can vanish a quarter; you can only hide them in your other hand.
Just like you can’t pursue full-body contact in a public place, no matter how much you want to disrespect very expensive clothes by tearing them off and throwing them to the turf.
When I ease back on my attempts to burrow inside him, he lowers my feet to the ground.
“What should we do about work? Did you and McHuge discuss anything?”
“Lyle thinks Craig’s a weasel and trust is more important than easy money. I agree. We have interest from a possible angel investor, though. If we close the deal, you could quit West by North with no reservations. And if we don’t, follow your heart anyway. We’ll find a way for you to go after your dreams, Diz.”
“Meh. I think dreams might be things you make, instead of things you chase.”
“Then I want to make mine with you. If you’ll have me.” His work-roughened hands strike against my skin like flint to tinder as he gathers my fingers and brings them to his lips.
It’s midday, and my eyes are full of stars because he put them there. He’s smiling, all sunshine and no shadows. I’m going to make a note:Think of Tobin’s smile.I’ll keep it at the top of all of my lists.
“Where’s the truck?”
