“Maggie.” I let out a breath that softened my chest.
“Are you okay?” Her forehead creased, concern still filling those perfect green eyes. I swiped a thumb across her cheek, catching a few fallen tears.
“Yes,” I croaked. “I’m okay now.”
She pulled away and searched my face like she didn’t believe me, but I couldn’t reassure her before the doctor entered the room. I was discharged and prescribed anti-anxiety medication after twenty minutes, and I finally pulled my wife into my lap when we were safely tucked in the dark cab of my truck. It felt similar to the way I held her after her first doctor’s appointment, where we confessed our secrets about our mothers.
Her face softened as she buried it against my chest, letting all of her sobs and tears fall to my bare skin as rain pattered down on the truck. I stroked my fingers through her silky hair and reveled in her nearness. I just wanted to hold her for the rest of the night. Forever.
“I thought you were dying,” she whispered against my chest.
The words were a punch to the stomach. I would be lying if I didn’t say I thought the same thing. Life was fucked like that. “I’m not dying.” My shaky breath completely defied the statement.
She stayed quiet for a moment. “What happened?”
I hesitated, not sure if I should give her the entire story.
If I admitted what I was about to do—what I was actively preparing to do—did that make me weak? Did leaving in the middle of the night to find my mother make me disloyal to the family I had right here?
That’s the reason you panicked in the first place.
My breath caught as the realization came over me like a wave.
I couldn’t lie to Maggie. This was mywife.The woman I promised the rest of my life to. The woman who promisedmeshe would shoulder my burdens while I took care of her like no one else did. The woman who sat here in my arms, holding me, loving me, begging me to let her help me. And there was nothing I wouldn’t give her.
“Before I tell you, I need you to remember this promise.”
“Okay.” Her voice was soft. Vulnerable.
“Everything I was thinking before this happened was misguided and wrong. I’m on the other side of those thoughts.”
Maggie tensed, and I took a deep breath. “You’re scaring me, but I’ll remember.”
My shoulders were taut as I ran a few starting lines out in my head. There was no way to say this that would make it sound better than it was. I surrendered to the truth. “I was packing…when it happened.” I waited for her to ask,for what?But she didn’t, so I went on. “I know you know things have been weird since last night, and that’s my fault. When I was at Mike’s, Alvita made this comment about how great of a father I am going to be, and how she could tell our love was real from the start, and…”I trailed off, searching for words. Could I ask her the burning question after putting her through tonight?
But like always, her touch soothed me. Soft fingers rubbed the nape of my neck, encouraging me to leap.
“I spiraled. It freaked me out that, because everything seemed fine before my mom left, you might realize you don’t need me anymore and leave the same way. It made me doubt whether or not I was good enough to make you stay. I’m so fucking afraid of being left again, Maggie. I don’t think I would make it.”
She squeezed her hand on the back of my neck tightly and sniffled. “Jack…I can promise you with complete certainty that I willneverup and leave you. I’m not that person, and neither are you. We’re not our mothers.”
Her last sentence echoed in my head.
“I was packing for Africa. I was going to jump on a plane and search for her. Ask her why the hell she wasn’t getting back to me.”
“Jack…” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer, craving her honey scent. Every time I was lost, it always brought me home. “Keep going,” she urged.
I took another deep breath before continuing, letting her calm me. “I started pulling clothes out of drawers and off of hangers.” The words elicited a visual of the messy closet and bedroom before my vision blurred, filled with evidence of my weakest moment. “Then, I read her letters.”
“Her letters?”
“She sent me letters every few weeks. Updated me about her adventures and all of the wildlife she saw. Every once in a while, when I would ask when she was coming back, she would drop hints about her relationship with my dad. About ending it and cutting contact for a while. I hardly realized it until I read them back. And when I did—”
For the first time in decades, it felt like my voice broke on my words. Words that pierced my fucking soul to admit to someone else. That first night Maggie saw me panic, I immediately put up a mental guard between us, convinced that it was a fluke, and no one could ever truly heal me. But this was wrenching my insides like nothing else had. I was on the brink of another breakdown before Maggie lifted her head from my chest and caressed the sides of my face in her small hands.
I looked at her with every bit of helplessness I felt. “Look at our parents, Mags. Both our moms are in the wind. What if we end up like them, betrayed and forgotten?”
“Hey, hey. We’renotthem. Ours isn’t that road. We’re creating a new map, just for us.”
