Page 44 of The Last Train Home
I cosy up to him. ‘Because you’re brilliant,’ I say, turning his body so that he’s forced to stop chopping up salad items and moves into my embrace. I’m holding him tightly, this man I love, and he holds me back in return.
And then I think of the lengths I’d have to go to, to calm Sean down, if Ihadactually slept with Tom. I can’t imagine.
Chapter 28
Tom
May 2006
Samantha’s started sending out ‘Save the Date’ cards. She’s determined she’s not going to be pregnant when we get married, nor is she going to be ‘the size of a house’, so we’ve scheduled the wedding for September 2007, instead of having what she called ‘a shotgun wedding’beforethe baby is due, which is in two months’ time. I’m not sure what fills me with fear more: a wedding or a baby. I need to wrap my head around both, because they are happening. But I want this baby and so does Samantha; I want this baby tofeelthat love, and I want to share that love with Samantha.
What Abbie said to me in the pub rang true. She wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. But how on earth is she ever going to understand why I’m doing what I’m doing? She comes from a lovely family. I’ve met her dad. He’s decent. Really cares about his daughter, and I’m sure her mum’s the same. A stable family background – that’s what she has, that’s what Samantha has. I had two parents, but the way they show love is … different.
I don’t want that for this little baby. And I’m sure as hell not going to be responsible for bringing a baby into the world to find that his or her parents couldn’t even be arsed to make a go of it. My babywillcome from a stable family background. It won’t be packed off to boarding school, like I was. We are going to be a family. A good one, a proper one. I’m going to be part of a family. But it doesn’t mean I’m not freaking out.
The wedding is more than a year away. I had no idea weddings take this long to plan, but Samantha assures me they do. This is all so huge. And expensive.
I lift my shoulders higher, give myself a good talking-to. Abbie was right. I do need to grow up, be responsible, because I’m going to be a father. I’m going to be a husband. I’m finally going to be part of a proper family.
Chapter 29
Abbie
July 2006
I’ve made good on my promise to Sean not to see Tom. I felt awful telling him I wouldn’t when I really wanted to, especially now that Tom and I have reconnected again, and now that I understand why things ended between us the way they did. But I understand Sean’s concerns. I see his point of view. How would I feel if it had been the other way round; if Sean had wanted to sleep with someone, had got so incredibly close to it happening and the other person had backed out – and then had kept meeting up with that person? I doubt very much I’d be happy about it. Actually I’d be nervous, on tenterhooks, checking that Sean actually came home to me. So I see what he means.
It’s been a few months since that day in the pub with Tom when I said we could be friends again. I’ve glimpsed him across the courtyard from my office window and we’ve waved. But while I’m avoiding seeing him in person, so as not to upset Sean, we’ve messaged a few times, exchanged views on England’s performance during the World Cup: that getting knocked out of a tournament on penalties is crueland how, in his next life, Tom says he’s coming back as Frank Lampard.
He makes me smile. When I eventually thought I’d mention to Sean that I’d like to meet up with Tom, just for a drink or a coffee or something innocent, I chose the wrong time and decided against it. With England getting knocked out of the World Cup, Sean’s been in a sore mood for weeks, like most of the nation.
On the two occasions Tom’s suggested we meet up, I’ve fobbed him off. Actually I’ve typed out messages agreeing to it, but my stomach twisted so much, as a result of the deceit, that I couldn’t go through with it. He’s stopped asking now.
And then one day in July I look across the courtyard, which I try not to do too often, and see Tom’s not at his desk. Nor is he in later that day. He never takes a day off. Perhaps he’s on holiday.
I send him a message. ‘How are you? The England team’s getting a new manager,’ I type inanely. I wonder if his interest in football has waned. I look across at Tom’s empty desk, my mind whirring as to where he is.
Chapter 30
Tom
I am a father. I have a son. I have ason.
Samantha was about to be induced, after the baby was determined it was staying put, sailing past his due date by miles. But after her waters finally broke and our baby worked his way into the world, it was as if a miracle had happened right in front of me. I’ve never known anything like it. Childbirth is kind of cool. And also pretty grim. But mostly cool.
No one tells you how long it’s going to take. He was an outrageous little fighter, though, really fought to stay in there. When he did emerge, screaming his lungs out in annoyance at Samantha having evicted him from his little home, I fell in love.
I wasn’t prepared for the sudden rush that hit me, as if my heart had never truly known love before, which actually I don’t think it ever had, now that I think about it. After they cleaned him up and handed him to me for a quick hold, I vowed there and then that I would never let any harm come to him. I actually cried.
And then he went off to Samantha, who was a trooper the whole way through. She’s so elegant and collected in hereveryday life, but she swore like a scaffolder every time the midwife told her to push. He lay on her chest and then fed for what felt like hours. He’s marvellous. Just the best little man. I’m so lucky. I can’t believe I thought this was going to ruin my life. This hasmademy life. I’m still shit-scared, though. I have to keep him alive. I can’t even keep plants alive. Thank God Samantha and I are in this together. I’m so glad I made that decision. I glance over at her as she’s looking at our son and I think,I have a family. I’ve done it, I’ve made a family. My God, I’m so lucky.
‘What shall we call him?’ she asks.
We’ve been debating this for months and we still can’t find an answer. We were both hoping something would come to us the moment we saw him. But he’s here and it hasn’t.
‘It’ll come to us eventually,’ I say. ‘He’s perfect. You were perfect.’
She looks up at me. ‘I love you.’
