Page 81 of Toy No More
WhenIcamebackto work, I knew nothing would be the same, and it isn’t. Nothing feels as it did before. Whether that monumental shift is because of what Jasper did to me, the change in leadership, or even the moment I shared with Apollo that I can’t stop thinking about, my body won’t listen to me and I remain on edge with every step and every look.
Like this cursed meeting with theRippers.
Stupid fucking name for a bunch of inhumane edge lords. It would have almost been funny how pathetic they are if they weren’t an actual group of human traffickers. And now Jasper is here, together with me and several other people, chatting up their leader.
Watching them from the car, I keep tapping my finger against the wheel. Jasper and the stocky man wearing a black balaclava that reveals only his eyes, stand in the middle of the abandoned industrial complex we drove to for this meeting, surrounded by a circle of cronies from each group sharing threatening glares and gripping their weapons.
It’s all like some shitty crime show. I’m waiting for the cops to burst in and start gunning us down, and because I haven’t dared to contact the agents, I might as well end up dead, too.
The thought almost doesn’t bother me. Sure, I don’twantto die, but…all these horrible people—three cars full of guys on both sides—snuffed out for the greater good? Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. Would be at least a net positive for this city.
I know for sure Solomon Zane would never stand for this. He’d never deal with human traffickers. He despised them, like Mr. Wilson and the rest of the old guard did.
But Jasper is a new kind of animal, as he would say. An apex predator capable of any depravity who intends to bend everything around him to his will or destroy it trying. And it isn’t just him. All these young pups, hungry for power and constant adrenaline, are coming out of their dens, wanting a taste of the bloodshed to come.
I hate where this is going. I hate being the tiniest part of it.
They both laugh and shake hands, clearly having arrived at a mutually beneficial agreement. I dread to think what that is.
Jasper returns to the car shortly, and so do Gibbs and Lenny. “Drive back,” he orders me without making eye contact.
He’s been harsher since ourlittle incident. I guess I have no right to complain. I spoke against him and learned my lesson, but there’s no doubt about the shift in everyone’s attitude around me. Even the way guys like Lenny or Gibbs look at me. That sliver of respect, the ‘let’s give this omega a chance’ that was there before, is gone now.
Everyone saw Jasper reduce me to nothing without lifting a finger. Those who didn’t see it heard about it. They still whisper when I pass by. With that one action, Jasper all but gave everybody the okay to see me as inferior to them. No one’s tried anything since the prick that Apollo saved me from, but I know it won’t be the last time. It will only get worse.
What is there for me to do? Other than to steel myself against it—against the looks and the prejudice—and keep pushing like I’ve always done?
So I obey quietly, as I should, and drive us back.
The Dollhouse traffic has returned to normal faster than I expected. It only took a few days for people to get over the death that shook the entire community and resume lusting after warm bodies.
I search for Apollo in the crowds any time I pass through, but don’t see him. The tight sensation in my chest is something I should control and smother. I know it isn’t appropriate. For me to recoil at the idea of those men touching him.Hurtinghim.
Of course, I have no right to feel any kind of possessiveness toward him. Or jealousy, even. But ever since that day he asked me to call him by his name with such vulnerable desperation, it’s like Apollo opened some door inside my heart that can’t be closed again.
You always do this. You fall for people like an idiot.
“Go home,” Jasper barks at me after a while of me standing outside his office. I ignore the disdain behind his words and nod, glad to leave the wretched place.
Still, I can’t help but wonder if Apollo’s looking forward to coming home every night like I do. Can’t stop myself from thinking that he would have been happy if it weremehe was coming to. Stupid, stupid ideas. He isn’t mine. Isn’t anyone’s. And he can make his own decisions. Being with Jasper is what he wants…no matter how impossible to understand that is for me.
By the time I get to the apartment, it’s clear there won’t be anyone greeting me. Carefully, I unlock the door and slither inside. All lights are off aside from the flashing hues emanating from the TV. I quietly make my way to the couch, where Skyler and Marci sleep slumped against each other.
I smile, feeling an equal amount of joy and guilt. They must have tried staying up for me. I know Skyler wanted to watch that movie he keeps talking about, now that I was finally starting to feel better and my heat was over.
Motionless, I stand above them, studying their innocent faces.
I try to leave my work at the door, but how can I? All I see is that people like them, the two humans I love the most in this world, are the exact people Jasper and those alike him prey on. The weak. The good. Decent, regular people. The ones lucky enough to not have seen the full extent of what humanity can be.
I sigh to myself and turn off the TV. I don’t want to wake them up, so I cover them with a blanket and go into my room.
My body might have mostly recovered from the damage Jasper wrought on it, but now I am exhausted in a completely different way. In a deep, existential sense. I just want things to finally get better and yet, all I see in front of me is a road leading nowhere good.
I sit at the edge of my bed, my eyes drawn to the side table. That card is inside. Hidden beneath a bunch of packets of pills, tissues, random booklets and a sleeping mask an ex left here a long time ago.
Reaching for it makes me feel like I’m doing something horrible. And I am. I stare at it, the names on it, and the logo of the government agency that stands out against the white.
There are many negative qualities that are tolerated in this business. If someone’s lazy or rash or a coward…it’s all seen as a fixable issue. An area for improvement. Even the worst of the worst are given a chance as long as they possess the one trait that really matters: loyalty.
