Page 36 of This Time Around
Cooper pulled up right next to me, a smile on his face so wide I thought his face might split in two.“Know you’re pissed and out here running, but holy shit that was fun.”
Despite my churning emotions, I still smiled.“Sometimes it’s necessary.”
I climbed off the ATV and went to a large flat rock, sat down and pulled my knees to my chest.
“Your brother’s an asshole,” Cooper said, taking a seat close to me.There was plenty of room next to me.We wouldn’t even touch.“What he said was unnecessary.”
“What he said was the truth.”
My gaze stayed on the water, trickling slowly over rocks and through the weeds, creating patterns that could mesmerize me for hours.A breeze rustled hay on the other side, something we needed to get baling in the next week or two.
I’d seen the cattle huddling together on our way out.A storm was coming and it wouldn’t be pretty based on the way they were taking shelter amongst themselves.It was hot, not overly so, but the thickness in the air from humidity still weighed on my skin.
Yeah.Today was going to suck.
Today already sucked.
I dropped my knees and crossed my legs, leaning forward so I could pick the weeds in front of the rocks.
“I had fun last night, you know?”I didn’t look at Cooper to see if he was watching me, but I felt him looking at me.“Some days I wake up, and I promise myself I’ll do better.I can handle everything.I look at my pictures of Joseph, and all I want to do is make him so damn proud of me.Then I miss him so much.And then I’m so damn angry at him.”I inhaled deep, forcing down my tears.I’d cried enough.“Yesterday though, last night, that was fun.”
“It was fun.”His tone had deepened, a bit rougher.I focused on the grass, on my fingers sliding through the weeds, pulling them apart, the silkiness of the thick grass.
He sounded like he did right before I went to kiss him.
God, if only that thought would evaporate.Instead of moving on, I kept gathering problems.
“Having fun doesn’t mean you’re forgetting him either, though, you know?You’re allowed to laugh and let life in a little bit even if it’s different than what you wanted.”
“I know that.”My tone was snappier than I intended.I didn’t apologize.
He surprised me by not calling me out on it.“I loved Camilla.Swear to God, Rebecca.I fell for her the day I met her and if I could have had only her every day for the rest of my life, I’d have taken it and walked away from everything else.It’s different, I know that, but in the last several months, especially the last few weeks since she started fighting the divorce settlement, my eyes have been opened to seeing a whole bunch of shit I missed and that stings.I’m not going to sit here and lie and say the crap she’s pulling now is even worse.I still miss her though.Miss the way she used to hug me or laugh with me.I miss being with her.Or someone.Sometimes it gets cloudy and I don’t know if it’s her I’m missing, or if it’s having someone next to me I liked so damn much.”
I knew exactly what I was missing.
I also understood him more than he, or anyone else, knew.
“I’m not saying perspective will change with you, though.I’m not saying it should.I’m just letting you know, in a way, I get how hard it is to pick yourself up, move on, and keep moving even when it sucks.I think you’re doing an incredible job, I also think you haven’t had the time or the space todeal.You get up every day, surrounded by your life with him, surrounded by your dreams, and you sleep in the bed you shared with him.That’s got to make everything a thousand times harder.”
“Are you saying I should leave?”I turned, unable to hide the sharp tone.What the hell?
“No.”He was facing the water, the hay, my land.“I’m not saying that.But I will be honest and say I don’t think you hiding out here, never taking a moment foryouis helping either.You had fun last night and today you’re making it seem like a crime, like you have something to be ashamed of.There’s no harm in healing or in learning to live with the memory of him and still make it a good life, even if it’s not your dream life.”
My anger bubbled, fizzled and popped in my veins.I ripped the weeds in my hands and jumped to my feet.
A raindrop fell on my nose and I wiped it away.“We should get back to the house.Storm’s coming.”
His boots scraped on the rock as he stood, but I was already headed back to the ATVs.
“I wasn’t trying to upset you, Rebecca.”
“I know.”He wasn’t.What he was reminding me of was moving in to kiss him.The heat that hit my hand when I wrapped it around his arm, an arm much larger than my hand could ever fully grip.And I didn’t like remembering it.
“Then why are you stomping away from me?”
I spun around, thinking he’d be farther away, but he wasn’t.He was right there.Like last night.When he smelled so good and smiled that sexy smile.When he laughed freely and mademelaugh.I glared at his chest as if it was its fault I couldn’t stop thinking about him.“Rain’s coming.It could turn into a storm and we don’t want to be caught in it.”
“Rainstorms shouldn’t make you blush, Rebecca.Last night—”
