Page 1 of Someone Save My Midlife Tonight
CHAPTER ONE
Last year,if someone had told me that I would travel to a plane that wasn’t on Earth and that I would battle fake Alex Trebek, fake Bob Barker and fake Monty Hall for my life along with the lives of my dead grandmother and grown daughter who was supposed to be a baby, I would have tossed them into the trunk of my car and dropped them off at the looney bin.
That was then. This was now.
Now was terrifying.
Candy Vargo often said that things could always get worse. Her words were coming true.
The plane of existence was unfamiliar, the rules were unknown and although I was assured I couldn’t die permanently here, I wasn’t so sure…
When Alana Catherine’s freeze spell wore off, the Higher Power flew into a rage. It destroyed the entire soundstage with a flick of Its finger, then shrieked so loudly the rest of the building fell around us. I covered my daughter and Gram to protect them from a large beam crashing toward us, but in a poof, it disappeared. The wreckage of the game show set beganto morph and transform until it turned into a stunningly gorgeous field in a valley of wildflowers. It was surreal.
The beauty of the surroundings clashed with the fury of the being who resided on this plane.
“You shall pay,” It snarled. “None of you will leave this place. Ever. You fucked around and you’re about to find out.”
“No,” Alana Catherine said. “You’re wrong.”
The Higher Power was taken aback at my daughter’s words. It was crazy, but I thought I saw fear for a brief moment in Its eyes. That had to be wrong. Why would It be afraid of us?
“I. Am. Never. Wrong,” It snapped. “My word is the law. The laws have been written in stone, and a little half-breed girl can’t subvert her way around them.” It laughed menacingly. The sound shook the ground we stood on. “I made the laws, and I’m the only one allowed to break them.”
“I call bullshit,” she said. Alana Catherine clapped her hands. An ancient book appeared. It floated in the air in front of her. The Higher Power gasped. Its eyes narrowed to slits, and It punched a hole in the ground, creating a huge crater.
Crap. The divide was vast, and getting over it to get to the Higher Power was going to be a challenge.
Gram grabbed my hand. “Daisy girl,” she whispered. “I know that there book. I seen Heather use it.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I’m thinkin’ it’s the Immortal Book of Law,” she said, sounding a little frantic.
That was nothing. My stomach was one big painful cramp. “Why does Alana Catherine have access to it?” I asked under my breath.
“Goin’ out on a limb here, but I’m gonna say our little gal might be the future Arbitrator Between the Darkness and the Light.”
I looked at her askance. How was that even possible? As of five minutes ago Alana Catherine was the future Death Counselor and possibly the future Soul Keeper. And now? I had no clue what my child was destined to be.
When the skunks flew out of my daughter one by one, the Higher Power backed up a bit. Even though the crater was a barrier, It wasn’t pleased that the skunks had shown up. I recalled Alana Catherine’s words—Spiritually, skunks symbolize fearlessness, protection and balance. The black and white of their fur embodies the balance between the dark and the light… Was the Higher Power afraid that Its careless disregard of balance was going to bite It in the ass? Did the skunks come out of my child to remind It of that?
The adorable little stinkers were armed to the butt. They surrounded my daughter in protection. I wish I could say that it gave me a sense of peace, but it didn’t calm me at all. Not one little bit. I’d watched them get decimated by a machine gun-wielding Fake Vanna White less than an hour ago. What could they do against a being that had created life as we knew it?
Again, I felt like I was in the middle of a fever dream. This didn’t look like it was going to end well. Mentally, I gauged the distance that It was standing from me. Alana Catherine’s safety was my biggest concern. She was powerful, but how could someone who was a freaking baby this morning fight the Higher Power with a book and a bunch of cute mammals? She couldn’t. However, I could kill the bastard and get us out of here. I knew the Higher Power wouldn’t die permanently, but it could buy us some time. Jumping the crater was iffy, but I was fast. If I got up enough speed, I could make it.
“Gram, when I say go, I want you to cuss like you’ve nevercussed before.”
“You want it worse than the string of words I strung together a little while ago?”
I glanced over at her. “You can be nastier than that tirade I lived through?”
“Way,” she assured me with a thumbs up. “You should hear Candy Vargo in her sleep. It’s a hot mess of poop words. I might be old and technically dead, but I got a memory like a steel trap. I can singe the hair right out of your ears.”
That news was frightening and fabulous at the same time. “You’re going to distract It. I’m going to kill It. Then we’re leaving.”
“We takin’ the skunks home?” she asked. “I think Alana Catherine will be real dang disappointed if we don’t.”
“Umm… I wasn’t planning on it, but I suppose I could make it work.”
