Page 81 of Defend Me
Lies, lies, lies.
What was perfection if it wasn’t real?
I wanted to break things. It hadn’t helped before and only made the cleaner look at me with concern. I hated him so fucking much, but every time I tried to tell him not to come back, he showed up at his scheduled time. My parents paid him, so he didn’t listen to me. Now, I just made sure not to be home when he came, otherwise I might consider tossing him off the balcony if it was a particularly bad day.
I thought about continuing the crescent moon on my thigh. It was big and I’d been working on it for a while now, slowly, bit by bit. I wanted it to be done. Maybe if I finished it, something would happen. It was like a metaphor. It represented a lunar phase and once that passed, we moved into the next.
What if the new phase was worse?
The silence weighed on me, clouding my head as I stared up at the sky. It was like the air was full of that shit and it was all converging into a giant mass that would wrap itself around me like a boa constrictor.
I was alone here. Everything was in perfect order and the world was going on as it always did.
The quiet was all around me. I was left with only myself everywhere I went, trapped in empty space that didn’t feel empty- not from all of the things inside my head that scratched at the surface. There was never any escape. I was trapped in the silence that was too fucking loud to ever bring me peace.
Chapter 24
Tilian
Tilian:I know I’ve texted u a bunch, but I’m worried.
Dean said he talked to u, but he wouldn’t tell me anything.
Sorry. It’s probably not cool that I’m asking other people about u.
Your friends have texted me too. They’re worried.
Are we still friends?
Sorry. I’ll leave u alone.
Maybe u need someone to keep trying to talk to u. I’m here if u need to vent or anything.
Sorry. I’m being annoying.
Brooks:Stop fucking apologizing so much.
I sat up straight in the bed. Brooks hadn’t responded to my messages in a while. Not since the ice rink, actually. I waited three whole days to reach out to him because I wasn’t about to be that pathetic. When he didn’t show up to Pritchard’s class on Tuesday, I couldn’t help myself.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if Sen hadn’t messaged me again. He was legitimately concerned since they’d gone to his place and he wouldn’t answer to let them in. When Dean wouldn’t give me any answers, I was really freaked out about the way Brooks had been hiding away from everyone. It wasn’t like him.
Sure, I didn’t know him super well, but enough to make certain assumptions. If his other friends, who’d been around him since the start of the school year, were on edge about his behavior, then I could be too.
Before he messaged me back, I was ready to drive to his apartment and demand to see him. Thankfully, I didn’t have to Google the best places to find a battering ram at nine PM on a Saturday.
Tilian:Sorry.
That one was a joke.
Brooks:What are you doing?
Tilian:Nada. Wbu?
And we were back to not responding. Cool.
I dropped onto my back and pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. This was so stressful. I was riddled with anxiety on the best of days and now there was a dude I couldn’t stop worrying about who liked to be aloof and mysterious.
Maybe I’d just make it an early night. Wakefulness was not for pathetic guys like me.
