Page 8 of The Wonder of You
I see the relief cross Lukas’ face and decide not to ask the questions floating in my mind.
Chapter 7
We arrive at the stall with the painted rocks that Maudie wanted to show me. At the front of the stall, there are lions and elephants painted onto stone, emblems representing animals I associate with the circus. I smile as a part of my inner child fights to come out. These stones are beautiful.
Maudie voices my excitement. “I love them all so much, I love the cute cat ones most, but look at the ladybugs, do you remember them?”
I feel a rush of affection come over me and I almost want to hug her. It’s a weird feeling for me. I am far from affectionate, and I don’t tend to hug people I don’t know. But something about Maudie resonates with me. I know what it’s like to be a child wanting a mum, who just wants approval from those around her. At least Maudie has her father, though. From what I’ve seen, he is a great dad and this whole circus seems to be one big family. She’s the luckiest kid in the world.
Lukas looks at me, looks at Maudie and then back. “Can I leave her with you for two minutes?”
At first, I want to say no. I have no experience with children, but I nod anyway. A part of me knows it will be okay. Where is this positivity coming from?
Lukas walks off and knocks on the door of a big cabin nearby. It looks like any old cabin and reminds me of the ones I saw on campsites as a child, but this one has red and white lines painted down it. It seems to besome kind of management or facilities space, but they’ve kept it in appearance with the rest of the circus.
“Which one is your favourite?” Maudie asks, stealing my attention again.
I look back at the designs.
“Oh, well, there are so many and I love them all.” I smile.
It’s true as well. The decorations and paintings are brilliant and I sort of want to buy one. A love heart, a cat, the elephant. But my heart sinks at the thought of actually taking one. These items are too nice for me, too precious to be taken home to silence. I can’t give them the love they deserve.
I rub my hand over a stone that draws me in. It has an R painted on it, almost like it’s there for me. Goosebumps run up my arms as I touch it, making me feel this place is magical once again. The memories of certain times in my life will never go away. They are marked on my skin forevermore, but this place… this place makes me feel like all of those memories are just a small part of me, nothing more.
They do not define me.
Again, I know these thoughts will leave me as soon as I return home. Why do I feel like a different person here? It’s like I’m split down the middle into two people - the boring, half-dead me and the me that I could be. The version of myself I long to be.
Am I really finding a new connection with life by touching a rock?
“Renée?” Lukas breaks me away from my thoughts. I quickly glance at Maudie, finding relief within me thatshe’s still there. The last thing I need is to lose a child I was supposed to be looking after because I was distracted by a rock.
Sorry Lukas, I wasn’t looking because the rock made me feel alive.
I turn and see Lukas standing there with that same expression on his face, the one I can’t pinpoint. I don’t want to be as bold as to assume this man has some sort of crush on me, but it comes across like he can’t look away.
And then I notice the man standing beside him.
My heart drops.
He’s tall and wearing a suit, but it’s a plain black one, unlike the other workers who are all dressed in colour.
But there is nothing plain about this man. His skin seems to be paler than perhaps normal, a big contrast to his black wavy hair. It’s sort of messy with a couple of curls hanging over, almost like Lukas has just woken him up from a nap.
I can’t stop staring. Oh no, nowI’mthe one being weird. But I can’t help myself. His eyes are so dark, they pull me in and I want to run towards him.
Do I have a crush? No, this doesn’t feel like a crush.
Have I met him before? He looks so… so familiar, but in a way I do not understand.
My head spins and my breath catches with one single word from his mouth.
“Renée?”
I go to speak, but I find I have no words.
He walks towards me and I move my head back to look up at him. A weird sensation takes me. Excitement. Christmas morning before Carl destroyed the innocence. A late night despite how school is the next morning. The sun shining through the window. The anticipation of a holiday. Home. The relief of coming home.
