A boat pulled up against one of the wooden jetties and several passengers disembarked. Last off were a man and woman. He stepped off easily but the woman seemed a little more hesitant, handing him her backpack and tucking her red hair behind her ears before accepting his hand. My breath caught as I recognised the man as Flynn and I leaned forward, watching them intently. On the beach, they paused, hugged for ages, then she leaned in and kissed him before they sauntered off the beach, arms round each other. She had to be his wife. I watched them disappear from sight, sadness enveloping me at seeing Flynn with someone else. I knew I had no right to feel that way – if anyone deserved happiness, it was him – but I couldn’t help it.You win some, you lose some.And I’d lost big time when I’d walked away from Flynn.
I finished my coffee and sat for several more minutes drinking in the view across to Cat Bells, trying to shake my melancholy. I thought about how much I’d enjoyed my walk up the fell with Alice and the dogs this morning and how energised I’d felt at the top. I needed to hold onto that positive feeling and not allow myself to be brought down by seeing Flynn with his wife.
Returning to the car, I drove to Keira and Johnnie’s house and, if there’d been any residual upset from seeing Flynn, it vanished there. Keira was buzzing, completely infatuated with her new baby boy and it was so sweet to see how taken Astrid clearly was with her brother. I couldn’t feel down surrounded by so much happiness. Cuddling Arlo close, holding his tiny hand in mine was probably the best thing I could have done. He wasn’t Noah and there was no reason for me to feel any differently about him than I had about Astrid. This morning, Alice had said something very wise:We can easily be knocked off balance but as long as we keep looking ahead instead of focusing on the past, we can get there.I’d been knocked off balance from the moment I knew Keira was having a boy simply because I was focusing on the past. From now on, I had to keep looking ahead.
I returned to Willowdale Hall a little later, determined to follow Alice’s great example. Marching over to my desk, I removed the piece of paper containing Flynn’s contact details and took it down to the kitchen to the recycling bin. Flynn had clearly found a way to heal and move on and there was no way I was going to open that wound for him by meeting up with him and raking over the past. Talking to him was not going to help me move forward – only I could do that. If we did bump into each other, I’d be polite and respectful because he deserved that, but there was no need for us to pre-empt that moment by meeting up. No need at all.
29
Another three weeks passed, taking me up to two months back in Willowdale. I felt really settled. I was loving my job, where I lived, and my social life. I was even enjoying the weekly quiz at The Hardy Herdwick despite my lack of general knowledge. Emma and I had managed a couple of nights out, which had been great fun, and I’d been to the theatre with Regan and Clarke, but I had two highlights each week – Tuesday lunches with my parents where we talked and laughed and felt like a united loving family once more and the time I spent with Alice, especially when we went walking with the dogs. Although we’d been through very different experiences, we trod a similar path towards healing. I deeply valued her counsel and told her so, and she shared with me how much she appreciated the different perspective I brought as a result of not knowing her when she was ill.
My living situation had been confirmed for the short-term future. Last week, Rosie had caught me curled up on the sofa in the library with my laptop on my knee, looking online at properties to buy and rent in the area and tutting at the lack of options.
‘There really isn’t any rush to move out,’ she said. ‘We both love having you here.’
‘I love being here, but I can’t stay forever. Although, if we shift the desk to the left a bit, what do you think about me moving my bed into that corner?’
‘Maybe your drawing board in the opposite corner?’ Rosie replied, laughing. ‘Seriously, though, you’re welcome to stay until we hit a point in the conversion where it’s impractical. If I’m honest, I prefer knowing there’s someone else in the hall on the nights Oliver isn’t here. It’s a big place to be rattling around in on my own.’
Rosie used to stay at Horseshoe Cottage during the nights Oliver worked away but when Xander moved in she’d decided it was time for her to fully leave home. I’d helped her move the rest of her belongings across and had hugged her when she became tearful. I remembered feeling that way when I moved out of Derwent Rise and into Flynn’s flat shortly after we got engaged. Even though I was excited about the new chapter in my life, I was sad to leave my childhood home where I’d been so happy.
‘Unless you’d prefer to separate work and non-work,’ Rosie added.
I gave her a reassuring smile. ‘Surprisingly, even though this is the first time I’ve lived and worked on the same site as a project, I’ve got a better work/life balance now than I’ve ever had before. So thank you for the offer. I’d love to stay longer.’
I was so grateful to Rosie and Oliver for their generosity. It’d be several months before work started on the hall conversion and, even then, I wouldn’t need to move out immediately. When the time came, hopefully the market would have shifted and I’d find something suitable but I could relax and enjoy living in my favourite building in the meantime, still pinching myself from time to time that my childhood dream had come true.
Our usual family Sunday lunch had been cancelled today because Regan and Clarke had friends staying and Georgia and Mark had been away to a wedding. I’d still see some of my family today as Mum, Dad, Georgia, Mark and I had all been invited to The White Willow this evening for drinks and a buffet in celebration of Autumn and Dane’s engagement.
After rifling through my wardrobe this morning for something suitable to wear and tutting at all the dark colours, I’d made the forty-minute drive to Carlisle. I hadn’t been shopping there in maybe a decade so it was a trip down memory lane seeing which shops had opened and closed. I’d only intended on getting something for the party but returned to Willowdale Hall laden with bags of clothes and not a single black item among them. I’d even splashed out on a new coat – a vibrant green one – which made me feel so alive.
Rosie and Oliver had headed to The White Willow early to help set up so I walked there with Alice and Xander. I’d asked Dad if he’d like me to call at Derwent Rise on the way to help Mum with the walk but he’d said there was no need as she’d decided to ride her mobility scooter round.
I’d been in The White Willow maybe ten minutes when I spotted my parents arriving, Mum with one arm linked through Dad’s and a sparkly purple walking stick in the other hand. As Dad settled her onto a chair, I crossed the room to greet them.
‘Are you all right?’ I asked Mum, concerned by how pale she looked.
‘Tired and a bit out of sorts today. We had Astrid for a few hours this afternoon and it’s taken it out of me. We’ll probably not stay long.’
‘How come you had Astrid?’
‘Arlo had an unexplained rash and they needed to do an emergency dash to the hospital, but he’s fine. It’s gone now.’
I wished Keira had called on me to look after Astrid instead of Mum and Dad but they were probably panicking and didn’t think. If it had been this afternoon, I’d have been back from Carlisle and could easily have helped. Next time I saw Keira, I’d make sure she knew I could always be called upon in an emergency.
Dad went to get some drinks so I sat down next to Mum.
‘You look lovely this evening, Mel,’ Mum said. ‘That colour’s stunning on you.’
I’d surprised myself with the bold choice of burnt orange but the satin wraparound blouse had called to me. I’d accompanied it with my best dark jeans and a pair of orange ankle boots with chunky heels.
‘Thank you. It’s not a colour I usually wear.’
‘You don’t usually wear colour full stop,’ Mum said, ‘but you used to. Before. I’m so happy to have seen you wearing more colours recently. You deserve to have colour back in your life.’
She took my hand and squeezed it as she held my gaze. I smiled back at her, tears pricking my eyes, knowing we weren’t talking about my clothes anymore.
‘It’s taken a long time, but colour is definitely coming back,’ I said. ‘Thank you for helping it.’
