I spot Mrs Fanny, the author, chatting to Wendy, the nice Zoom lady, who has brought all of her menfellas along. They are mingling with the Welsh Rugby team who have come along on the last day of their ‘bonding’ holiday to make it look like they haven’t just spent it boozing.
And from what I can see, Squinty, the captain, has taken a real shine to Wendy. She is positively glowing, and he appears to be taking her number. I think we may have just made our first perfect match.
There is much excitement in the room.
Mrs Fanny yells, ‘Nell!’ as if she hasn’t seen me for years. Then she swings me around to face her husband. ‘This is Nell!’
His eyes balloon, ‘I tried the lot,’ he says. ‘The vagina-scented candles, the herbs, the crystals, and you’ll never guess what?’ he booms across the small crowd of potential new clients I had been hoping to impress with a good first impression. ‘I’ve never slept so well in all my life! At first, I thought this is mental, a right con, hippy codswallop. But it turns out it’s not!’
God how embarrassing!And yet I simply cannot resist adding fuel to the fire.
‘Yes, Mr Fanny, the soothing, metaphysical properties of howlite release enough energy to help insomnia and reduce anxiety. Although, it’s more of astonenot a crystal,’ I correct him unnecessarily.
‘See?’ Mrs Fanny shrieks to her husband, ‘What did I tell you?’
I’m not sure what she is insinuating but it’s time to get on the coach.
‘Wait for us!’
I turn to see the Hens charging down the street. The group has doubled in size.
‘We invited all of our Hen activity people. They are all entrepreneurs and single!’
There’s a huge cheer from the rugger boys as they pile onto the coach. I learn that one is a mixologist. There’s a naked waiter business. A few beauticians. A few tarot card specialists. Some water sports people. And generally, lots of creative, enthusiastic small business-owners.
Once everyone is on board and seated, I walk up and down the aisle counting heads and ticking names off the guest list. The buzz is incredible.
Jiff Livison is deep in conversation with the IT guy, Max. Jiff has turned up in an outfit that can only be described as thought-provoking (jaunty, yellow, double denim) but they seem to be getting on extremely well. Max has come dressed as a washed-up porn star. His top has a very low V at the front, and he has had the courage to team this with a beaded necklace and a matching beaded bracelet. Even though he is very clearly not a Maori nor an Indian spirit healer.
‘No woman ever saidooh I love a man in crocs,’ Ava whispers in my ear. ‘They are clearly meant for each other.’
My eyes swing from the foam clogs to the pair of battered espadrilles that Jiff is sporting. I overhear Jiff discussing business opportunities with Max who says he is a business development consultant. They are getting on very well. So well, in fact, they are going on a date. I could have sworn that Max worked in IT. Come to think of it, I almostaccusedhim of working in IT. Andinsistedthat he get agirlfriend.
I stop to apologise, and they are quick to forgive. ‘I hope you two manage to find love this evening,’ I say, causing them both to blush profusely. ‘I mean, I hope you find the Law of Attraction works for you.’ Again, I have created an awkward pause and slide away.
On arrival at the retreat, Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen’s mother rushes up to her daughter, holding her face in her hands. She is clearly bursting with pride. Thankfully Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen is taking all the fuss with good grace. The love between the pair of them is almost palpable. I notice Ava is also watching this exchange of motherly love with a sad look on her face.
‘I invited our parents,’ I say, watching Ava’s face fall in disbelief as she turns to find them in the crowd.
‘What the actual fuck?’ She is not happy when she spots them walking through the door.
I make my way over to the entrance, a wide smile on my face. Admittedly it’s a bit awkward, but I’m going to slice right through it with some top coaching. I’m getting my own house in order and I’m moving onwards and upwards. I’ve never felt more determined in my whole life. Plus, it’s nearly speech time and I need to get this over with as quickly as possible.
‘Listen, before you both say anything, I just want to apologise for the way I have behaved,’ I say to my parents, stopping them in their tracks. ‘I handled it all terribly, and I very much appreciate the space you’ve given me to work things out. I feel much, much better now. Sorry it has taken me so long to realise it. And of course, thanks for allowing me to stay at the villa.’
I envelop them both in a huge hug. They cannot believe it. Both parents have mouths hanging open.
Ava scuttles over.
‘What are you two doing here?’ she blurts rudely.
‘Good to see you too,’ my mother says stiffly. I notice she and Ava bristle. Dad gives me a look and a tiny eye roll. My hunch was right. I knew she was hiding something. I beckon them over to the Serenity fountain. Dad is positively beaming. He takes me to one side, leans in and whispers, ‘I’m so relieved to see that you’re much happier than when I last saw you. Has your sister been behaving herself?’
I give him a big hug. I’ll just keep it simple because for one, he’s a man and two, it would be awkward to tell him that the root of all our family problems, may lie with him just sitting back and doing nothing, while our mother pitted me and Ava against each other to live out her own delusional fantasy, resulting in none of us getting what we really wanted out of life or our relationships. Ava, Mum and I need to spend time together and be rid of this ‘thing’, this wedge, that we have allowed to build up.
‘I think your mother is still annoyed at Ava for leaving her job like that,’ Dad says nodding in their direction.
Glancing over, we see them locked in heated discussion.
