I stare after the retreating vehicles for a moment. “Like… I was kind of embarrassed thinking ‘He’s totally aware what we’re going to do,’ but no… he just went on and on about abductions and murder.”
“Leland is easily confused,” Tavish says. “Just whatever you do… don’t go in the basement.”
“Fucking hell. Alright. Fine. What’s in the basement?” I ask as I get into the passenger seat of the van.
Tavish shakes his head. “Just don’t do it. Just don’t look. Don’t check. Just… trust me.”
“Come on, you have to tell me.”
“Things.”
“What kind of things? Like… serial killer trophies?”
Tavish starts laughing. “Close! Sex… furniture. Scarred me for life the first time I wandered down there.”
“Oh my god… he like… willingly asked you to go down there?”
“Nah, I went down myself and fully regretted it.”
I don’t know why that amuses me so much. “You have some unique friends, but… I really like them.”
“Right? How many people still stay your friend after you threaten to kill them a few times?”
“You also threatened me. Do you ever just stop and question if maybe you should stop threatening people until you get to know them?”
“Nah. None of that sounds fun. So where should we go? We can go to my house, which would be like some added risk. We could go to your place, which is probably also a dash of spicy risk. We could fuck in the murder van! Find a park bench somewhere… up against a tree? We could find a nice rooftop?—”
Why are all of his suggestions high risk or highly illegal? “Or we could go to like a hotel or something…”
“I suppose…”
My phone beeps, and I look down at it and realize Leland has texted the two of us.
Leland: If you’re playing hide the eggplant, you can go to one of my murder houses. I’ll send you the address and tell you the code to get into the house.
“Fucking hell,” I say, my face likely as red as it can get.
Tavish: Good because Ellis was being rather picky.
“Picky?” I ask. “Is scratching the idea of some random roofpicky? I’m horrified now. I liked it better when he thought we were abducting or murdering someone.”
Me: We were just doing… normal… things.
Leland: Jackson has informed me that my word choice was “questionable.”
Tavish: Ellis wants you aware that we are off doing murder since that is less embarrassing.
Me: I never said murder was less embarrassing. Save me.
Leland: Jackson said that he’s questioning Ellis’s true inner path if he believes murder is less embarrassing than when a papa bee sticks his stinger in another papa bee.
Me: NO! I don’t want to murder anyone!
Leland: Jackson said that Ellis should talk to someone about that.
Me: Just give me the fucking address and code to this love shack. Is that better?
Leland: Totally. Code is 6969.
