Watching the flashing red lights of the vehicle in front of me as I followed them down the highway to the nearest hospital was the worst drive I’d ever made—and I had driven twelve-horse trailers through a blizzard. Squinting my eyes under the fluorescent lighting of the emergency room waiting area was head-splitting. Waiting to hear whether or not my husband was okay was the most agonizing forty-five minutes of my life.
“Ma’am?” A nurse approached me as I sat on the edge of a chair, waiting for a consensus on Jack’s condition. It felt childish to be tucked into the fetal position in a public place. My hands wrung with nerves as I lifted my eyes to meet those of a man in his mid-forties. Scruff covered the bottom half of his face, shielding me from any hint of an expression, good or bad. It felt like hours since I had been sitting here, waiting for answers, and everything else my vision was too blurred to see. The man could probably tell how in shock I still was, so he knelt on one knee to face me. “How are you doing?”
I shook my head, unable to speak. All I wanted to hear was that Jack was okay.
“He had a panic attack, which often involves the symptoms you described. He calmed down while we were taking his vitals. No signs of anything more serious, but then again, sometimes these attacks can come up out of nowhere.”
The heavy stone in my chest melted into a puddle of relief as soon as the words left his mouth. Worry still resided, but theimpending feeling of doom slowly dispersed. An emotional sigh left my lips.
He panicked.
And I wasn’t there.
I had no idea panic attacks could display such violent symptoms and blatant
dissociation with the world. I thought he was fuckingdying.
“He’s been dealing with a lot of stress recently.” I was surprised at the normality of my voice, despite the situation.
He nodded. “That’s usually the case. Has this happened to him before?”
“Yes, when we first moved here a few months ago.” It all built up inside of him, and he refused to ask anyone for help, just like the first time.
“Were the symptoms similar?”
“They were more severe this time,” I clutched a shirt of Jack’s that I brought with me. “It was the middle of the night. He was sitting up in bed and breathing really hard. I rushed in to make sure he was okay, but it took a little while before he registered my being there.”
“And any times before that?”
I shook my head. “Not that I know of, but he’s dealt with anxiety throughout his life.”
He paused for a moment, writing on a clipboard before answering. “Okay, thank you for that information.” The millions of questions that ran through my head slammed on the brakes when he looked up at me and said, “He’s awake and asking for you.”
Jack
My vision was just becoming unblurred when the rush of events that had just happened came back to me. Muffled voices were speaking my name, and a few others conversed incoherently in the background, but my focus was on one person and one person only.
Maggie.
“I need to see her.” My voice sounded slurred, unfamiliar, weak. I was never weak—never to anyone on the outside. Maggie slid through the cracks once, and I was mortified she saw me in such a vulnerable state. But now, more people were seeing it. Strangers. And all I wanted was my comfort blanket.
“She’s right outside. We’ll grab her for you,” a voice said.
Another voice spoke up. A woman. “Just stay calm and still. She’ll come over here.”
Bodies cleared out of the way as my vision came back completely, only to face the most beautiful, broken woman standing in front of me. Dark, wavy hair and sunken eyes, dark as the forest at night. While her tanned face had paled, and her entire demeanor was shaken up, she was still my strong girl.
Mine.
“Jack,” she cried as she hurried to my bedside. Her arms wrapped around my neck, enveloping me in her warm, cider scent. She was everything I needed. Whatever was going through my mind before I blacked out disappeared. I just wantedher.
I cradled her head with my hands when she pulled back to look at me. Her eyes, filled with concern, searched every nook of my face before frantically checking my shoulders and chest. She wassuch a caretaker. In everything she did. She cared for me like I was hers, just like she was going to care for our child.
God,our baby.
It hit me. I almost took off for a few weeks and left our fuckingbaby. The woman crying in my arms. The woman I would love for the rest of my life. What in the fucking universe convinced me to go through with this?
No one else mattered anymore. It was Maggie and our baby who would be the center of my universe. Fuck polo. Fuck my absent mother. Fuck every possible thing that tried to drag me away from what I loved most in the world. When I was younger, I lived by leaving when things got too serious. Religiously. But that wasn’t happening this time. I would fight for this woman for the rest of my life.Religiously.
