“Heal? He has to be hurt for that to happen. Hurt! You don’t get it! I already had the chance to protect him, and I failed at it.
“It’s my fault that…I saw him dying once before. I saw him bleeding fucking everywhere. I couldn’t even tell it was him—he was covered in it. His eye was…fuck…and he was naked and broken.”
Finn presses the heels of his palms over his eyes like he’s trying to block out the mental images from the morning Nix was brought in.
“How far did he have to crawl to get that bus driver to help him, hmm? He would have had to drag his leg behind him because he couldn’t have walked on it. Luca, he fuckingdied. He died so many times, and I can’t stop seeing how hurt he was when I close my eyes.”
He hits the cabinet with the back of his head—once, twice, three times. “I can’t stop. Make it stop.”
Luca wants to throw up. What Finn is describing is almost too much for him to bear.
“Finn.” He makes sure to keep his voice down, so he doesn’t wake the others, and finally puts his hand on Finn’s leg.
Finn flinches again, but he stops.
Luca stands up, mindful of the glass, and grabs his two wrist ice packs from the freezer. In an instant, he’s got them pressed against Finn’s wrists. They’re bitterly cold, and Luca knows well how they burn on bare flesh. But it’s safe, and it helps him physically reset when he needs it.
He hopes it will do the same for Finn.
Finn gasps but doesn’t pull away, meeting Luca’s eyes for the first time.
They sit like that for a long moment—just staring at each other—while Luca pumps out soft, sweet mocha and humsWhen I Was Your Manunder his breath.
He tries to think only about Finn, only about this single moment, and not about any of the big things he can do nothing about right now.
One moment at a time.
They can do that together. Just Finn and Luca.
“I’m scared.”
Luca thinks he imagined it at first. It’s whispered so quietly, and Finn turns away immediately afterward like he has something to be ashamed of.
“It’s okay to be scared, Finn. Butthisisn’t just scared. You know that, right?”
Luca drops the now-warm ice packs into the sink to deal with later.
Finn reaches out to the dog, and Tsuki creeps closer, licking his cheek before settling into her earlier position.
“I’ve been dealing with it,” Finn murmurs. “The sweater helps when it smells like Nix, and when we’re all together at home, it’s…normal. Mostly.”
Luca watches him carefully. “But you’re not sleeping well, right? And loud noises freak you out? And when we’re arguing, it’s hard? And when Kooky-Tsuki barks, it makes you feel like a bomb just dropped on the house?”
Finn lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah. It’s so embarrassing.” He rubs his eyes. “Ran into a patient on their way to the O.R. after a car accident today. It was…bad. It felt like I was still living it, Luca. Just a surge of the exact same fear and grief I felt back then.”
He exhales sharply, shaking his head. “I locked myself in the staff bathroom for an hour and missed my meeting with Riordan. Had to lie and say I had stomach issues. To my boss, Luca. Ugh.” He groans, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. “I feel like an idiot.”
“I am so sorry that happened to you, Finn. But you don’t have to be ashamed of this.” Luca keeps his voice steady and calm. “What you saw was really terrible. Anyone would feel like that if they had seen someone they loved hurt in such horrible ways. More than anyone, you know what it really looked like—what all those injuries meant.”
Finn sucks in a breath and looks away, but Luca isn’t done.
“What you feel is important. Please don’t hide it from us. Or me, if youdon’t want to talk to the others about it yet.”
Luca stands, reaching into the fridge for a juice box and popping the straw in. While he’s at it, he grabs Grayson’s dark chocolate from the door.
“Watch the glass, please,” Finn whispers, but he still accepts the drink as Luca breaks off a piece of chocolate and pops it into his mouth.
“Ew, Luca. Apple juice and chocolate? Gross.” But despite his objections, he opens his mouth for another piece like a baby bird.
