When we drove home from Béa’s wedding and burned rubber away from his dad.
Improv let us be who we needed to be, sometimes, but at all of our most important moments, we’ve been ourselves.
The words that finally come are “I’ve been so wrong.” The ground is all I can look at right now, grass twitching in the wind. “Ihad it all backward. Taking for granted the people who loved me for who I am and knocking myself out trying to impress people who never bothered to look at me twice. And if I’ve gone too far, Tobe…”
Every breath saws like a knife in my chest. “If you don’t love me anymore, I wanted to tell you it’s okay to stop if you need to. You don’t have to keep trying after I hurt you like that. You can say no.”
He turns his face up to the sun, eyes closed against its fierce brightness. “Liz,” he starts, his voice slow and careful. “It took two of us to get here. I’m not—”
“Please, Tobe. Before you say anything, just, please. Let me finish.”
He breathes out long and soft, lips pressed together. When he’s finished, he nods once.
Here I go. Step one. Establish trust by sharing myself. Not my strengths. My weaknesses.
“I’ve always felt like I was, um. Different. I liked weird stuff. I said the wrong things; I didn’t have many friends. No one could pinpoint it, but I could tell I was… you know. A lot. Too much. So I tried to shrink myself to the right size, hoping that was the answer.
“And then I met you. You’re so, so easy to love, Tobe. Not like me at all. I was afraid that one day you’d stop wanting a wife who couldn’t get friends or jobs and never had good news to share, because she didn’t have that magic that made people love you. No one thought someone like me deserved someone like you. People said it to my face.”
He winces. “People say thoughtless shit sometimes.”
I manage a small smile. “They said it to you, too, huh. At least when I’m rude, it’s an accident. Anyway. I edited myself down to one square inch, and then couldn’t figure out why I was so furious, trapped in this tiny box. Instead of waiting for you to leave, I pushed you away first, when all you wanted was to be on the same team. I told myself I couldn’t let you save me, when it was me who was terrified I wasn’t strong enough to save myself and our marriage, too.
“But you never stopped trying to save us. Even when I banned the word ‘love’ because I was convinced I didn’t deserve yours.”
He waits through my foot-shuffling, finger-rubbing pause, lips rolled between his teeth. He knows I’m not finished; he won’t help me unless I ask, no matter how hard he has to hold his hands in his pockets.
“I didn’t take the promotion.”
“What!? Liz,” he says, part surprised, part dismayed.
“But I didn’t turn it down, either. I don’t want to come to you with solutions I decided on alone. You were right when you said we’d gone down different paths. From now on, we need to choose our route together.
“Long-term, I don’t want to work at West by North. It’s never been a good fit for me. But if you want to go indie, I can tolerate Craig for another year, to give our family financial stability. Once you and McHuge get off the ground, I’ll start job hunting.
“Or… you two can stay at West by North and develop your tour, and I can give notice. Don’t worry about me,” I say, heading off his objection. “I’ve already started asking around my network for potential openings. And it’s a great opportunity for you. Built-in infrastructure and funding.”
The silence is long yet fast, like I’ve jumped out of a plane and the earth is hurtling upward at great speed.
“Is that what you want?” Tobin asks, finally. “To give up your dream job, for me?”
I shake my head. “It’s not about whatIwant. And I’m not giving up something for you, either. It’s forus,together. For love. BecauseI love you, Tobin. I never stopped. I should have told you that, every day. The truest thing about me is how I’m so in love with you.”
The first little smile teases the corner of his mouth, lighting the edge of his eyes blue and gray and gold, like a snowfield at dusk. “You broke your rule.”
“I broke them all. Should’ve known rules can’t stop magic.” I gesture to my clothes, and the field, and him. “You had a lot of misplaced confidence in me, thinking I’d find you here. I would never have guessed this location.”
“I told my mom if you showed up dressed weird, she should tell you where I was.”
“This better be weird enough. I mean, you can see the effort that went into it.” My heart is doing something not right. The rest of my body isn’t behaving that well, either. I wipe sweaty palms across the hobbyhorse’s soft coat, remembering too late that it’s borrowed.
He takes his time stepping closer. Bringing his hand to my face. “Oh, I see you, Diz.”
Knockout punch. There wasn’t a single thing he could say that would be hotter than telling me heseesme. From his satisfied look, he did it on purpose.
Tobin’s other hand comes to my cheek. I close my eyes to feel it. This moment, no past, no future. Him and me, right now. I didn’t realize I’d pushed hope away, afraid to give it space; now it pulses under my skin like a brand-new heart.
“You said I saved us. But you saved us, too.” He’s kissing me. Gently, tenderly, a brush of his heart against mine. When he pulls back, his eyes are full of stars. “You wouldn’t settle for the illusion of love when we could have the real thing.”
