Page 56 of Bound By Thorns
“I thought I was doing the right thing!” He roared, his face twisting with remorse, with the blame–no, responsibility–that I had put on him.
“Bastian—”
He stiffened. This was the first time in almost twenty years he had heard me call him Bastian. He stepped closer to me, his face still seething and hurt, his fists clenched to the side.
I saw the shift in him. Hell, Ifeltit.
“I was a fucking kid too, Logan! We were all just kids!” His voice shook with exhaustion, and his eyes were unfocused. It was as if he was battling with himself.
“I know—”
“I was using too,” he suddenly confessed, the words tumbling out in a rush. “That night… we both overdosed. I woke up. Eli didn’t.” His voice was a hollow echo of his usual confidence.
I just stood there, stunned into silence.
“I didn’t tell you because I was ashamed.” He said plainly.
Then, without another word, he turned and walked out, leaving me alone with the echoes of my ragged breaths in the empty gym.
???
Apologies were due. Too many. Throughout all the cruel, sometimes kinder words I’d hurled at Kaylan, ‘sorry’ hadn’t been one of them. I hadn’t sought her forgiveness, mainly because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved it..
A week later, Kaylan no longer needed the wheelchair. I had lost an excuse to be close to her. Every night, I’d been wheeling her back to her room after dinner in silence, relishing that trivial task, that tiny role in her recovery.
She was walking now, she was steady and graceful. Her skin was healthy and smooth. She no longer had those dark smudgesshe carried from Ravenrock. I’d overheard her telling Delara that her sessions with Dr. Mendoza were helping.
During my recent session, I was told that I needed to apologize too. More for myself than her because guilt was eating me raw. So today, I planned to apologize. I just didn’t know how or what I would say.
Hovering outside her door, I felt a surge of nervous energy. My hands fidgeted; I cracked my knuckles compulsively. After wrestling with my thoughts for what felt like an eternity, I finally knocked.
I didn’t know what I was expecting, perhaps coldness, indifference, or disdain. I braced for it. In my head it was easier to apologize to someone who despised you. But then she opened her door, and my breath caught in my chest. She was so utterly breathtaking. She had just showered but her red-rimmed eyes told me of her recent tears.
I wanted to touch her, hold her, comfort her. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I had no right to.
When her lips wobbled, I nearly lost it. It felt as though she was hanging on by a thread. I was her nightmare, dammit. And I was here, in front of her.
It was silly, because whenever I wheeled her around, she never saw my face. I was behind her, so she didn’t have to face me. Face the hurt I had caused her.
But now I was breaking her.
When the tear broke free from her eyes, she quickly swiped it away from the back of her hand, while still blankly staring at me.
I knew what I had to do at that moment. Hell, I came here for that. I needed to ask for her forgiveness. No.
I needed to beg for it. It felt like I was too late, but I needed to do it. Not because Dr. Mendoza asked me to. Not for myself. But for her.
So, I did it. I dropped to my knees before her, my head bowed, feeling her startled intake of breath.
Good, a reaction other than hurt.
“Kaylan,” I began, my voice slow, “I’ve hurt you. I’ve said things to you that if ever said to me I’d be shattered. I have done things that are unforgivable. But you deserve to bring me to my knees. You deserve an apology.” I raised my eyes to hers, imploring her to see the sincerity. “I’m so, so sorry. But please Kaylan, please don’t forgive me because I will never be worthy of your forgiveness. I do realize that I was reckless with you, when all you’ve done is save me. You’re not my tormentor, baby. You’re my savior.”
For a fleeting moment, something like understanding crossed her face, but it was gone too quickly. She sighed deeply, took a step back, and quietly shut the door in my face.
TWENTY-THREE
Kaylan
