‘Is that why you’ve been avoiding Natalia and the other women?’
‘No, that’s… I don’t think they particularly like me either.’
Flick frowned in confusion. ‘Luke, you have nothing to worry about in the bedroom department. What we shared was… magnificent.’
A smile lit up his face. ‘Really?’
She nodded. ‘You’ve definitely helped me back on the horse. I haven’t been with another man since Ryan. I’ve dated other men, but I haven’t slept with anyone.’
‘Tell me about him. What happened with him that put you off being with another man?’
‘So many things. Like you, I don’t know what I saw in him. He was really sweet to start with, he was so attentive and charming, always saying nice things. He’d take me out for dinner or nice days out. He was always ringing me, texting me, wanting to spend time with me. It was so different to how my previous boyfriend, Charlie, had been where I barely saw him and he almost never messaged me. I guess I was flattered by the attention, but even at the beginning I thought it was a bit too much, sometimes I’d get fifty messages a day from him.’
She absently stroked a finger across his chest. ‘Although there were other red flags, I chose to ignore. He wanted me to cancel plans with friends to spend time with him which I didn’t and he wasn’t happy about that. He’d get so sulky if I didn’t do the things he wanted me to do. He was used to getting his own way. He grew up rich and if he wanted a pony or a quad bike or the latest game console, his mum would get it. He was spoiled and entitled about everything in his life, including me. He was so ridiculously rich. Although I didn’t know that when we started dating. If I’d known, I’d probably have avoided him like the plague.’
‘You don’t like rich people? What if I was to tell you that I’m secretly rich and famous?’
She smiled at the joke. ‘Thank god you’re not. Living in London there’s a lot of rich pretentious people there and most of them are complete arseholes. From experience they have such a huge sense of entitlement. They feel like things should be handed to them on a platter just because Daddy’s rich. Ryan would buy me things,stupid expensive things, and then expect me to have sex with him and get very irate when I didn’t want to.’
‘Flick, that’s horrible.’
‘I know, I just wasn’t comfortable enough with him to want to sleep with him. That should have been a red flag in itself. I guess my subconscious was trying to tell me not to trust him so I kept telling him I wanted more time. The more he pestered me about it, the more I pulled away. I think he saw it as a bit of a challenge and bought me more things: a diamond necklace, ruby earrings, it was ridiculous, I didn’t want any of them. I never wore stuff like that, not just because I couldn’t afford it but it wasn’t my style. I’d wear a starfish necklace or one with a dragon or a seahorse. I don’t even have my ears pierced so earrings were a bit useless.’
She shook her head as she remembered. ‘I know I sound so ungrateful but the things he bought me weren’t for me anyway, they were for him. I’ve always dressed in bright colours but he said black was classier so he’d buy me black designer dresses, black shoes, black handbags and get very upset when I didn’t want to wear them. It was the oddest relationship. I kept on thinking why is he with me if he doesn’t like me the way I am. But he could turn on the charm when he wanted to. Every time he could see that I was pulling away, he’d pull out the charm and compliments, tell me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me, how he was one of the richest people in the UK and could have any woman in the world and he’d chosen me. It made me feel incredibly flattered. He said he only wanted to make mehappy and didn’t I want to make him happy too. He said wearing a black dress was such a small thing and he made me feel silly for protesting against it. So I wore the clothes he bought me when we went on dates but looking back I started losing who I was. And then there was the sofa and I’m still angry about that.’
‘What happened to the sofa?’
‘I had this beautiful peacock-blue sofa with these gorgeous cushions that had peacock feathers in golds and greens. It was second hand when I bought it so it was a little threadbare on the arms but I had all these blue and green accessories in the flat to go with it. And it was so soft and luxurious to sit on. I loved it. Every time I’d walk through the door of my flat it made me smile. One day I came home to find he had replaced it with a very dull, dark grey one. I was horrified. He took my spare key from my overly trusting neighbour and just got rid of my beloved sofa. He never even asked me. I was so angry. He knew how much I loved that sofa because he mocked it when he first saw it and said it belonged in a brothel. I told him it was the most beautiful sofa in the world and it was my most favourite thing I owned. And he just threw it away. We had this big row where he said I was so ungrateful and behaving like a child and after he stormed out, I was left feeling like I was being unreasonable. He had perfected the art of gaslighting and I ended up ringinghimand apologising. He said that everything he did for me wasn’t good enough and he didn’t think I loved him because I never wanted to be intimate with him.He basically guilted me into agreeing to sleep with him.’
‘This guy is giving me the creeps and I haven’t even met him.’
‘I know. Tabitha calls him Red Flag Ryan and he really was. So we meet up the next night, have dinner at a hundred miles an hour because he’s rushing me. He takes me back to his place and as soon as we step through the door he was all over me. It was like a lion mauling his prey. He literally tore off the dress I was wearing. Thankfully, it was one of the horrible black ones he’d bought me not one of mine. So I’m naked on the bed, he’s still fully clothed, he’s kissing me and grabbing me like he’s never seen a naked woman before and he doesn’t know what to do, I’m trying to slow him down and suddenly he leans over and pulls out a pair of handcuffs.’
‘What? I mean I know some people like that kind of thing, but surely there should have been some kind of conversation about it before he springs them on you.’
‘Exactly. I had no idea he was into that sort of thing. I thought he was going to grab a condom. He said he wants to have sex with me handcuffed me to the headboard. I absolutely did not want to do that. It wasn’t something I’d done before or even wanted to. He got so sulky and annoyed when I said no. He said I was immature and that women loved been tied up or handcuffed. He made me feel like there was something wrong with me for saying no. He said if I trusted him I’d let him do it. The thing was I didn’t trust him, I just couldn’t tellhim that. Looking back I don’t know why I let him badger me into doing it, why I wasn’t strong enough to stand by my answer. But he was pleading with me and telling me I’d really enjoy it and so I caved and I hate that I did. He handcuffed me to the headboard and the second they were on he gave me such a triumphant look. He said he was in control now and he could do anything he wanted with me.’
She realised Luke was stroking her back and she looked up at this kind, wonderful, brilliant man and couldn’t help but smile. She felt so incredibly lucky to be lying here next to him. Whenever she’d spoken about this before, she’d always felt that panic rise up in her as she relived that night but she didn’t feel that way now. She had never felt so completely safe as she did right now cuddled up in his arms.
‘He starts to undress and he’s staring at me the whole time with this cold look in his eyes, there was no affection there, it really started to freak me out. He comes back to the bed and pulls out a blindfold. I said there was no way I was wearing that and he laughed and put it on me anyway. It was horrible. I hated feeling so vulnerable, I could barely move, I couldn’t see, my heart was beating so fast that I thought I was going to pass out. I told him to stop, that I didn’t want this.’
‘Did he stop?’
‘Not right away.’
‘What the hell does that mean?’
‘Well he carried on touching me for about another five seconds and by this time full-blown panic kicks inthat he isn’t going to stop at all and I start screaming at him. He stopped pretty quick after that and he undid the handcuffs. But he said I obviously didn’t trust him and I told him I didn’t and that was it, after several cross words, we were over. The next day I parcelled up every single gift he’d given me, the ridiculously expensive jewellery, the clothes and sent them all back. I contacted a local charity to remove the sofa and tried not to think about him ever again. I felt nothing but relief that it was over.’
‘I’m so sorry you went through that. I can understand why it scared you.’
‘Oh, he probably wouldn’t have done anything bad. He phoned me the next day to apologise, he said he thought that being an alpha male was what women wanted. I told him being an alpha didn’t mean he had to be a dick.’
‘Yes exactly. Sex should always be fully consensual, especially when dabbling with stuff like that. He should never have badgered you into it when he could see you weren’t happy about it. And stop means stop, no matter what.’
She smiled and stroked his face. ‘It would have been very different if I’d done that kind of thing with you.’
‘Yes, if I’d brought out handcuffs during sex and you looked even remotely turned off by the idea, the handcuffs would be going in the bin. But I have no desire to control you or be in charge in or outside the bedroom, so we’d probably never be having that conversation about handcuffs anyway. Besides, I liked you touchingme when we made love, so I’m not sure what kind of pleasure I’d get from handcuffing you, I’d be missing out more than anything.’
