"For you girls to be hurt. Kelsi, you, my sis... If anything happened to you guys, I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself. I'd feel like... I truly failed him this time."
"...Your older brother?" I guess.
"Yeah... Moon Goddess, I fucking miss him so much... I feel like... I feel like I've lost my way since Levi's death. That I'm worthless."
"I feel like you all really, really loved him."
"He was the best older brother, Mara," he says, looking at me with a little smile. "Levi was kind, strong, fucking brave... The kind of guy everyone wants as their brother. He was like that to our whole pack. He would have been Selena's Beta. To me, he was my older brother, the one I was always looking up to. There's a fucking void in our family since Levi's gone, and in me too. You know, since Levi was so perfect, and Daniel is the total study nerd, a beast of a brain, I was fine being the goofy third brother. Just making the family smile on hard days, spending time with our little brother, making Bonnie, who's the most serious and stiff, loosen up sometimes too. Now, everything is just... so fucked up."
I can imagine that, if their older brother was such a great guy... It does feel like he left a big void behind.
"Until you experience it yourself, you feel like... When someone dies, it just hurts when they pass. Maybe a bit after the funeral, and then a bit of time later. I realized this is bullshit. You can never forget. You just... learn to live with that fucking hole in your life. It's not like someone's going to replace them, or things get better after a set amount of time. It never does. I... How do I keep being the goofy brother, if no one feels like laughing anymore? Bonnie wasn't so harsh before, and she wasn't one to get mad at someone. Even Selena. She's changed. Everyone has changed, and I don't know what I should change into."
I can hear his voice cracking, but Ben doesn't let go and cry. Instead, he looks... angry. I don't know at what; maybe at himself, or at his deceased older brother, or at the Moon Goddess. I keep staring at him, surprised to see him so mature. I had forgotten Ben was an adult too under his usual laidback and cheerful attitude.
I let out a long sigh, a bit at a loss on what to tell him. It's hard to advise someone in a position I've never been myself...
"You know, I like the cheerful you."
He glances at me, surprised.
"You mean the one that lets you get away with pretty much everything you shouldn't?"
I can't help but chuckle.
"Yeah, there's a bit of that too. But, you know... I don't think your family will resent you for staying you. Even if it's hard for them to smile or laugh, at the moment. There was a time I was pretty depressed, at the hospital, you know. The days are very, very long when you stay between four walls, with no family to visit you. Bonnie couldn't be there all the time, and she was my nurse, not exactly there to be my friend. However, the fact that Kelsi visited so often... She didn't have to, but she spent so much time there. I know no one likes to visit hospitals. It's... unfamiliar, buzzing with people between life and death and people who don't have time to care about you. The cold white walls, the smell of disinfected rooms and weird products... Still, Kelsi always came to see me and never complained. She was always smiling, overflowing with joy, excited for new research or something. I think... I think this is exactly what people going through shit need."
I can't help but smile a bit, reminiscing about our days together in that hospital room. I was always so looking forward to when she'd come and visit. Wondering what stupid outfit she'd have on that day, if she had found anything new... Maybe that's also why I was quick to forgive her about those texts. I knew Kelsi couldn't really be bad, just... wrong.
I glance down and pet the ball of fur on my lap. Spark doesn't care about our moonlight discussion, he's just wrapped up in a perfect bundle with only his tail out. Ben is looking down too, but I know he's listening to my words.
"From... someone like me, it may sound odd, but I really think we need all kinds of people in this world. You don't have to worry about how your parents or siblings deal with the loss. That's something you cannot do anything about, and they'll overcome it themselves in some way. But... I think it's sadder if they lose the goofy Ben too. I think Levi would be happy, if you keep trying to make them smile, if you keep being yourself. It's just... okay, Ben. Things are hard enough without your brother, you don't need to add pressure on yourself too. If you do your best, that's all we need."
He slowly nods, but stays silent a very long while. I don't mind, though. I don't think I'm the best listener, and probably not the best person to give advice to people. It was more of my own personal opinion than any real advice too. I just needed to tell Ben what I really thought of him.
I don't really care that he's not a good bodyguard, or if he messes up. I do too. I actually like it better that he's letting me do what I want most of the time, and regrets it later. How much longer would it take for me to find my answers if I had someone constantly on my back, watching me from up close and preventing me from doing what I needed to, keeping me away from where I had to go? In a way, I was lucky. Or maybe, Selena knew exactly what kind of werewolf should be with me. I don't think she overestimated Ben. Or maybe, she underestimated me instead...
"...Thank you, Mara."
Ben has a faint smile on, but at least it's a smile, and he does look a little bit better now. He takes a deep breath.
"I think I needed to hear that... and from someone who wasn't from my family."
"You're welcome," I reply. "I'll send you my bill as a therapist?"
"Very funny..." he chuckles, "but you're right. Maybe I've been... putting too much pressure on myself lately. Selena was never mad at me either, not really. I just think we're all... trying to figure out where we are now, what to do."
"Trust me, I know the feeling," I sigh.
"...Don't worry, girl."
I turn to him, a bit surprised, but Ben gives me a faint smile.
"You have us. Even if... you don't get all the answers you want, or those you want to hear, at least you have us. Kelsi, Bonnie, and I. We are not just here because we feel like we have to, you know. You're one hell of a spunky witch and I love that."
I find myself chuckling at those words. They do feel good to hear, and I nod.
"Thanks, Ben. I like my goofy bodyguard too."
