Page 80 of Toy No More
That is when an urge comes alive from somewhere deep inside me. A fierce, terrifying yearning for something I haven’t felt in so many years. Not once. Not a single time since I took my new name.
The moment it enters my mind, it’s like I want nothing else. Nothing else but Kobe looking at me with those eyes and saying that one word. The need gnaws at me, burning me up, rattling, threatening to consume me if I don’t give in.
“Dani,” I say, probably so quietly he can’t hear. Kobe focuses his gaze on me, noticing some kind of shift, and tilts his head questioningly. “Call…call me Dani.Please,” I whisper, my voice trembling. It feels as if I’m giving something up. As if I am surrendering power over myself to him, but I’m not scared. Instead, a wave of relief passes over me, second in intensity only to the nervous anticipations of his response.
Kobe widens his eyes. The movements of his hands slow while his other hand softly brushes across my cheek.
Why is he looking at me like…that? Like he’s seeing me for the first time?
My chest constricts and cheeks prickle with tears that build up somewhere within.
“Dani…”
My heart skips a beat before it sets off to pound a million beats a second.
That name was something I chose to leave behind. It was tied to the person I was before; sad, desperate, lonely, useless. The kid his own parents didn’t want. The boy that old men pulled into a disgusting, terrible world of using his body and feeling worthless because of it. I thought it was burdening me and felt empowered when Jasper suggested the new one and yet…out of Kobe’s mouth, spoken with such tenderness, it feels like coming home.
“Dani,” he says again before joining our lips. My cheeks burn and tears pool in the corners of my eyes as I close them, leaning into him, into his love, his scent, his touch. The word echoes in my mind, blending in with Kobe’s huffs as he edges us to the point of no return. Wrapping my feet with his and putting my hand over his, we completely unravel into an incoherent mess of bliss together.
The orgasm pulses through my entire being for a few more seconds. As I lay there collapsed on top of Kobe, who wraps his arms around me, I feel that buzz of comfort and pleasure tickle at places in my body and soul that I rarely do.
I open my eyes, mostly to make sure I’m not dreaming.
Kobe lifts his chest sharply, lying under me with closed eyes and a smile on his lips, petting my head softly. I wish I could let him fall asleep. Unfortunately, I don’t think we can stretch our luck that far. At least his pheromones seem weaker. If coming three times doesn’t settle his hormones a little, I don’t know what will.
“Do you…ever think about leaving this life?” he asks quietly, eyes still closed.
My subconscious, immediate response is a concerned frown. That is a dangerous question. One I never allow myself to consider.
Is Kobe also not happy with how volatile everything has been recently? Is he having second thoughts? “I…” I pause with my mouth hanging open.
For him, I try to venture into the reality I never let myself entertain.No, that isn’t true.The thought comes to me from time to time, but I always suppress it. Because thinking about such things never leads anywhere. After all, what value do I have without what I do now? Without what Jasper gives me? If I left, what would there be for someone like me in this world? No education, no skills, no power.
My beauty is all I have. And one day, it will fade. My body will fail me, rendering me useless. What then? What would I do? What use would I be to anyone?
The sense of dread and misery sneaks up on me. It grips my throat, making it difficult to breathe.
A life without all this…
I try to pull my focus back to his question. Without the constant, exhausting game of pretense. Without the need to preen and show off. Without those cold, vile hands always grabbing at me, pulling at me, leaving their marks on every part of me. A life without the looks of disgust, superiority, judgment and greed…
It’s hard to imagine a life without everything I’ve known. If I remove all of it, there’s an endless void of nothingness. What would fit there, if anything?
Feeling his hand as he pushes a strand of my hair behind my ear, I blink and focus on Kobe. He’s studying me pensively, still waiting for an answer. His face shines in that dark abyss inside my mind like a beacon.
Maybe that existence wouldn’t be as scary and hopeless with him.
“I do,” I whisper, lowering my eyes and voice. But he isn’t mine. I shouldn’t be even thinking things like that in the first place. “Not like that matters, though…”
He notices my mood dropping and pulls his hand away.
“Let’s just…lay here for a moment?”
With a nod, I rest my head back against his chest and listen to the melodic beats of his heart, blocking out anything else. For a little while longer, we can act like this is the only truth that exists.
Chapter 21
Kobe
