Page 93 of His to Cherish
My heart ached knowing that so many of these kids would go through such difficult times, and I longed to reach them in some way, in any way I could while I had contact with them. But my impression of them was fleeting because with my job, I didn’t have the chance to know any of them incredibly well—not as well as their teachers, anyway.
“It’s hard to believe,” Aidan said, now looking down at the field, “that I was just a few years older than these boys when I became a dad.”
That tightening in my chest whenever Aidan talked about Derrick constricted my breathing.
I bit my lip to stay silent.
“It was hard, you know, being so young and having a kid. Mandy and I were doing bottle feedings and changing diapers in the middle of the night while our friends were drinking beer for the first time.” He sighed, and his head fell forward. He shook it slowly as if clearing his mind. “I wouldn’t trade it, though, not any of it, even if this is how it ended.”
The strain in his voice was thick, and my hands balled into fists, wanting to reach out to him and comfort him like I always did.
“Mandy’s parents kicked her out when they found out she was pregnant. She moved in with my dad and me, but I think it was hard for her to be so young, only sixteen years old, and not have her own mom around to help her. It doesn’t excuse the fact she left us, but looking back, getting pregnant caused Mandy to lose everything.” He stopped and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t think she was ever able to understand all that she gained as well.”
I flexed my fingers trying to lose the tension building in my veins as my pulse thudded in my ears.
“Why are you telling me this?”
He scrubbed his fingers through his hair again and looked up at the sky, exhaling a deep breath. “Because for the first few years after she left, when I was trying to take care of Derrick, go to college, and help my dad with his company, she came back more frequently. And every time she did, if there was any girl around—which didn’t happen often considering I didn’t have time—she made my life, Derrick’s life, and the girl’s life hell until the girl eventually left. The first time, she left the girl threatening notes on her car after Mandy had seen her leave my apartment. The second time, she ruined a date by showing up in the middle of it, crying and claiming I never let her see Derrick. The third time—”
I flicked my hand up, stopping him. “I get it,” I whispered.
He shifted on the bench until he was straddling the metal and his thighs were on either side of my back and my knees. He reached out and took my hand, holding it between both of his.
“Mandy has never grown up, Chelsea. She still thinks she has some claim on me because of Derrick, even though she’s been dating ever since we broke up. I think she struggles with the guilt of leaving when he was so young, but is still trying to find something to replace the family she lost. I don’t know.” He shook his head again, exasperated. “I don’t even care anymore except that I know if I hadn’t said anything that night, she would have made things difficult for you.”
“Me?” I choked. Images of keyed cars, egged houses, blood spilled on my front step flashed through my mind. Was she crazy?
“If Mandy would have had any idea you meant something to me, she would have stuck around longer and not left until she’d managed to push you away.”
My back straightened. “So the smarter thing was to do it yourself.”
“No, damn it. That’s not what I meant to do and I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry I said that about you. It’s the furthest thing from the truth.”
His honesty didn’t quell the pain I still felt. The lingering echoes of hearing I was nobody had opened wounds I had thought were long since healed.
“It hurt,” I whispered, too afraid to speak louder for fear he’d hear all the fears I truly had. “When Cory left me, he called me worthless. Said I was only half a woman because I couldn’t give him kids. I know that’s not true, but I can’t be with someone who thinks talking about me like that is okay, regardless of the reason.”
I stood up and he let my hand fall from his.
“I need to go. I appreciate the apology, but I’m not sure it changes anything.”
I turned my back, shuffling down the bleachers until I got to the stairway. I wasn’t far from him when Aidan called my name. I hesitated, my eyes on the field, the distance, and my freedom from this painful conversation. Then I turned and faced him—one last time.
“I cleaned out Derrick’s room the other day.”
I frowned, not understanding. Aidan stood and I saw his hands shaking slightly as he moved toward me, silky and smooth like an elegant panther.
My pulse sped.
“You were right, you know,” he said, looking directly into my eyes. “I didn’t know it at the time, but a part of me was using you to keep from having to deal with Derrick’s death.”
I flinched when his hand gripped mine again, this time tight and firm, strong and warm. There was no hint he was prepared to let me go again.
“I kept telling you that you helped, and you did…youdo.But with the time I spent with you, I’ve been able to avoid having to think about Derrick and what my life will be like without him.”
My hand squeezed his. It was a reflex, but the longing to comfort him was back tenfold. As he stood in front of me, the sun shining on his face and in his eyes now that he’d removed his sunglasses, I could see his truth and his pain and the fact that he looked like complete and utter shit.
It’d been a long week for him, and I had a sense it wasn’t just because he regretted the painful words he’d slung in my direction last week.
