I wander down to my kitchen and brew a much needed cup of coffee. I forgo the sugar and creamer because I’m in it for the pick-me-up today, not the taste. I take a seat at the dining room table and put my head in my hands. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore.
There’s a pounding at my door and my heart sinks. Panic rushes through me and for a moment I’m not even sure I can move to go see who it is. In my heart of hearts I know it’s going to be Tyler and I’m so fucking scared of opening that door. A second round of knocks pound at the door. Shit. I force myself out of the chair and with trembling limbs, I walk to the door and peek through the window.
A sense of relief mixed with a more digestible type of anxiety washes over me when I realize it isn’t Tyler. It’s Ares. Not only is it Ares, but he looks like shit. I take a deep breath in through my nose and blow it out slowly through my mouth before opening my door.
“What’s wrong?” I ask as I swing the door open. His eyes are bloodshot and pink streaks fall down his cheeks.He’s been crying?He looks like he hasn’t slept a single minute. There’s a beat of awkward silence where he searches for the words he wants.
“Can I come in?” His voice is rough. In all of our years of friendship I’ve never seen him look or sound so raw, like an exposed nerve. Fear settles deep in my chest, fear that something horrible has happened.
“Of course.” I step out of the way as he walks past me. He takes a seat at the dining room table. I follow him and take the chair next to him. I search his face for any clues but all I find is a pained look on a sleepless face.
“What’s going on Ares, you’re scaring me,” I ask, a twinge of desperation in my voice.
“What’s going on with me?” he snaps, turning his head to me. His eyebrows shoot to his hairline. “What the hell is going on withyou?”
Duh.I don’t know how I didn’t realize that’s what this is about. He knew something was wrong when Roman was taking me home. He asked to take me home instead. Of course he has questions.
The pain is evident in his voice and suddenly it feels like the world is crashing down on me. I never meant to hurt him. I was trying to protect him. Sometimes it feels like the harder I try to protect the people around me, the more I hurt them.
“I wasn’t purposely keeping anything from you,” I say and it comes out too quiet,fartoo quiet. I can hear the shake in my own voice.
“That’s not what I asked,” he says and the words come out ice cold. All of a sudden it’s crystal clear that I made the wrong choice. Once again Roman was right. I should have told him. For a while there I didn’t feel ready and then once I did, it just felt like I was putting someone I love in danger for no reason. I don’t have a choice now though, not anymore.
“Tyler was hitting—” I stop myself. No, it’s time to call it what it was. “He was abusing me.” The word is so hard to get out I swear I nearly choke on it. It feels like a bad word. One that I shouldn’t be allowed to say unless a professional tells me I’m allowed to call it that.
I turn my head away, avoiding the look on his face when he hears the words. It doesn’t save me though from the crack in his voice when he speaks again. My heart splits in two.
“It was more than just the fair?” he chokes out.
“Yeah.” I can’t help the way my voice breaks and tears come spilling. His eyes flick to mine and any anger that was there is washed away. All that’s left is this tortured look that I think I’ll see for the rest of time in the back of my mind.
“How long?” he asks. I can tell by the way he screws his eyes shut and avoids eye contact with me, that he doesn’t really want to know. So I decide to spare him the details.
“It doesn’t matter, long enough. It’s over now,” I say, avoiding the question at hand.
“How. Long,” he grumbles.Okay I guess we’re really doing this.
“A year.” I say the words so lowly, I’m surprised he hears me. I know he does though by the way his eyes snap shut the second I say it.
This is the pain I never wanted to cause. I never wanted anyone to have to take this on. It was my burden to bear. No one else was supposed to have to feel the pain of my decision to be with him.
“Fuck.” He drops his head in his hands. If my heart wasn’t already broken it definitely shatters in my chest right then. I was trying to avoid this. “I’m so sorry, Audi,” he sobs out and the moment I realize he’s crying, I follow suit.
“No,I’msorry. I should have told you. I was just trying to protect you,” I cry. Confusion twists on his face.
“What?” he asks, squinting at me. “Protect me? That’s ridiculous. I should be protectingyou.”
“What, because I’m a woman? That’s just sexist.” I laugh and I’m mildly aware of how ridiculous I look laughing at my own joke while we both sit here crying.
“Because you’re my best friend,” he corrects, glaring at me. “You were the one who needed protecting. Not because you’re a woman, because things were dangerous for you and I had no idea. I should have been protecting you.” He runs his fingers roughly though his hair.
“Ares. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know.” I sigh.
“I should have known though, that’s the thing,” he says, shaking his head. “You’re my best friend. I should have noticed.” A broken sob comes from his throat. I’ve never seen him cry like this. Sure, after all the years of friendship I’ve seen Ares cry. A tear here and there maybe but never like this.
“I was keeping it from you,” I say grabbing his face to make him face me. “Ares, I need you to see this is not your fault. I hid it well. On purpose.” He just shakes his head.Fuck.
“I let you pull away from us.” He pulls his face from my hands. He stands up, pacing the length of the dining room.
