I step out of my room, and indeed, Ben is up. He's sitting on our little balcony, staring at the moon. I silently walk over to him, a bit curious. He has left his phone on the couch, and he's just outside, with a deep expression.
"Hey," I say.
He turns his head to me, visibly surprised. I realize his eyes are red and teary. Was he crying? He clumsily rubs his eyes and sniffles, trying to act normal.
"Hey," he replied. "You're up too?"
"Yeah... I think I napped too much. I can't sleep."
It would be a bit awkward if I left now, so I just grab the other chair and sit on it. Spark immediately jumps on my lap to make himself comfortable and resume his sleep. Ben looks a bit embarrassed and avoids my gaze, staring away. For a little while, we stay silent. I feel sorry I caught him crying. That's not the Ben I know...
"...I can't sleep either," he finally says.
"Well, we had a pretty big day."
"Yeah... but once again, I was worthless."
I'm surprised to hear Ben being so harsh on himself. He's usually so... joyful and encouraging, I never thought I'd hear him say something like that.
"Ben, what are you saying, you... you protected Kelsi during the attack."
"Have you seen her forehead?"
"It's not that bad..."
However, he keeps shaking his head.
"No, it's bad, Mara. Kelsi is human. She isn't a werewolf or a witch. She doesn't heal easily like us. What if she gets a scar? It's going to be all my fault."
"Ben, she followed me," I retorted. "If anything, you're the one who tried to stop us. I'm the one to blame, Kelsi refused to go back inside the diner because I stayed outside. I'm to blame, and she's a bit to blame too."
He sighs loudly, and the way his shoulders fall, I know I haven't been convincing enough. Why is he being like this tonight? He seemed okay this afternoon. Or was it all an act? Is he the type to brood when he's alone?
"...Ben, you're doing a good job, you know."
"Stop lying, Mara. It's nice of you, but I am not that dumb to think I'm anything you can call a good bodyguard."
I stay silent. I'm not good at comforting people, and I really don't know what to tell him. I feel sorry for Ben because I'm probably not the easiest witch to watch in the first place. Maybe Bonnie was a bit too harsh on him this afternoon too without realizing it. He was dragged into this morning's mess, and anyway, Kelsi could have been hurt either way. She's a human sticking to a witch and a pair of werewolves. I've come to love her, as my first and best friend, but she's just about as stubborn and reckless as I am, and it's really not the best combo.
"Bonnie was right... I'm a shitty excuse for a Beta," he sighs.
I feel like if we had any alcohol in the house, he'd be drinking right now, and I don't really like that.
"Bonnie can be harsh with her words sometimes. She scolded me a lot too..."
"No, she's... You know, she's my twin. She knows me better than anyone in this world, and when she says I suck, I truly believe it. The truth is, I... I haven't really been myself for a while. I know Selena gave me this job as a... way to make myself useful, to prove myself, but I haven't been up to the task lately. I've disappointed my Alpha, my sister, and myself. I just... don't really know what I want anymore."
So this isn't just... about me or Kelsi. I look down at Spark, who's shamelessly purring and making himself comfortable there.
"Then... what do you not want?"
He frowns and looks at me, a bit lost.
"What?"
"You said you don't know what you want. What do you not want, then? Let's start there."
Ben sighs, but he eventually nods, and goes back to staring at tonight's full moon.
