Page 46 of The Embrace of Evergreen
“Blue is worried about you. We all are, of course, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone fall apart quite the way he has.”
I scoff as Jayce settles in on the ground next to me.
“Ya, I know how much of a mess you are, but aside from the fact that he’s dragging his ass to work from time to time, he’s in just as bad of shape. Trust me, Ethan.” Jayce settles his hand on my knee. “I know all too well how you feel, but trying to work through grief on your own when you have someone who loves you as much as that man does doesn’t make a lot of sense. I barely knew Namid when Jordyn died, but he saved me anyway.”
Jayce snorts out a bark of laughter that sounds more pained than amused. “I was the same as you are now. I barely remembered to eat. Barely managed to force myself to get out of bed. The only reason I did was because Jordyn and I owned the shop together, and I couldn’t bring myself to let that fall apart. It would have been like losing the very last piece of him. Hell, I wasn’t even capable of picking up my own groceries for months. Namid once found me just standing in the grocery store staring at cheese. I think I’d been there twenty minutes or so, just staring at cheese, when he finally intervened. We’d never even met before. I mean, maybe at the shop once or twice or something, but not really. I was a stranger to him, but he sat me down with a cup of tea and shopped for me. His kindness pulled me back from the edge. You have so much more than that. Blue is already madly in love with you. He’d do anything for you; all you have to do is let him in.”
My eyes fall shut as I focus on the scent of fallen leaves that’s joined the normal mix of redwood and pine as they fill my lungs and hang heavy in the cold air. It’s the smell of cold and decay and hibernation. It’s the opposite of smoke and salt and apple. Jayce is doing the same thing Jordyn did for me when I lost Mom. He’s reminding me that love is stronger than loss, even if it doesn’t feel like it at times, and somehow, his kind words make it even harder to have him sitting by my side. They are so similar in so many ways, Jordyn and Jayce, and it’s hard to keep the past and the present separate with the same face, the same voice trying to help me pull myself back together.
He’s right, of course. Just like Jordyn was right all those years ago. I’ve been so lost in myself that I haven’t even noticed how much I must be hurting Blue as I push him away, as I run from him like I ran once before. I have a chance with him, a chance to build a home and a family, and if I keep pushing him away like I did with my dad, I’ll lose him too. I don’t know how to stop hurting. I don’t know how to ignore the grief that’s threatening to overtake everything else, but I know that I have to try. For the first time since I left home, I’m no longer lost and wandering and wondering what’s next. For the first time, I want to stay.
I've never wanted to stay in one place, not really. There has never been a reason for me to. I've been searching, though I've never really understood what for. I understand now. I've been searching for myself. For a place where I'm accepted and loved. For people whodon't judge the way I need routines and order and an obsessively clean home. For someone who cares enough to give me time. Someone willing to wait. Someone who never pressures me to be anything more or less than I am. I didn't know what I needed. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know I fell in love with whole people rather than beautiful faces and strong, sleek body parts. I didn't know I needed to laugh and cry and embarrass myself before I could fall in love.
Blue did.
He's spent months coaxing smiles from my lips and hard-won laughter from my lungs. He's dragged me to bars and movies and festivals. His friends have accepted me into their group and their homes and their lives. He’s pulled me out of grey and beige and showed me a world filled with vibrant, colorful joy. I’ve begun to wonder and dream and plan for a life I never thought I'd find. A life with friends and a family and a house by the shore with a man who loves me.
And now what? Now I'm sitting here alone, so lost in grieving a love I haven’t actually had for more than a decade that I’m risking losing one that’s right in front of me. I’m so broken by the idea of losing Jordyn that I might lose Blue.
No, I didn’t lose Jordyn. I ran from him. When he said he wouldn’t come out and build a life with me, I didn’t stay and fight for what I wanted. I didn’t fight for love. I ran. And now, I’m running again. Retreating intomyself to lick my wounds alone is just me running away again.
I've run away my entire life. I was the one who walked away instead of facing the heartbreak of Jordyn telling me we couldn't be together. I was the one who ran when my grief at the loss of Jordyn and my mom felt too heavy. I pushed my dad away. I wouldn't let him help me through my pain, and I didn't help him through his. I ignored his phone calls and didn’t return his Christmas cards. I chose to believe he was replacing me when he took Namid in, instead of recognizing that he was offering a different love to someone who needed it. I’ve chosen not to see that he’s continued to offer me his love no matter how hard I’ve pushed him away or how far I’ve run.
I've moved from job to job, city to city, year after year. I've run and run and run until I no longer really even existed. I was nothing but numbers on pages and empty beige apartments with no art on the walls and no life in the rooms.
When my world collapsed, Blue didn’t run. He's begged me to let him sit by my side so he can hold my hand as I cry over the loss of another man. He’s camped out on my couch and in my hallway. He’s whispered sweet nothings into the darkness and listened when I’ve asked for space. He’s stayed. He’s been steady and unwavering as we’ve weathered this storm. He’s still resolutely waiting for me on the other side.
I've spent my life surrounded by endless stretches of evergreen forests. They’re where I played as a child. Where I told Jordyn that I loved him and where we kissed the first time. The forest is where I opened up for the first time since I ran and told Blue about Jordyn and my parents. They’re where Blue and I now spend our weekends laughing and living in a bubble where only the two of us exist for a few hours a week. Moments in the woods have marked my highs and lows, my heartbreak, and my wonder. It seems fitting, somehow, that I find myself here, sitting in the mud surrounded by trees, next to a man who shares the face of my first love as he reminds me that love is limitless and that it’s waiting for me if I have the strength to hold on to it.
No love is the same as any other. Each person, parent, or lover, each sibling or pet or friend that we choose to take into our hearts, they don’t replace existing loves. Instead, they carve out their own space. Our hearts expand to create a new love that's unique to them. The way I loved Jordyn - the way I love him still - it's not the same as the way I love Blue. The way I love Jordyn is filled with gentle exploration and the nervous rush that always comes with first love. I’ll always have that. He'll always hold that place in my heart.
The way I love Blue is intense and vibrant and comfortable. It's the love of a man who has known loss and loneliness and found his way to the other side. It’s like coming home. Blue’s kindness and patience and the way he expected nothing from me in exchange, the way he offered me friendship and family and love allowed meto find myself again. Jordyn will always own a piece of my heart, but Blue, Blue owns my soul.
Chapter 18
Ethan
Blue and Namid are sitting together on my tiny couch when Jayce and I walk through the door, and Blue bolts to his feet the moment he sees me. It’s hard to look at him because I know that a few hours in the woods haven’t magically fixed me, and I’m still not okay. I don’t know how long I’ll have to try to survive with the unrelenting weight of Jordyn’s loss pulling me down. I don’t know how long I’ll mourn for what used to be or what once could have been. But looking at Blue now, I don’t know how I have been so selfish. His eyes are red and bloodshot, and the fragile skin under them is a deep bluish-purple. His face is unshaven, and his hair is a tousled mess. It looks like he’s been running his fingers through it over and over, and it’s no longer sure how it’s supposed to fall on its own. His roots have grown out further than I’ve ever seen them, and the stubble covering his jaw is dark, nearly black. I don’t think I ever realized just how dark his hair is since he’s always clean-shaven and his turquoise is refreshed regularly. He’s in dark jeans and a stained white T-shirt that has seen better days, and something that looks like a large, waterproof bandage is wrapped around two of his fingers. Is he hurt? He’s hurt, and I didn’t even know. Jesus Christ, how could I have been so caught up in myself that I didn’t know he’s hurt?
I know I must look the same, but he didn’t lose Jordyn. I did. The only reason for him to look like this is because he felt like he was losing me, and everything in me is screaming that I need to prove to him that he’s not. I don’t know how I managed to find someone who cares so much about me, but I can’t keep letting him hurt like this because of it.
“Hey.” His voice is rough and quiet, and it’s hoarse from disuse or crying or swallowing glass. He doesn’t sound like my Blue.
“Hi.”
We stare. We stand unmoving and stare at one another like we’re waiting for the world to reset and start spinning for us once more. Then he’s in my arms. He’s clinging to me and our cheeks are wet and scratchy where they’re pressed together, and I never want to be anywhere other than right here in his arms for the rest of my life.
I cup his jaw in my hands and search his face and tuck his hair back behind his ear, and our lips meet forthe first time in so, so long. We kiss and kiss and kiss, and it’s lips and tongues and fingertips searching and grasping tenderly. It’s hearts and souls and bodies clinging to what might have slipped away if I’d run from him for much longer.
A breathy laugh, heavy with relief and hope slips from him when our lips finally part, and our foreheads come to rest together so we can share heartbeats and oxygen; so we can remember what it’s like to be whole. I scratch my nails along the scruff of his cheek with a raised eyebrow, and he winces.
“Sorry. I haven’t been up to worrying about shaving lately.”
I shake my head and slide my hand to the back of his neck to tangle my fingers in his hair. “Don’t be sorry. For any of this. For anything. This was my fault. Is my fault.”
“Ethan.” His lips brush mine gently once more. “There is no fault here.”
I know that he’s being kind, but he’s wrong. I should never have run from the way he loves me. I should never have pushed him away.
