‘I don’t want to leave her,’ Dad said, his voice shaky.
‘I understand. Would you like me to help you lift June back onto the bed?’
Dad nodded and the pair of them lifted Mum. There was a woollen blanket draped over the back of her dressing table chair so I placed that gently over her body. Dad sat down next to Mum and held her hand. I turned away, blinking back tears. I wanted to be strong for Dad just now. The tears could come later.
An ambulance arrived while Ben was asking questions so he broke off to have a conversation with the crew outside before bringing them through to the bedroom. Dad asked us if we could wait in the lounge while he answered some questions about Mum’s medical history.
Mum’s death, like Noah’s, was classed as unexpected but, because of her age and whatever Dad had shared about her medical history, we were advised that there was no need for the police to attend and we were free to contact a funeral director. Trenham & Sons Funeral Directors had handled everything with dignity and respect when Noah passed so there was no question mark over using them again. Mark made the call and reported that they’d be with us within three-quarters of an hour. The ambulance crew and Ben waited until they arrived.
It was past midnight when Frankie Trenham and two of his sons left to take Mum to their chapel of rest. With Dad’s permission, Georgia and Mark went back inside to put fresh linen on the bed and I stood on the doorstep with him watching one of Frankie’s sons pull off the drive and out of sight.
‘I can’t believe that’s June in there.’ Dad’s voice cracked mid-sentence, the later words coming out as a whisper.
I couldn’t believe it either and I couldn’t get any words out over the lump in my throat so I slipped my hand into his and we stood together staring into the darkness. How had the evening ended like this? Mum hadn’t been feeling her best at the party but she’d still been laughing and joking. How could she have gone from that to being on her way to the chapel of rest?
‘That must have been hard for you,’ Dad said after a while.
‘It was hard for all of us.’
‘I mean after Noah.’
‘Lots of difficult memories,’ I admitted. ‘Not something I ever wanted to go through again, but I’m glad I was there and you didn’t have to face it alone. I’m so sorry, Dad.’
He sighed heavily. ‘It feels like a bad dream. One minute, I have this sense that I’m hovering overhead watching it happening to someone else and the next minute it hits me that it’s happening to me.’
It was cold on the doorstep but I sensed Dad needed to stay a little longer.
‘She loved this view,’ he said, eventually. ‘Not that we can see far right now. I remember us coming to view the house. It was a beautiful spring day and June was heavily pregnant with you. We stood right here, facing out to the lake before we knocked and she said,I don’t care how dated it is inside or how much work needs doing, this is the place and we’re going to be so happy here.’
‘And you were,’ I said, squeezing his hand.
‘We certainly were. I’m not sure how I feel about staying here long-term without her. She wanted me to, but I don’t know if I can.’
‘There’s no rush to make any decisions like that, Dad. When the time’s right for you, Georgia and I will be here to support you, whatever you decide.’
We went back inside and closed the door as Georgia and Mark appeared from the bedroom. Georgia’s eyes and nose were red – something which always happened to her when she cried – so she’d clearly had another moment while she was away from Dad. I knew she’d jump into practical mode around him as the changing of the bedding had already shown.
‘Mark needs to get home as he’s got an early start at work tomorrow but I’d like to stay if that’s okay with you, Dad.’
‘Me too,’ I said.
I thought he’d object, saying there was nothing we could do and we should go home and get some sleep, but he nodded slowly. ‘The company would be appreciated.’
Before Mark left, we debated whether to tell Keira and Regan but it felt too late to ring them. The news could wait until the morning, especially as Keira and Johnnie were already facing disrupted sleep from Arlo’s arrival and we didn’t want to exacerbate that.
‘I keep going over it all in my mind and I still think I should have checked on her earlier,’ Dad said after Mark had gone.
‘You can’t think like that, Dad,’ Georgia said. ‘You heard what the paramedics said.’
Dad had berated himself earlier and the medical team had been full of reassurances that he mustn’t beat himself up because it could just as easily have happened in the middle of the night when he was right beside her but asleep. They also said that, if it had been a cardiac arrest as suspected, she’d have been unconscious and not felt a thing. It was a small sliver of comfort in a dire situation.
‘If it helps, I had the same thoughts when Noah died,’ I said. ‘I heard him coming home from the party. I’d been awake for a while and I thought about wishing him a happy new year and asking if he’d had a good time, but it was all warm and cosy under the duvet so I stayed where I was. The next day, I toyed with going in and waking him up but he hated it when I did that, especially when he’d been out till the early hours, so I left it. The thing is, if I had checked on him, what would have happened? The odds of me going into his room at the exact moment when he was in trouble were miniscule and, even if I had, could I have saved him? Could Flynn? If you had checked on Mum, you’d have likely found her asleep and left her in peace, or it would have already been too late. Please don’t take on the blame for this because it can take you to some seriously dark places. Believe me, I know.’
‘When did you stop blaming yourself?’ Dad asked.
‘Honestly? Just now when I said that.’
Dad’s eyes widened. ‘Oh, Mel. You’ve really blamed yourself for all these years?’
