“But we could also live sixty more years! Do you want to keep running for sixty years?” Finn reached for Ollie’s cold hands, inwardly rejoicing when he allowed it and holding them as tightly as he dared. “Or do you want tolive?Iwant to live those years with you. I know that there are a lot of things we have to work through but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to commit, be your knight, and battle for you. Forus.” Taking a deep breath, Finn let all his hope loose, putting his beaten heart on the line. “Because you are everything to me, and I love you.”
21
OLLIE
Ollie’srightfoothadbeen a wonderful distraction. The shooting pain he’d experienced at Finn’s had soon become his rebound partner, throbbing with every beat of his heart and howling with every step he took, tempering his despair and never ceasing.
Until Finn uttered those three little words.
For a few seconds, Ollie’s mind and body went blissfully clear. His foot didn’t hurt, his stomach didn’t scream, his head didn’t pound or spin; it was like he’d been reborn. He’d stood on the edge of that confession weeks ago, and after disaster had struck, he’d convinced himself that it would be far too late to hear it now, that it wouldn’t have any effect.
Boy was he wrong.
“What?” He could barely come down to earth.
“I said,” Finn leaned closer and Ollie stared into his deep brown eyes. Did they always feel like home? “I love you.”
“I…” A large part of Ollie wanted to say it back and launch himself into the familiar comfort of Finn’s arms, but he was torn - too scared to trust again but also too scared to go on alone. The days after his intervention were still a blur. Since Finn and his family had been trying to get to him, he’d hidden in his room, buying a treadmill so he didn’t have to run outside and literally working himself to the bone; however, the effect wasn’t the same. Somehow, lightness no longer equaled safety and with each pound he lost he becamemoreterrified, sensing that even if he could float away, tragedy now had wings.
But he couldn’t stop. This strategic disorder had insidiously taken over his brain, making itself the only coping mechanism he had, causing him to drive his body into the ground. Shifting, Ollie thanked his past self for purchasing a cushion because every seat hurt now, but that was the least of his problems. He’d lost even more hair and could barely stand to look in the mirror, his limbs were covered in a fine layer of blond, and he’d passed out too many times to count, constantly fighting off dizziness as death loomed beside his dread, both on Ollie’s heels, and he could barely stay a step ahead.
“I’ve been having these dreams…” He didn’t know why he said that. Those were not the words that Finn was probably waiting for but they were the ones that jumped out, and they kept coming. “I’m alone, walking through a forest, but then there’s this wind and…” He stopped, wondering if he sounded crazy, but Finn stared into him with rapt attention, his entire focus on Ollie, bolstering him to continue. “My limbs start dissolving.”
“Whoa.” Finn sat back a bit.
“Yeah. But, last night? I felt my entire body turn to dust and twirl around in the wind. It wasn’t painful but it wasn’t fun either.” Ollie shivered and Finn rubbed his thumbs over the backs of Ollie’s hands, grounding him. “Once I woke up I was clawing at the walls so I decided to come up here. This place calms me down.” The first time they met, Finn had said that it made him feel less alone and, in a way, it had the same effect on Ollie. This view brought him peace because it reminded him of Finn, of everything they had.
And he’d be a fool to throw it all away.
But there were roadblocks. His eating disorder. Finn’s past relationship with Biz. Were they strong enough to get past it? Did Ollie even want to try? He’d been so broken up over the whole revelation that he never consideredsalvagingthe relationship. Would it be too weird?
Part of his family’s onslaught had included nonstop texting from Biz, as well as a few handwritten letters on red paper covered in her swirly script. He didn’t respond to anything, putting it all aside until curiosity had gotten the better of him and he’d ended up reading them all in an afternoon. They’d started with apologies, along with pleas for contact, but somewhere along the line, Ollie realized that Biz always defended Finn.
Strange, after Finn admitted that he’d dated several Clarks, Ollie had pictured them together as a joke and ended up laughing at the mismatch; but once again he’d been wrong…to a point. Because Biz had seen Finn for who he was. While she insisted that their relationship hadn’t been serious, she kept outlining Finn’s good qualities like she wanted to make a sale, like she was a twisted matchmaker pushing Ollie toward someone perfect for him.
Because Finnwasperfect for him. He’d proven his love by showing up time and time again, pushing, caring, helping, only wanting Ollie to be happy. Deep in his heart, Ollie knew that his repeated visits to the house, and even the wellness check, were all due to worry, and Finn worried because Ollie was important to him, important enough to persist for, important enough to drive up a mountain for…
“Wait,” Ollie frowned. “How did you know I was here?”
“A hunch.” Finn gave his hands a light squeeze. “I stopped by and didn’t see your car in the garage.”
Squinting, Ollie could tell that Finn was holding something back. “Whataren’tyou telling me?”
“I, um…” Finn’s cheeks turned a soft dusty pink and he let go of one of Ollie’s hands to sheepishly rub the back of his neck. “I might’ve broken into Mason’s place and asked him where you were.”
“You broke in?” Ollie’s voice cracked on the last word.
“The door was unlocked sotechnicallyit wasn’t breaking in,” Finn pointed out, as if that made things better, but then he turned serious, determination setting his jaw. “I couldn’t help it, I needed to get to you no matter what.”
If Ollie had any doubts left, they were squashed under Finn’s heartfelt declaration, the fire in his eyes promising Ollie all the things he ever wanted. “Why are you always so nice to me?” he wondered aloud.
“I’ll repeat myself.” Leaning in again, Finn rubbed their noses together. “Because I love you.”
“I love you too.” It slipped out too easily, evading all of Ollie’s issues and fears, and he was sure that he looked as surprised as Finn did. His eyes went so wide Ollie thought they were going to fall out of his head and delight washed across his features, making him glow. Turning his hand, he twined their fingers together.
“You love me?” His tone was all breathless excitement.
“Yeah…I guess I do. I love you, Finn Cooper.” Ollie smiled for the first time in a while, knowing that he looked like absolute garbage; he’d left the house in his worn peacock pajamas without a stitch of makeup on, but it didn’t matter. Or maybe it did. Ollie had always complained about men wanting him for his looks and while Finn was attracted to him, it went far beyond surface appearance. Finn could see Ollie’s soul and he loved that as well.
