Page 97 of Defend Me
“I don’t believe you.”
“He seems to think I’m too good for him or something. Apparently, I’m perfect.” Facing me again, he continued to walk backward. “It’s ridiculous, actually. He’s fucking…” A soft smile settled on his lips. “He’s beautiful in every possible way. I’m constantly thinking about whether I’m doing enough for him.”
“You know that literally everyone thinks you’re the perfect boyfriend, right? Goals and all that.”
“Like I said, nothing is easy. He’s put me on a pedestal and it seems like other people do, but I deal with shit too. I get angry, sometimes words slip out that I don’t actually mean, and I have plenty of my own breakdowns. I love him and all I do is treat him the way that he deserves. But that’s a conscious effort, Brooks. We can’t control everything, so take charge of the things that you can. To me, that’s seeing Sen smile and, obviously, I’m extremely protective of him, so if I don’t manage to make him smile, I’ll meet him where he’s at, which is halfway to hell some days. There’s not a single person in the world that life is always kind to.”
“How do you stay so put together?” I wondered, ready to tuck the info away for another day.
“For one, I let myself fall apart. When a structure is unsteady, sometimes the best course of action is to knock it down and rebuild. Maybe it’ll just give you more good days before it falls again, but you can also tweak it each time until you’ve made it exactly how you want it.
“Second, figure out what and who is important. Once you do that, you can add them into your little cycle. Two people rebuilding a house is more efficient than one, but you also have to pop in to do the same for them.”
“Love is selfless,” I mused.
“No.”
“No?”
“It’s a little selfish. Keeping them together helps keep you together too. Maybe it’s codependent, but in a relationship, your emotions are going to be influenced by the person you love. When they’re sad, you’ll feel that and when they’re happy, it’ll help you be happy. Making sure they’re okay is mutually beneficial, so no, it’s not entirely selfless, but that’s not a bad thing. It shouldn’t be hard. You obviously are gone for him already.”
“Not obviously,” I muttered.
“You’ve been wearing your hair down more. He likes it, right?”
I didn’t bother responding.
He pushed his door open and started going through the clothes in his closet. It was only a single bar for hangers with barely enough space for one person. Garment bag in hand, he turned around with a grin.
“Reshape your perceptions, Brooks. You want adventure in the great wide somewhere and so much more than they’ve got planned.”
I blinked a few times. “That’s from something.”
“Nah, I don’t think it is. I’m a quotable guy.”
“Hm.”
He was full of shit. I was sure of it.
Chapter 29
Tilian
Did I tell Brooks I’d let him know if I was going to the party? Yes, I did. I hadn’t, however, followed through with that.
Apparently, it didn’t matter because he was standing outside my door, twirling his keys around his finger. Neither of us had said anything. I was still processing the fact that he was here right now and looked too beautiful for his own good.
“What’s up?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Well, I was thinking. The country is in debt, our political prospects are trash, and by the time we’re old, the retirement age will probably be seventy-five. It’d be irresponsible of us to exacerbate the climate crisis on top of all that.” When I didn’t respond, he leaned against the doorframe. “I’m saying that we should carpool.”
“Yeah, I got that.”
“Cool. You just like hearing me talk then.”
“That’s not something you do.”
His lips thinned. “Right. It’s something I want to do, though.”
