I scrambled out of bed and opened my desk drawer, removing the piece of paper Flynn had given me a little over three weeks ago. Should I arrange to meet him? What would I say if I did? Sorry seemed so inadequate. I shoved the paper back in the drawer, shaking my head. I was only thinking about it because I was feeling emotional right now and I might regret it later. There were far too many things I regretted which I’d done in the throes of heightened emotion. Best wait a bit longer.
28
By Thursday morning, the storm had well and truly blown over and spring had made a welcome reappearance. After a listless day on Monday, I’d absorbed myself in my work and hadn’t actually left the hall. I should have had lunch with my parents on Tuesday but Mum had a doctor’s appointment so they’d asked if we could take a raincheck. I hadn’t helped Emma out and I’d even skipped Wednesday lunch at Horseshoe Cottage. But this morning, with the sun smiling through my window, I felt ready to escape the confines of my rooms and stretch my legs so I rang Alice to check it was okay to join her for a walk with Toffee and Chester.
‘You’re always welcome to join us,’ she said, ‘but, as we haven’t been far over the last couple of days, I was planning to do Cat Bells.’
Cat Bells was the nearest fell to the estate and one of the most popular ones in the area. The three-and-a-half-mile return trip from base to summit could be completed within three hours, although experienced walkers could do it a lot quicker. Much as I loved the walk, I wasn’t sure I could spare the time, but I glanced over to my desk and reprimanded myself. It was still early and, despite my lack of productivity on Monday, I’d more than made up for it over the last two days. I could afford the time and it would probably do me the world of good.
I arranged to meet Alice by the gates fifteen minutes later. Toffee and Chester were bouncing around excitedly, as if they knew that they were having a special walk today.
We left the estate grounds and wandered along the footpath in the direction of Cat Bells, avoiding the many puddles while the dogs ploughed straight through them. The change in weather had brought lots of other walkers out, many of whom had dogs, so we had a lot of stopping and starting as the dogs sniffed around each other.
‘Such a beautiful morning,’ I said, tilting my head back so the sun could kiss my cheeks.
‘Gorgeous,’ Alice agreed. ‘It’s great to be out. It’s great to be able to be out. This time last year, I’d never have believed I could do this walk again.’
‘What happened if you tried to leave the estate?’
‘Panic attacks. I’d get all shaky, feeling sick and dizzy. Occasionally, I’d get so frustrated that I’d force myself to go out the gates and set off down this path. I’d spend what felt like forever at the entrance psyching myself up but the same thing happened every time I stepped beyond the gates – I’d barely make it any distance before I had to turn round and run back. The effort would take its toll and I’d end up barely able to leave my bedroom for the next few days. That’s no way to live, so I stopped trying.’
‘I’m so sorry you went through that. It must feel amazing to be able to explore now.’
‘Gosh, it is. It’s like someone pressed a pause button on my life and now they’ve pressed play again. I’m not completely recovered. The thought of going on holiday, even in this country, is still way down the line but every week I make a little more progress. Of course, there’ve been a few steps backwards here and there but that’s part of the recovery journey and part of being human. We can easily be knocked off balance, but as long as we keep looking ahead instead of focusing on the past, we can get there.’
We’d reached the base of Cat Bells and set off up the incline in single file. I mulled over Alice’s words as we ascended. What she’d said about a pause button really resonated with me. I’d definitely done that with my life and moving here had been about pressing play again, but I didn’t feel like I was fully playing yet. I wasn’t sure what needed to happen to feel like I was.
There were quite a few walkers on Cat Bells, some already making their descent, but it was nothing like the stream of people on a nice day during the school holidays. Most of the walkers we passed today were properly kitted out with sturdy walking boots or shoes and waterproofs but I’d seen it all over the years – shorts and T-shirts on a cold and rainy day, flimsy canvas shoes and even flip flops.
When we reached the summit, I reached out to place my hand on the trig point and laughed as Alice did exactly the same.
‘Doesn’t feel like you’ve made it to the top unless you touch it, does it?’ she said.
Chester and Toffee walked round the trig point sniffing the base before flopping down on their bellies on one of the grassy areas.
I loved the views from the top of Cat Bells. At an elevation of 451 metres, it was one of the smaller Lakeland fells but the vista wasn’t any the less spectacular for it. While Alice gave some water to the dogs, I stood with my hands on my hips, breathing in the fresh air and the beautiful surroundings.
Tomorrow, it would be exactly six weeks since I moved back to Willowdale and I was feeling so much more at peace for being surrounded by nature instead of tall buildings and traffic noise. This had been the right move and one I should probably have made a long time ago, but I wasn’t going to dwell on regrets. From now on, I was going to do what Alice had done and take control of my life. I wouldn’t get derailed by the little things and, instead, would focus on the big picture of continuing to find peace and healing. That shouldn’t be difficult when I was in a place I loved with people I loved doing a job I loved.
* * *
When I returned to Willowdale Hall and checked my messages, I found one from Keira to say that both sets of grandparents and great-grandparents had now met Arlo so she was ready to welcome all other visitors. I reminded myself of my resolve at the top of Cat Bells to focus on the big picture and not to be derailed by the little things and Arlo’s arrival had been one of those little things that I’d already built up into something big when it hadn’t needed to be. The best thing I could do to take control of my life right now was to see my new great-nephew today. I couldn’t show up without a gift so I changed out of my walking boots and into a pair of trainers and headed straight into Keswick.
I’d bought Astrid a Jemima Puddle-Duck soft toy and Beatrix Potter’s accompanying story when she was born so it made sense to keep that tradition going withThe Tale of Peter Rabbitand a soft toy for Arlo. I also bought him a cute Peter Rabbit outfit, pushing aside thoughts of having dressed Noah as a baby in something similar. I placed the bags in my boot, planning to head straight to Keira and Johnnie’s house, but an elderly couple at the car beside mine caught my attention.
‘You admit I was right to suggest going down to the lake rather than straight home?’ the man asked.
‘If I admit it, will you promise not to do the smug grin?’ the woman responded, her tone teasing.
‘I promise.’
‘Okay, I’ll admit it. It looked especially beautiful with the sun on it.’
I’d been to the lake’s edge several times in and around the estate but I hadn’t come round to the east side since I returned to Willowdale and their conversation had just sold it to me. Locking the car, I set off on the short walk through Hope Park – a traditional park with flowerbeds and benches – then past Crow Park, which was a wide open space.
I didn’t have the time or inclination to go for a long walk but a coffee overlooking Derwent Water, watching the activity on the beach, would be perfect. I nipped into Derwent View Café and bought a takeaway cappuccino and walked along Lake Road above the beach. It was always a lot busier here than on the Willowdale side of the lake because of its proximity to amenities – the town centre, the parks and the theatre. There was a large car park and the beach was the launch point for the lake cruises, a good place for launching kayaks and paddleboards, as well as being the starting point for the short walk to popular beauty spot, Friar’s Crag. In the summer, it could be a challenge to find a free bench but I managed to secure one easily today and sat back, sipping my drink and watching the world go by.
Across the lake, I could see the estate, although the hall itself was hidden by the trees. Living there was such a dream and it would be strange moving out. Willowdale Hall was only ever meant to be temporary and I’d already stayed longer than anticipated.
