Page 74 of Trusting the Fall
“Cheers!” I hold my shot up and clink my glass against hers before we shoot them back.
“Now that we have an appropriate amount of liquid courage, should we say the things we’ve been avoiding?” Lex asks.
I blow out a breath and nod before taking a generous sip of my cocktail, smacking my lips after the taste of tart lime coats it. “Sure.”
“Okay, you go first.”
“Wow, nice show of courage, Lex.”
“What? I feel like your problem is an easier fix.”
I groan into my hands as I contemplate the thoughts that have plagued me since the first night I met Leif.
“You know the story of my dad and how it affected my mum,” I say, and Lex nods in agreement as she sips on her straw. “She raised me to think men couldn’t be depended on. That women had to assert their independence and always maintain the upper hand in relationships. Relationships being surface level, obviously. Never get too deep. Once it feels like work, or once they fit too easily into your everyday life, you’ve let it go too far. You can’t ever let them get comfortable in your space because that’s when you let your defences down, and that’s when they can hurt you.”
I swirl my straw, watching as the lime wedge swirls with the ice cubes. “I never questioned it before. Maybe because my mum and grandma never had a man around. I’ve never noticed what it was like to have a partner in your space, to realise that maybe something was lacking. Especially since I’ve had you.”
I smile and reach over to squeeze her hand.
My nose tingles, and my eyes itch as I look at my best friend. Imagining what it would be like to not have Lex in my life. It would be like missing a limb. There’s not a moment big or small that I would want to miss of her life or share with her of my own.
“Lex, I think I found something that was lacking from my space. I don’t want to let it go, but I don’t know how to keep it.”
She gives me a reassuring squeeze back.
“I don’t think you realise just how capable of love you are,” she says. “When I moved here, that was a really difficult time for me. Do you know all the ways you comforted me and gave me support, without me even asking?” Lex shakes her head and stares off into the crowd for a beat. “It took me so long to open up to you, but you were there anyway. I think you’ve always acted like you have to beon. Have to be this loud, confident queen. Which you are, but you’re also soft and sweet and loyal, and like it or not, vulnerable. I think you’ve just been hedging your bets, waiting for someone to come along who was strong enough to handle all of you. Who appreciated all the pieces. But, even queens need a king, someone to show her what it’s like to be worshipped.”
I laugh at that, wiping a hand under my sniffling nose.
I down the rest of my cocktail and make a decision. My heart is hammering so much, I’m not sure if it’s fear or tequila trying to make its way out. But I can’t deny what’s been in front of me anymore. The way Leif treats me is precious, and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s something I’ve never looked for, but it’s found me and struck me down anyway.
Looking up at Lex once more, I say, “You’re right. But you’ll always be my fellow queen.” With the alcohol flowing freely through my bloodstream, I fortify myself and take out my phone.
ME: I have a problem.
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: The same problem as last time? Cause you can cuff me anytime, I’ll gladly make that my problem.
ME: I like fighting with you a little too much.
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: When do we fight Bombshell? I feel like we do a whole lot of agreeing whenever we’re together.
ME: Okay, I like YOU a little too much.
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: I’m still failing at seeing the problem.
ME: I don’t know how to do this
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: What is ‘this’? Specifically?
ME: Let someone in. Let them be someone to me. Someone I can’t live without.
THE ONLY VIKING YOU NEED: That does sound like a problem. Cos I’m pretty sure you’re someone I can’t give up. Do you think maybe it’s something we can work out together?
ME: I’d like to try…
32
Myfootbouncesnervouslyas I sit on Claire’s front porch, waiting.
