Page 232 of Promising You
He hesitates, then asks, “Are you afraid to have kids someday because you think you’ll treat them like your mom treated you?”
It’s another question I didn’t expect and one I’ve never even asked myself. I feel Garret’s arm muscles tense up as he prepares for me to try to yank away from him again.
But I keep still and take a moment to think about his question. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that he’s right. I’m scared to death I would abuse my child the way my mom abused me. Not that I would hit a child, but that I might say the same awful things my mom said to me. The words that used to haunt me until Garret came along and stopped them.
I don’t look at him when I answer. “Yes.”
And that’s all we say about it.
But he’s given me something to think about. How did Garret know this about me when I didn’t even realize it myself? Because he gets me. That’s why. He gets everything about me and I’ll never meet anyone ever again who understands me like he does. He knows who I was last year and who I am now, and he was at my side for that journey and is the reason I went on it in the first place. That’s how I know that this thing we have between us can never be replicated with someone else. This is it. And soon it’s going to end.
* * *
On Thursday Garretfinds out that the organization’s meeting next Monday is definitely about his future. He’s not allowed to attend the meeting, but his dad will be there. Garret’s going home on Friday at noon and once he’s there he isn’t allowed to leave the house until after the decision has been made. It’s a mandate from the organization.
At the meeting they’ll take a vote and Garret’s fate will be decided. If the plan is approved by a majority of the members, his every action from that point forward will be decided for him.
Friday morning Garret and I get up early like we’ve been doing so we can sneak back in the dorm.
“I guess this is it.” I fold up one of the blankets and start on another. I sound cheery for some reason. I guess I’m trying to deny this is really happening. “You need help packing up all this stuff?”
“No. I’ll do it later.” Garret doesn’t sound cheery at all and his serious tone knocks me back to the cold hard reality I don’t want to exist. He takes the blanket from me and throws it on the ground. “Jade, don’t act like this is over.”
“I’m not. I just wanted to help clean up.” The cheerful tone returns as I fight against that damn reality.
I go to roll up the sleeping bags but he grabs me around my waist and draws me into him. “This will all work out, Jade. I promise.”
“That’s just mean!” I shove on his chest but he won’t let me go. “You know that’s not true! Why would you even say something like that?”
“Because it’s what I believe, so I’m saying it.”
He’s holding me so tight that it’s no use fighting him but I still try. I don’t know why. It’s not like I want him to let me go. But that fucking reality is now staring me in the face, ripping at my heart, and being this close to him, being in his arms . . . it’s killing me. I can’t do it a second longer.
“Let me go.”
“Don’t be this way. This isn’t the end.”
My gaze remains on the ground. I can’t look at him. “Yeah, whatever. I’ll make sure to vote for you in 20 years.”
“Hey.” He pulls back a little and nudges my chin up. “Stop it. You’re trying to shut your feelings off just like the old Jade would. You’re trying to push me away and I won’t let you do it. This is the last—”
“Last time we’ll see each other? Yeah, exactly. So much for the promise you just made.”
All of a sudden, a rush of emotion shocks my system, flooding every cell and I can’t stop it. I don’t where it came from and why it’s happening now when I’m trying so hard to be strong. Tears well up in my eyes and my throat burns as I struggle to keep the tears from falling.
“I was going to say it’s the last time I’ll see you until I get to California.” Garret smiles at me and for a second I believe that he reallywillsee me in California, but then I come to my senses.
“You’re not going to California. They’ll probably make you spend another summer in DC learning how to be a politician. Going to fundraisers and—”
“Jade, stop.” He hugs me even closer, pressing my cheek against his chest and kissing the top of my head. “We’ll see each other again.” Even though his voice is strong, I feel him trembling a little as he holds me. “You’re not getting rid of me.”
“Maybe I’m ready to get rid of you.” I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of him one last time. “Being with you is exhausting.” It comes out sounding funny for some strange reason. I don’t even know why I said it. It sounds like something stupid I would’ve said before all this happened.
He gently pushes me back to face him. “What are you talking about? Being with me is awesome and you know it.” He gives me the cocky smile that only he could get away with and it somehow lightens the mood. And for just a moment I let myself go back to the way things used to be between us, before we started counting the minutes to the end, because I miss those times so bad and I’d do anything to get them back.
Garret keeps talking. “I make you laugh. I buy you the world’s best chocolate. I have sex with you whenever you ask. I keep my body in shape for your visual pleasure. I—”
“Are you done complimenting yourself? Because I could give you a whole list of things that need work.” I really can’t think of anything he needs to work on. I love him exactly the way he is, but I try to find something to prove my point. “Like you could really use a haircut. The bad-boy Garret look isn’t working for you.”
