Page 47 of The Embrace of Evergreen
“I never meant to worry you like this. I just…I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do. It still feels like the world is spinning out of control, but maybe…if I hold onto you, if you let me hold onto you, I can find my footing again.”
“You can hold onto me forever, okay? We’ll get through this together.” He blows out a shaky exhale. “Just don’t let go, okay? Don’t disappear on me again. It was like you weren’t here. You were here, but you weren’t here. I couldn’t touch you or hold you or help you. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do, but I’m here. Just let me be here, okay?”
“Oh, Blue…” All I can do is nod and step closer and cling to him so he knows that I’ll never let go again.
I ignore the tears that find their way down my cheeks. They’re not worth noticing when Blue’s stormy eyes are right here in front of me, pulling me in and holding my attention and reminding me that nothing else could ever matter as much as counting the flecks of gold that swim through them.
His arms tighten around my ribs, and he hauls my body even closer to his, slotting his thigh between mine.
“Do you want to clean up a bit? You might feel better afterward, and then we can get some food together, maybe?” He sounds so hopeful. So tentative and scared, but so incredibly hopeful that I might do something as simple as eat a meal with him. Shame rushes through me at the way I’ve let myself go. At the way all of these people, my friends, my…family, have had to try to care for me over the past few weeks when I’ve refused to care for myself.
“Ya. I should clean up. I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what I look like right now. Give me a few, and I’ll…”
He shakes his head fiercely. “No. Let me come with you. Please.”
My heart stutters in my chest. Even now. Even after all I’ve put him through. Even knowing that although I’m functioning in this moment, I’m likely not going to be myself, not going to be the man he knows for a long time still, he wants to come with me. He wants me.
“Yes. Always.”
We walk to the bathroom hand in hand, and instead of turning on the shower, Blue starts the water in the huge clawfoot tub that I haven’t ever used. We strip slowly, helping each other remove stale, dirty clothes, one item at a time until there is nothing left between us. He’s thinner than he was the last time my fingers traced the tattoos on his skin, and I know that I am too. He lays towels from the linen cabinet on the floor next to the tub as I stand shivering, skin pebbled in the too-cold air. He turns off the water and offers me his hand. I clutch at it almost desperately as I step in and sink into the water. I refuse to let it go, even for a moment.
It takes some maneuvering filled with slick skin and quiet giggles as we try not to slip and break anything while we attempt to fold both of our large frames into the tub, but we finally settle with Blue sitting down firstwhile I straddle his lap. We face one another, and my legs curl around his hips, and it is warm and intimate and perfect. Our breath mingles, and our lips play in tender lingering kisses that say hello, and I’ve missed you, and please, please don’t ever let me go.
I relearn his skin. The sharp angles of his collarbone and the way his pulse is always visible in his neck. The black lines that cut through tan and the dusting of dark hair that floats slightly away from his thighs to tickle the tips of my fingers under the water. I stroke his cheeks and his ribs and his jaw, finding new freckles, new curves, new tiny, astonishing details that I’ve never taken in before.
My fingers trace a long scar that’s nearly hidden amongst the abstract paint strokes that cover his left ribs.
“How did you get this?” I mumble against the skin of his throat.
Blue sighs and pulls in a shuddering inhale that sounds as painful as it might if there were a boulder crushing his chest. I shift back, searching his eyes in confusion. When I asked, I expected a story about an accident in the shop or a bike crash as a kid. I didn’t expect him to sound like whatever is coming next, he has to brace himself for war.
“My last relationship…well, all my relationships, I guess…haven’t been great.”
I nod, not liking where this is going but allowing him the time and space he needs to continue.
“I’ve only had a handful of romantic relationships and only three serious boyfriends. Each time I’ve fallen in love, it’s happened so quickly that all I’ve seen is how gorgeous and enigmatic and mysterious they are. I never took the time to notice the red flags they were so brazenly flying. The first was just mean. He’d yell and lecture me when we fought. He’d tell me that I needed to try harder, to do better, and I was young, only eighteen I think, so I believed him when he said that all of our issues were my fault. I believed him until I didn’t anymore. The second was a lot of the same, and I’m sorry to say that I let him string me along for even longer than the first. The third was…” Blue’s eyes have gone hazy as he gazes over my shoulder, lost in memories he’d clearly rather forget. “Well…this isn’t the only scar he left during our time together.”
He shakes his head softly, and his eyes refocus as he stares into mine.
“I gave up on love when I ran from him six years ago. It’s why I’ve only had one-night stands for so long. Every time I’ve found myself in love, I’ve ended up hurt. And every time, the way I got hurt escalated.” He drops a lingering kiss against my shoulder. “I didn’t actually believe in love anymore until I met you.”
I shift back, tightening my legs around his hips, and water sloshes over the side of the tub. It doesn’tmatter; only Blue matters. I cup his face in my palms, his skin hot and slick with sweat and condensation from our time in the bath. “You could have told me. I hope you know that I don’t care about your past. Your relationships, your lovers…”
A laugh that is little more than a snort cuts me off. “I don’t think most deserve the termlovers.”
I lean forward to place a feather-light kiss on his nose. “Whatever they were. I don’t care. I only care about you and me.”
His stormy eyes are nearly black, pupils blown wide by the dim bathroom light and the low current of desire that’s simmering between us. It’s been slowly building since we stepped into the tub together, but his honesty and openness have once again brought me to my knees. He shares his heart and soul with me without hesitation, and I have never known anyone else who allows me to see them this way. It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever experienced.
“I know that. I would never deliberately hold something back from you. I just…I’ve tried so hard not to let those experiences define me. Until I met you, I honestly didn’t realize anything was missing in my life.”
I pepper kisses across the bridge of his nose and over his cheekbones and trail the tip of my tongue along his jaw and down his neck through the sweat that’s beading up on his shoulder.
“I want you.”
“You have me, Ethan. I promise you have me.” His words are warm against my skin and fire inside my soul as I lift my hips and slide my hand between us to cup his cock tightly.
“No. I want to feel you inside of me. Right now. Okay?”
