I place my hand against the headstone, fingers brushing cool stone. “Help me be brave, okay?”
I stay like that for a while, just breathing.
Not breaking. Not unraveling. Just…breathing.
It’s new. To sit in the sadness without drowning in it. To miss her and be angry and feel guilty and still want more for myself.
Maybe healing isn’t some huge moment. Maybe it’s this.
Choosing not to run.
Choosing to sit still.
Choosing to stay, even when it hurts.
A breeze cuts across the back of my neck, and for a second, it almost feels like a hand. Like her hand. Like she’s here. Or maybe, I just need her to be.
Either way, I whisper, “Thank you,” and press my palm flat to the stone one last time.
When I stand, my legs are stiff, but there’s something steadier in my chest. Not peace. Not yet. But maybe the beginning of it.
I turn toward the path, the weight still there but not dragging me under.
This time, I’m walking away—not because I’m avoiding the pain, but because I’m finally ready to face it.
Back behind the wheel of my car, I start to head back towards campus. I blink rapidly against the burning in my eyes as I take a turn without thinking, my body leading me to the only place that’s ever given me peace.
The beach.
I park the car and just sit there, my fingers still curled around the steering wheel, my body locked tight. The rhythmic crash of the waves against the shore is muted through the closed windows, but I can still feel it.
Was it ever the ocean that made me feel safe?
Or was it the boy who used to stand beside me, holding my hand in the sand, telling me stories about all the places we’d go one day?
My throat tightens.
I lean my head back against the seat, staring up through the windshield at the stars scattered across the black sky.
If I close my eyes, I can still hear him.
"Come on, Mads. You really think we’re gonna stay in this town forever?"
"I don’t know. Maybe."
"Nah." He had grinned, nudging my shoulder. "We’re gonna see the world. We’ll go to Italy first. You can eat all the pasta you want. Then, Greece, because you’re obsessed with the white houses on the cliffs. Then, maybe somewhere totally random. Like…Iceland."
"Iceland?" I had laughed.
"Why not? We can see the northern lights, just you and me."
"Just us."
My eyes snap open.
My chest heaves with every shallow breath, my mind racing with a hundred different emotions, a thousand regrets.
I should go home.
