‘Exactly. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see you all but it was just so hard. Every time I came here, I could see Noah and Flynn on the sofa, at the table, in the garden and all I could think about was how much I’d let them both down, what a failure I was and how much I hated myself. Again, I can look back at it and see how irrational it all was, but it didn’t feel irrational at the time.’
I shared how lonely I’d felt in Newcastle but how every time I thought about returning to Willowdale, all the self-hate and anxieties resurfaced.
‘I’m not sure how I’d have coped if it hadn’t been for Georgia, Regan and Clarke being regular visitors. That was a lifeline for me. Even Graeme made a difference, although I’d never have got involved if I’d known he wanted more than I was capable of giving.’
They all knew the proposal story – or at least I assumed Georgia would have shared it with Mark – so there was no need to repeat that. I explained what had happened in the cellar with Flynn and finished off with my conversation with Jessie yesterday.
‘So there you have it,’ I said. ‘I know that’s a lot to take in and I’m sure you have questions.’
‘I can’t believe Trent was the one who got Noah into drugs,’ Georgia said. ‘Some friend he turned out to be. And I can’t believe Flynn knew about it. Did he say anything to you, Mark?’
Mark shook his head. ‘He probably thought I’d tell you and you’d tell Mel and it would tip her over the edge.’
‘You’re probably right there,’ I agreed. ‘I couldn’t have handled the truth back then. Gosh, listen to me! I sound like Jack Nicholson inA Few Good Men.’
‘You also sound a lot more positive,’ Dad said.
‘I feel it. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long to get here.’
‘Grief takes its own sweet time,’ Dad said. ‘Sounds like yours has been waiting patiently outside until you were ready to let it in and I think you needed to be back here in Willowdale to do that. I don’t think you could have done it in Newcastle.’
‘No, I don’t think I could.’
‘Are you going to talk to Flynn about all this?’ Mark asked.
‘Yeah. I owe him that much.’
‘I reckon he’ll appreciate it. He doesn’t say much, but I know he beats himself up for handling it badly.’
‘There wasn’t a good way he could have handled it. I was in such a mess that I think I’d have lashed out at him whatever he’d done because I couldn’t lash out at the person I really wanted to – Noah – for making stupid choices and leaving us when he should have had his whole future ahead of him.’
Spending the afternoon getting it all out in the open was really therapeutic. I just wished Mum had still been around to hear me coming to terms with it all. When Georgia and Mark left, Dad asked me to stay a little longer. I hoped he hadn’t taken my comment about the family visits to Newcastle being a lifeline as a dig because I hadn’t meant it that way. But he had something else on his mind.
‘What I’m going to tell you needs to stay between you and me because I don’t want to go upsetting your sister,’ he said when we settled back in the lounge.
‘Okay. Go on.’
‘When we were at the stone circle, I told you that it took me eighteen months to ask your mum out. I’d planned to ask her so many times but, every time we were together, something or someone got in the way. When we did finally start courting, we laughed about the false starts. June joked that we were like magnets – the attraction was there but we never quite got close enough for it to work and, once we finally connected, nothing was going to keep us apart. But it did. When you and Georgia were little, we split up.’
‘You did? For how long?’
‘Nearly six months.’
‘Oh, my God! Why?’
‘It all became too much. Parenting is hard and, even though it was obvious to me that June was an incredible mother, she didn’t feel that way. Georgia had been an easy baby who got settled into a routine quickly – exactly what June had hoped for – but it was a different story with you. Nothing she’d done with Georgia worked with you and that messed with her head. Instead of seeing you as two different personalities who needed different things and adjusting her approach for you both, she kept trying the same thing over and over and blaming herself for doing it wrong. I tried to help her but everything I said or did inflamed her further – a bit like what you were saying about Flynn earlier and how he couldn’t have got the approach right. I won’t go into all the details – doesn’t feel right when your mum’s not here – but it got fraught and she asked me to leave. I didn’t want to but I could see that she needed the space so I moved back in with my parents. It wasn’t ideal but I wasn’t worried. I knew we’d find our way back to each other because we were magnets.’
‘Obviously you did, but how?’
‘Time, patience and compromise.’
‘Trust me to be the difficult baby,’ I said, rolling my eyes.
Dad laughed. ‘It was that feisty streak in you, showing itself from the very start. And if you’re wondering why I’m telling you this, it’s because your mum always believed that you and Flynn are magnets too and I’m inclined to agree. You needed more time than us and you’ll need a lot more patience and compromise, but I really think you’re meant to be. He still loves you, you know. I can tell. Just as I can tell you still love him.’
‘Maybe, but it’s not that simple.’
‘It could be if you let it be.’
