Page 2 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight
“One more quickie,” Gram said. “How we gettin’ out of here?”
“I’m gonna click my heels three times and say there’s no place like home,” I told her.
“Works for me,” she said.
I sure as hell hoped it worked for all of us.
Seconds before I gave Gram the go-ahead to set the world on fire with her filthy mouth, Alana Catherine spoke. Her voice was loud and clear. Her words were damning. She knew it. Gram knew it. I knew it, and the Higher Power knew it. It trembled with so much outrage, I wondered if It was about to obliterate the entire plane.
“You have broken the laws you created,” my child said, pointing at the book. She glowed brightly in every color of the rainbow.
“Well, I’ll be,” Gram muttered. “I’d put up with all kinds of rain to see a rainbow like that.”
“You,” Alana Catherine continued, her voice booming through the valley. “You have removed souls from the Light who did no wrong. You pulled them out for your own selfish reasons.”
“So what?” the Higher Power snarled. “What do you think you can do about it?”
Alana Catherine was calm, cool and collected. Her skunk army hung on her every word. Their asses were directly aimed at the Higher Power. A group butt blast probably wouldn’t kill It, but that wouldn’t be what anyone would call fun. “It’s not what I will do about it. It’s what you will do about it. The punishment for your crime is death. You wrote the law. You wrote the punishment. The question that hangs in the balance is what areyougoing to do about it?”
“Nothing,” It snarled.
“That’s stupid,” Gram yelled. “What in tarnation have you been smokin’, Fake Monty Hall? Laws are laws. You heard my great-grandbaby. Ain’t no one above the dang law. Not even the real Bob Barker. I’m thinkin’ it might be time for an Immortal election. Y’all need to get you a new leader that ain’t batshit crazy.”
“Fine,” It bellowed, causing a harsh wind to whip through the field. “You win this round. Leave my plane.”
“And what about the punishment for your crime?” Alana Catherine demanded, not backing down. “If it hadn’t been for Gram, my mom and me, the dead would have been reduced to dust. That’s in the law book as well. You would have been looking at a double death sentence.”
“You,” the Higher Power hissed, looking at my daughter. “You should not exist.”
“Why?” I demanded. “Why should my child not exist?”
It refused to answer, but It still hadsomething to say. Assholes loved to hear themselves talk. It was the OG of assholes. “Unnatural things should be destroyed. Abominations should not exist. EVER.”
Are you fucking kidding me?” I shouted back, infuriated that the disgusting waste of space had just called my daughter an abomination. “None of us are natural. We’re Immortal. That’s not natural. My daughter is a miracle. She will be anything she wants to be, and I will support her.”
“Put that in your pipe and smoke it, turdknocker!” Gram yelled. “Along with all the crack you’ve obviously been chewing on.”
“Umm… I think people smoke crack,” I told her.
“Whatever,” Gram said. “That loser got the meanin’.”
And apparently Alana Catherine did as well…
“Oh my gosh,” she cried out. “I know. I know why you want me so badly. You want?—”
“NO,” It shrieked, completely losing Its shit. “Whatever you think is wrong. LEAVE MY PLANE!”
The explosions were violent. They rocked the plane and set the field aflame. I grabbed Gram and sprinted for my daughter. Without missing a beat, Alana Catherine extended her arms to the furry creatures, and they dove back into her. That solved the problem of how to get them home. The next issue on the list was whether pulling a Dorothy to get the hell out of Oz was going to work. The flames were searing hot and coming at us fast. Wrapping my arms around Gram and Alana Catherine, I clicked my heels together three times.
“There’s no place like home,” I shouted.
Nothing. We were still in the middle of the inferno.
“There’s no place like home,” I shouted again.
Nothing.
Alana Catherine looked at me like I’d lost my mind. She wasn’t far off.
