A couple of hours later, Maddy was still curled up in the spot she’d claimed on the couch after her shower. She’d been staring blankly at the turned off TV screen, with unseeing eyes.
She felt so tired but her mind was restless. She knew she should eat something but she had no appetite. She kept seeing Nate’s face when she’d opened her eyes. It had been the Nate she’d got to know but also different. She’d left behind this young, heart-stopping guy with shaggy hair, and she’d found this beautiful, put-together man with kind, familiar eyes but also not.
She’d seen her Nate that wasn’t her Nate anymore. Because he didn’t remember her. Or maybe there was nothing to forget. Maybe, it had been a dream after all? A made-up story concocted by her brain under stress? Some sort of made-up happiness that disappeared into nothing?
No.
She refused to believe that. She knew what she’d felt all those weeks. The people she’d talked to, the things she’d done, the things she’d talked about with her nonna, with her parents, with Nate. How her heart had been so full she thought it would explode. How she’d wished she’d never forget.
Then why didn’t Nate remember her? She’d have thought that...She’d seen how he’d looked at… A raw sound that was more suited to a wounded animal escaped her mouth before she could contain it. She felt like she could sob forever. Like she had lost something precious irrevocably. And it hurt, it hurt, it hurt. It hurt so much she’d thought she’d see an open wound in her chest bleeding, and bleeding, never stopping.
She was here. She was where she was supposed to be.
Then why did she feel torn in half?
twenty-seven
The next morning, Maddy was woken up by some very loud knocking on her front door.
She’d barely had any sleep, if she could call it sleep at all. She’d just passed out in exhaustion after finally getting something in her stomach. Her feet had dragged her to her bedroom, where she’d burrowed under the covers hoping to stay in there forever.
It seemed though that someone was determined to not let her proceed with her fabulous plan. Getting up, she threw a passing glance at the full-body mirror which told her that she looked exactly how she felt, and followed the uninterrupted knocking and buzzing.
She knew who it was before she’d even opened the door.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Stacie’s shrill voice did nothing to help the painful headache pulsing in her temples.
“Can you lower your voice, please?” she said, as she moved aside to let Stacie in.
“Oh, I’m sorry, let me repeat that in a lower tone of voice.” She took in a deep breath. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she hissed. “I had to find out from Josh and Nick that you were In. An. Accident. And when I did find out, you wouldn’t answer your damn phone. Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been, Maddy?”
Stacie’s furious expression melted into one of such distress that made Maddy feel a twinge of regret. She knew she shouldn’t have evaded her best friend’s calls and messages, but she just hadn’t been able to pick up the phone and simply act normal. She knew her friend didn’t deserve this.
They had met in university and had been inseparable ever since. On paper, they couldn’t have been more different. Stacie was a social butterfly, effortlessly sought out by everyone, thriving in a crowd. Maddy, on the other hand, avoided people like the plague, perfectly content with books and music as her only company.
But she wouldn’t trade Stacie for the world.
Which was why working in the same department had been one of the best things ever.
Well—except for moments like this, when Stacie found out things Maddy hadn’t told her and showed up to yell at her about it.
She sighed. “I’m sorry, Stacie, you’re right. I should have called you at some point. I just felt and still feel particularly miserable and it just slipped my mind.” Yes, she was miserable, though the almost accident was just the tip of the iceberg.
The hollowness Maddy had felt since the previous day was still there. Not that she’d really expected it to go away. There was also no way to fully explain what had happened to her to her best friend. Stacie was one of the most understanding people there were, but this wasn’t something that could be laid out easily and explained.
And honestly, Maddy didn’t even want to. She felt protective of this ball of ache and happiness and heartbreak and memories that had nestled in her chest. She didn’t want other people to poke at it. It was hers to keep.
“I’m just so tired, Stace.” She made no effort to hide the weariness she was feeling.
And Stacie, being the friend that she was, simply nodded, wrapped an arm around her shoulders and moved them to the couch where Maddy could just be.
***
After Stacie had made sure that Maddy was comfortable, she informed her that they would both be off work that day, which gave Stacie free range to run rampant in her apartment.
She ordered them some food, put on a comfort series on Netflix as background noise, hovered over Maddy to the point that Maddy had to order her to sit and calm down. Her friend had always been anxiety incarnate and Maddy sure hated that she had added, even involuntarily, to Stacie’s anxiety.
They both took some time to relax as much as possible, until Maddy could practically feel Stacie’s stolen glances on her face. She knew what she’d say before she even said it.
