“You’re right. But you still love her, right?”
My answer was pathetic.
“I know you do,” my dad went on. “And I know you love Maggie. Difference is, you dropped your entire life to show her you love her. Leah dropped her entire life to pursue what she loved more.” More than us.
His words were a punch in the gut.
“You’re not your mother. You don’t need her to believe you can be a good father to your family.”
Well, shit. I hadn’t even told him how I was feeling. He just read me like a book. The way a father should. “Thanks, Dad. I needed that.”
“I’m always here for you, son. Wyoming or Pennsylvania, I’m only a phone call away.”
I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me.
“Have you spoken to Maggie about your concerns?”
I scoffed, which turned into a chuckle. “God, when did you become such a therapist?”
Dad laughed. “You play with enough anxious players, and you learn how they’re feeling before they’re even out of the truck. You’re not different, boy.”
His wisdom made my lips turn up. “Glad to know I’m at the same mental level as your sponsors. But no, I haven’t talked to her about this.”
“Does she know you love her?”
The memory caught me by surprise. I remembered the night we babysat the two little girls I helped today, how I held her in my arms and almost told her I loved her. Then it was the morning her dad called to tell her he was coming to visit. The morning I told her I loved her. When I told her I couldn't give in when she didn’t love me the way I loved her. Then, the night she told me she loved me. Indirectly, of course—how could I ever expect the expected with Maggie? But when she held my face in her hands in the bathroom, after cleaning the blood and broken glass from my face, she told me for real.
I love you, Jack.
The words were so simple, and yet, I wasn’t sure I could breathe the rest of my life without them.
“She knows,” the unwelcome grin on my face gave away my tone.
“And what does she think about that?”
God, I felt like a little kid whose crush told him she liked him back. “She agrees.”
A boisterous laugh left his mouth. “Sheagrees? Were those her words?”
“Okay. Sorry. She loves me too.” The jump in my voice didn’t help me keep my cool. Dad knew I wasn’t like this—that I didn’t fall at the feet of anyone.
“I know, son. She’s loved you for longer than you think.”
His words caught me by surprise, and my lack of response must have encouraged him to go on.
“I remember, a long, long time ago, when Richard and I were playing together full-time and left you two together to play, that girl’s eyes lit up when she saw you. Of course, you were a pretty stupid boy when it came to understanding women…at least until high school…” He trailed off into a laugh, insinuating my playboy phase. I rolled my eyes, fighting a smile. “But let me tell you, Jack, that girl had some gleam in her eye looking at you back then.”
I paused. Hesitated. Or maybe I stopped altogether. Maggie couldn’t have loved me for so long. Wouldn’t I have noticed if she did? His words should have made me feel better. And maybe they healed part of me. But what if she didn’t love me enough to stay? Our parallel abandonment issues surely set us up for failure…right? But it only strengthened my worry that I would never be good enough for this woman to stay with me. That I wasn’t sure if I could keep her happy for the rest of her life in the way she deserved.
“Anyway, I’m taking a set out at the moment, so I can call you back later this evening if you need. Or we can talk tomorrow.” A few muffled noises from the other line told me he was nearing the track and ponying at least five or six horses.
“Yeah, sure. Thanks for your help, Dad. See you tomorrow.”
“Can’t wait, son. This surprise thing you have planned will be perfect proof of your love for that woman.”
And with that, he hung up.
I hurried into the house to dig up something deep in the closet I hadn’t looked at in years. I pulled out a box full of letters and read the messy handwriting. The words that had instilled the lifelong fear in me that I would never be a good enough partner because of who I came from. The secrets. The woman I thoughtloved my dad. I read until my eyes blurred and my chest turned to stone.
