Page 43 of The Last Train Home
Sean closes his eyes as a level of obvious exasperation moves through him. ‘Why is it complicated?’ he asks.
‘Wewerejust friends, and then one night—’
‘Oh, I knew it,’ he says. ‘I bloody knew it. People don’t stop being friends for no reason. I knew Tom was lying when I asked him. And I still went ahead and asked you out.’
‘Nothing happened,’ I interject. ‘Nothing at all.’ I realise that’s a lie. ‘I mean, something happened, but not what you think. We didn’t …’
He waits. I think he’s stopped breathing.
‘We didn’t have sex. And even if we had …’ I realise this train of thought is unhelpful, ‘I wasn’t seeing you, remember?It was before you and I even went on our first date. By that point Tom and I – we were done. It was over. Whateveritwas.’
Sean picks up the knife and starts chopping again, his brow furrowed. I think he’s completely forgotten about the fact that I’ve just told him I’d been in a train crash. I know it was last year, but a little sympathy would have been nice. Instead he’s fixated on …
‘Tell meexactlywhat happened between you,’ he says, pointing the knife at me. He lowers it and mumbles, ‘Sorry. But I need to know. What did you …do?’
‘You want graphic details?’ I’m being crass now, and I shouldn’t be. He’s perfectly within his rights to know if the woman he’s in love with once hooked up with one of his mates. He’s shocked, needs talking down from the edge. ‘You can’t possibly want to hear that,’ I try. ‘And it’s not even that graphic. And if it makes you feel any better, Tom didn’t want to have sex with me.’ This is sort of true. ‘Tom and I were in our underwear, and that’s when he decided he did not want to have sex with me. Does that make you feel a little bit better?’ (I’m skipping over the bit about Tom finding out Samantha was pregnant and that’s why we stopped. That might only muddy the waters.)
‘Of course I don’t feel any better,’ Sean says. ‘You wanted to have sex with Tom. Why would anything else you say after that make me feel better?’
I open my mouth and then close it again. This conversation hasn’t gone the way I’d hoped at all.
‘You wanted to have sex with Tom,’ he says, to himself. ‘Abbie,’ he exhales loudly.
‘What?’ I say soothingly.
‘Do you still see him?’ He looks pained. ‘Because I don’t really want you to meet up with him again,’ he says quietly. ‘It scares me. What if the two of you—’
‘That’s not going to happen,’ I interject quickly.
‘I don’t want him anywherenearyou.’
‘He’s with someone. And I’m with you. And Tom and I … we’re friends,’ I say helplessly.
‘No, you aren’t. You haven’t spoken to him in months.’ He looks at me. ‘Have you?’
I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to tell the truth, either, and risk upsetting him further. I don’t want to hurt Sean. Sean is in my future, and Tom is firmly in my past. I feel I’ve got no choice but to shake my head and utter the smallest of white lies. ‘No, I’ve not spoken to him in months.’
‘Good,’ he says, visibly relieved. ‘I wish I’d known all of this before. I’d never have asked you out, if I’d thought you and he …’ He turns his head away. ‘Is it because he saved you? Is that why you did it? Did you feel youowedhim something?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘It was just two drunk people in a kitchen. Andnothing happened.’
‘And nothing’s going to happen,’ he says, mostly to himself, as he dices the cucumber with more gusto than he did a few minutes ago.
‘Understood,’ I concede. I need to move this on. ‘Why don’t you speak to Tom any more? You were friends.’
‘I’d started a new job. I wanted a fresh start.’
‘And cut your old friends out of your life?’
‘Tom went a bit strange,’ Sean says.
‘Because of the train, probably,’ I suggest.
‘Yeah, I guess so now. But … as well as being my friend, he was my boss,’ Sean continues. ‘And then he got promoted again and I thought I’d end up in his old job, but that didn’t happen. No one got his old job. He could have promoted me, but it was some sort of cost-saving bullshit. I wasn’t buying it. I think I held it against Tom a bit and then realised it was time to move on.’
‘I didn’t know he’d got a promotion,’ I mention. Tom tells people nothing about himself. ‘You went speed-dating once together, so I heard.’ I’m aiming for a light-hearted tone and I think Sean’s coming round now.
‘That was before,’ he says. ‘I felt my wings were a bit clipped and, in part, that’s because of Tom. I couldn’t wait to get out of there, after all that. I didn’t feel very valued. Anyway it all worked out in the end. I’m at a better company, better pension, better bonus scheme. Better all round. And I’m in a more senior role.’
