Page 96 of Defend Me
“Look, the point is that I’m capable of exactly the same things they are. The people I grew up around aren’t just hot shot lawyers and people with ass loads of money. They’re politicians, millionaires who are as corrupt as they come, and people who should have gone down for the shit they do, but they have people like my parents making sure they stay rich and happy.”
“They’re that deep? I thought they were just really good at their jobs and made a lot of money. That sounds like the mafia.”
“I don’t know, man,” I sighed. “I wasn’t ignorant to the fact that they worked with shady people and defended ones who didn’t deserve it. And I knew that there was a lot of corruption, but now, I feel like I’ve been seeing how fucked up it is.”
“Let me ask you something. Do you want that life? Do you want to be a corporate attorney like them?”
“It’s the plan. I’ll have a place at their firm. We’re supposed to work together.”
“Fuck that, Brooks. This is eating at you and it’s obvious that you don’t want to be around those types of people. That’s in no way a bad thing.”
“And what if I’m already like them?”
“If you’re worrying about it this much, it means that you’re not. That world you’re so afraid of doesn’t have to be your destiny. You can even work in the same field and choose to stay out of all that. Whatever your family has done is on them, just like everything they continue to do.”
“Say I choose to work with them. I can’t bring Tilian into that. I’ll become…”
He smacked my leg with the back of his hand. “Fuck off with that shit. Power corrupts, but it doesn’t corrupt everyone equally. Most of those assholes would be fucked up regardless because positions of power attract people like them. If you don’t want to be like them, it’s simple. Don’t be.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“Nothing is easy. What I do think is that you need to talk to Tilian about this. If you’ve been going through this and denying your feelings, you need to deal with that. Everyone should be on the same page in any relationship, platonic or otherwise.”
“How do I talk to him if I’m still undecided?”
“Tell him that or, better yet, figure it out first. He’s already done this back and forth with you. Don’t you think he deserves to know what to expect?”
“Of course he does.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to have it all figured out, by the way. You need to communicate openly, though. If he’s not okay with what’s going on in your head, then maybe it’s not right. Just because you like him doesn’t mean it’s end game. It could be, though. It sounds like he’s been ready to be there for you for a while.”
“Yeah, to the point of him harassing me.”
He chuckled, then squeezed my thigh. “You have to trust him, man, but also yourself. If you don’t want to hurt him, then don’t. Some things are out of our hands, but most of the time, we can still affect the destination by nudging things a certain way throughout the journey.”
“I really think you’re, like, Ghandi reincarnated or something.”
“Nah. Jesus, maybe.”
“That’s sacrilege.”
“You religious, Brooks?”
“I’m more into the old gods, not the new.”
“I can respect it.”
“Anyway, I’ll get out of here since you value your alone time and shit.”
“Or you can give me an opinion on this suit I got for the team dinner we have next month.”
I hummed thoughtfully as I pretended to consider it. “Sell me on the idea.”
“You have impeccable taste in clothes, probably because you were brainwashed into caring too much about appearances. Since you’re half gay, I trust that you’ll tell me honestly if I look dapper as fuck.”
“Mm. Well, I guess I can do that. Don’t tell me you’re feeling self-conscious about it.”
The corner of his mouth lifted before he turned to lead me down the hall. “Self-conscious? No. But when it comes to Sen, I sort of overthink things.”
