I nodded. ‘For that and for so much more. I don’t want to make this about me, but take it from someone who’s been there that if you have medical professionals telling you there’s nothing you could have done, then there really is nothing you could have done. Don’t torment yourself thinking otherwise.’
The three of us stayed up talking for the next hour or so before Dad announced that he was flagging. He wasn’t convinced he’d manage to sleep but he felt like he should try as the week ahead was going to be difficult with people to notify and arrangements to be made. Georgia and I said we’d help with as much as we could so he needn’t worry about having everything to tackle on his own.
Georgia released a long sigh after we heard Dad’s bedroom door close. ‘That was horrific. I can’t believe she’s gone. Poor Dad. I don’t…’
But her emotions prevented her from finishing the sentence. I rushed over to her and held her and stroked her hair as she cried. I wished I could cry too. I wanted to but the tears wouldn’t come. Maybe it was the shock and it would catch up with me later when I was on my own.
It took a while for Georgia’s tears to subside but, when they did, I fetched her a glass of water and a cold, damp flannel to place over her sore eyes.
‘I’ve been thinking about what Mum said when they left the party,’ she said, removing the flannel from her eyes after a few minutes. ‘She’s never told me she loves me before. Do you think it’s possible she somehow knew?’
‘I was thinking the same thing myself. They never told me the outcome of any of her tests either – kept saying there was nothing conclusive – but I’m wondering if they were stalling for time. Did they tell you anything?’
‘No – just kept saying Mum needed more tests. Makes me wonder if they’d discovered it was her heart that was the problem.’
‘It’s possible,’ I said, nodding. ‘When we were outside, Dad said he wasn’t sure if he could stay here without Mum but that she wanted him to. They could have been having end-of-life conversations on the back of whatever they’d found out.’
‘But why not tell us? They told us about the breast cancer scare.’
‘Not at the time. I only found out because I turned up on appointment day. It’s possible they’d never have said anything but I put them under pressure so it came out.’
Georgia sighed. ‘You could be right, although why tell you about the funny turn at the hospital if they wanted to keep us in the dark?’
‘Maybe they weren’t expecting it to be anything serious. It’s probably not helpful speculating. I’m sure it’ll come out across the week.’ I ran my hands down my face, feeling drained. ‘I’m going to try for some sleep. There’ll be a lot to do tomorrow.’
‘Yeah, I should probably try too.’
We stood up and hugged each other once more before heading off to our former bedrooms. I sat on the edge of my bed, my head dipped. The last time I’d stayed in this room had been the night before I left for Newcastle. I never imagined that the next time I stayed would be the night my mum died. As a wave of deep sadness swept through me, I closed my eyes tightly, expecting the tears to fall, but they didn’t. My eyes burned but they remained dry. I had to still be in shock. Maybe tomorrow.
31
Georgia joined me in the kitchen at half six the following morning as I was boiling the kettle.
‘I’ve looked in on Dad,’ she said. ‘I woke up in this stupid panic that he’d have joined Mum, but he’s sound asleep. I’m thinking we’re best to leave him be.’
‘I agree. It probably took him ages to settle so he might as well sleep while he can. How are you feeling?’
‘I’m devastated, Mel.’ Her voice cracked and tears tracked down her cheeks. ‘I thought we’d have her for a lot longer. I remember when we were kids, someone living into their seventies was thought to have had a long life but, these days, eighty’s no age.’
I wrapped my arms round her and stroked her back as she sobbed. Once again, my throat was tight and my eyes were burning, but I still couldn’t seem to release any tears. What was wrong with me?
Dad joined us in the lounge shortly after eight, wearing his pyjamas and a dressing gown.
‘Did you manage to get any sleep?’ I asked.
‘Yes, but I’ve no idea how. It took me forever to drift off.’
‘Breakfast?’ Georgia asked.
‘I’m not hungry, but a cup of tea would be good.’
I wasn’t going to tell Dad he should eat something. I’d hated people trying to force food down my throat after Noah died, as though I was a small child being told to eat their vegetables. Dad would eat when he was ready. I made a round of drinks while Georgia nipped outside to phone Regan, hoping to catch him before he set off to work.
‘How did he take it?’ I asked as she entered the kitchen through the back door.
‘Shocked, upset, gutted he was away for the weekend and missed lunch with her but I reminded him he wouldn’t have seen her anyway because she was skipping lunch for the engagement party. I think that helped ease the guilt.’
‘Are you going to call Keira now?’
