“Because there’s something wrong with him and I tried to poke him to get a reaction,” he cuts off, crossing his arms over his chest with a shrug. “He can smile and joke and laugh all he wants, I don’t buy it. There’s something wrong.”
“Of course there’s something wrong!” I whisper yell frantically. “He’s sick and in pain, and afraid! He knows he won’t live long and he wants to make things right with you, so can you please stop messing with his head?”
His eyes narrow on me and he bites the inside of his cheek, like he’s lost in his thoughts.
“Hm… So you do know how bad it is,” he muses. “But, do you know what scares him the most?”
Do I? I know he has a list he won’t show me or talk about and having a sit down with our parents is on that list. Is he afraid of dying before he can go through it all?
“Leaving you behind,” Nate answers, his voice and eyes suddenly softer. “He’s afraid of leaving you alone. He thinks because he protected you from guys when you were younger, he doomed you to loneliness. That, because of him meddling and needing you so much, you’ll be alone and sad when he’s gone.”
He releases a long and heavy sigh and I notice the muscle of his jaw flexing. I’m frozen in my seat. That’s why he’s been acting like this since we moved here. That’s why he’s pushing me away. Because he knows how I feel.He knows that, without him, I’m not sure I can move forward. That I’ll be stuck in grief, unable to move on. That he is all I have, and somehow, he feels guilty about it.
“How long has he been—Let’s say, less protective of you?” He asks.
How long has he? Not that long, honestly. I remember freaking out about two years ago when he encouraged me to date some guy he met at a book signing. I was so shocked that he actually tried to set me up that I laughed to tears before dismissing it.
How surprised I was that he actually seemed happy for me when I mentioned I was seeing someone a few weeks later. He was usually never happy about me dating, and I used to dread these conversations.
“A couple of years,” I admit softly.
He nods slowly, eyes boring into mine, and I pick up my fork again to eat another piece of pie—this shit is absolutely delicious.
“Anyway,” Nate says in a sigh, picking up a little bit of salad from his plate, “I was just trying to get a rise out of him. When I offered to pick you up, I was expecting him to outright refuse. When he didn’t I pushed a little, trying to see if he really trusted me or if it was a test of some sort, I don’t know.”
“Maybe he’s just trying to show you he’s really sorry about what happened and that he trusts you,” I muse. “Because he is, you know? Sorry?”
He chews in silence, looking down at his plate for a few seconds before answering. “I know.”
“And he missed you.”
Another silence. “I missed him too.”
My lips stretch in a small smile. Before Nate, Jack never had this kind of male companionship. Most guys he tried to befriend before college were… Well, either had trouble accepting his disabilities or sexuality, even though he was not advertising it to the whole world. Nate had been different from the start. Accepting him as he was, not pushing him away or weirded out. They met when they became roommates and were inseparable until that damn night.
“So can you please stop torturing him now?”
“Torturing him?” He frowns, lifting his gaze to meet mine.
“Yes. Stop trying to push his buttons by implying stuff.”
One of his brow rises. “Oh no, on the contrary. If he is desperate enough to let you date guys like that clown at the precinct, I’m going to pushhis buttons even more.”
“And here’s to my next point; stop meddling in my personal life,” I say sternly, pointing at him with my fork. “You can reconnect with Jack without reliving the good old days.”
“Oh, I probably won’t. I’ll even say that I’ll be doing it more. If Jack doesn’t make sure they deserve you, I will.” I frown, but he continues before I can say anything. “Oh, and by the way—Let’s clear the air, shall we?” He pauses and stares at me, his eyes bluer than they’ve ever been. “Me?” He asks, pointing at himself with his own fork. “Definitely not gay.”
13
HOT MESSY SEX ON CANVAS AND NOTEPADS, COVERED IN GRAPHITE
EIGHT YEARS AGO
Nuri: Do you want to hang out tonight?
Nuri: I’m at the bar, but my shift ends in forty minutes. We can order some pizza and watch the new season of Grey’s Anatomy?
Prudence: I can’t tonight, I’m meeting with Jason Perkwood. He should be here soon.
