Page 82 of Defend Me
I was just starting to relax when there was a knock on the door. After blinking a few times, I got to my feet. It was late for anyone to come by, especially unannounced.
I’d barely opened the door when Brooks grabbed the front of my shirt and pushed me backward. He kicked the door closed behind him, then just stood there breathing heavily.
“Hey,” I said lamely. “Are you okay?”
He shook his head. Just like always, it was hard to read him, but something was pushing through. I didn’t think he really had control of it right now, which must’ve meant things were bad.
“Come here.” I tugged him toward the bed so we could sit, but he resisted. “Brooks, please talk to me. I’ve been so worried. You didn’t text me back for days.”
“I need you. I’m so lost in my head.”
He collapsed against the wall and I thought he’d drop to the ground, but he stayed standing and hung his head. Not knowing what else to do, I wrapped my arms around his neck. He held me tightly against him, tucking his face into my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“For what?”
“For being me. For touching you, then pushing you away.” His fingers slid up my back, dipping underneath my shirt. On my bare skin, they left a trail of fire.
“It’s okay. Everything is okay. I’m here. Whatever you need.”
“I want you to stay away.”
“No,” I replied firmly. “I want to be here. With you.”
“I can’t stop thinking about you, but I don’t want to lead you on or put you in a position where you’ll get hurt.”
“I won’t get hurt.”
“No, that’s what I do. I hurt good people who think I’m worth giving their heart to. I don’t want it.” He lifted his head and leveled his dark gaze on me. “Don’t ever give me your heart, Tilian.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
Maybe it was the truth. I didn’t have a way to know right now. The only thing I was sure of was that I hated what I saw in his eyes. It was like anger, but different. Hatred? From everything he’d said, tonight and over the past month, I wondered if it was directed at himself. I couldn’t imagine what there was to hate about him.
“I missed you,” he breathed, leaning his forehead against mine.
“Me too.”
His hand moved to the back of my neck. “I need you to tell me to leave.” When I didn’t respond, he looked pained. “Please tell me to go, Tilian.”
“But I want you to stay.”
“Why?”
“So I can make you feel safe.”
His eyes closed and a tear started to roll down his cheek. I rose on my toes and kissed the spot to stop its trail. Maybe if I kept it from touching more of him, I could somehow hold him together.
Two of his fingers stroked my jaw slowly, drawing my gaze back to his. “It goes against everything I’ve been trying to protect you from,” he murmured, “but I’m feeling selfish right now. And I’m warning you that this doesn’t come from a good place, so if you’re committed to finding something healthy here tonight…”
I tightened my grip around his neck and kissed him before he could say any more. This was toxic and I knew that it was a way for him to cope, but I needed him safe more than anything. If he tried to leave because he thought he’d hurt me, I had no idea what would happen or where he’d go.
“Fuck, Tilian,” he groaned. It was almost a fucking growl. “How do you do this to me?”
“What do I do?”
“You consume me. My thoughts, my stupid fucking decisions.”
