I don’t know what to say, it isn’t true but he isn’t in a place for listening to me. I don’t know what to do. This is what I was looking to avoid when I decided not to tell anyone else. I can’t help wondering though if some of this would have been avoided by telling him as soon as I left. I search and search for solutions but still, I fall short. I’m forced to try and make peace with the fact that what’s done is done.
So I do the only thing I can think to do and stand up, wrapping my arms around his abdomen, pressing my head to his chest. The pacing stops, the erratic breathing stops, and he just hugs me back. I can hear his heart hammering in his chest and I want to apologize a million times over but there’s no use, what’s done is done. I have to live with that. His hand strokes the back of my head in a familiar comforting motion.
“Who all knows?” he asks and his voice is calmer and more even.
“Just Roman,” I say quietly. I wonder if this piece of information makes the whole thing worse for him or not.
“That’s why you’ve been hanging out with him so much,” he states like it all clicks in his head.
“Yeah. He’s really been a great friend, Ares. He even researched therapists for me.” I tilt my head, looking up at him in an attempt to gauge his reaction to the new information. There is a hint of surprise to his expression but the anger I’m half expecting never comes.
“He begged me to tell you. I just kept saying no.” Selling myself out seems like a fair trade off to ensure this doesn’t cause issues with those two.
“Do you have feelings for him?” he asks. It should be a simple question. It should be a simple yes or no. More specifically it should be a simple yes. Still I find myself not sure how to answer. Is it really worth the risk of rocking the boat if I don’t understand my feelings yet? Is it worth rocking the boat if I don’t even know if Roman feels the same way?
I don’t know what will come of this thing between Roman and me, if anything. All I know is that I want the space to figure it out, without outside input.
“We’ve just been hanging out. Everything is so fresh I haven’t even had the chance to think about feelings for anyone else,” I lie. Even though lying is what got me where we are right now, I still lie. I know if something comes of it, I’ll have to come clean. Right now though? I don’t understand it enough to tell him anything.
“Are you okay? Like really?” Ares asks.
“Last night definitely shook me up,” I confess, finally pulling myself from the hug. “I’m gonna be okay though.”
“I would have never let you go with him if I knew.”
“I know that.” I nod.
I let myself spend a moment in the fantasy where he knew. A fantasy where when Tyler approached me last night and asked me to go talk to him, and I looked up at Ares to gauge his reaction, he didn’t let me go. Where instead of telling me it was my choice, he told Tyler to fuck off. The more I toy with the idea, the more it hurts. I can’t ignore the big flashing lights telling me that last night could have been avoided if I hadn’t kept the whole thing a secret.
“Is there anything else?” he asks. I consider saying no, not leaving him to worry any more than necessary.
“He’s been watching me. Well, he’s been watching my house at least. That’s part of why I kept it a secret even after I was out of it because I didn’t want to put anyone in danger.” I sigh. Now all of my cards are laid out on the table and it feels good. Except of course the Roman card.
“You shouldn’t be staying here alone,” he interjects.
“I’m not. Every time my mom has been on a trip I’ve stayed at your house but for the most part she’s been home. Except for last night, Roman stayed with me.” I wait for a reaction but all he does is nod. He seems unfazed by the new found closeness with Roman and I.
“Are you going with us to the lake house next weekend?” he asks and I don’t know if he can tell but I am relieved to be asked something off topic. Relief is replaced by something less pleasant. There’s a trip to the lake planned and for the first time since middle school, I wasn’t invited.
“I didn’t know about it.” I shrug.
“I thought maybe Ro would have asked you,” he admits.
“Nope.” I sigh dramatically. “No invite.” I throw my hands in the air. “Even though, you know, some might even say I’m your bestest and most dear friend ever in the history of forever.” I laugh, quoting his dramatic speech in the car.
He hums in response. “Very funny.” He laughs, rolling his eyes.
“I think it would be good for you. Get out of here for a little while.” I think he’s right. Actually, I know he’s right. It would feel so good to leave Doves Harbor and not have to worry about Tyler. All my favorite people in a lake-house for a weekend, away from where everything bad happened. Yeah, I’m in.
“I’ll see if I can get off work.” I nod.
There’s a knock at the door and I flick my eyes to Ares to see if he’s as concerned about it as I feel but a guilty little smile creeps up on his face.
“Soooo… I might have told Ravyn to meet me here this morning,” he says and then flashes me a classic ‘don’t be mad’ smile. Of course I’m not mad. In a weird way it feels good to know they were coming here to check on me.
I go to the door to let Ravyn in and she throws her arms around me. I could almost get deja-vu the way I repeat my entire morning. It’s like Ares all over again, she’s a crying mess and we are both full of apologies. Me, for hiding it. Her, for not noticing. It’s the same mix of painful and relieving. We spend the whole rest of the day in a mix of laughing and crying. It’s not normal, but it’s the closest thing to it for right now. For the first time, I feel like I can live with close to normal.
* * *
