JJ loves Cass. Heloveshim.
He’s in love with Cassius Chin. Part of him has known that for weeks, obviously—he doesn’t think this morning ever would’ve happened otherwise—but the full reality of it didn’t hit him until now.
Because love isn’t a fleeting emotion or a passive state of being. It’s achoice.It’s a series of decisions that JJ makes every day, subtly restructuring his thoughts and his actions, gradually transforming him into the best version of himself.
Not to prove himself to Cass or to make Cass love him back, but just because his feelings for Cass make him want to be better.
And that doesn’t make his love for his friends any less profound, but itdoeschange the math a bit. Because JJ didn’t agree to this mission because he loves his friends, not really.
He agreed to it because falling into his old role of Strike Team Kappa’s self-sacrificial protector was the path of least resistance. Because, up until recently, he didn’t know how to be anyone else.
Didn’t know how to be anyone except who the Sanctum turned him into.
But Cass wants someone who’ll live for him, not someone who’ll die for him. So does Desi. JJ has to imagine that Roma, Bryant, and Chester feel the same way.
You can always start over.
And JJ might not have centuries to remake himself, but maybe he can start right now. “I’m sorry,” he blurts out. “Cass was right. This is a bad idea. If anything happens to me, it’s going to wreck him and Desi. And I’m—” He shakes his head, laughing awkwardly. “I wouldn’t be very useful in a fight, anyway. The Sanctum stripped away my enchantments, and my combat skills are rusty. I’d be more of a liability than anything else.”
Roma’s eyes widen. “What? No. JJ?—”
“I don’t want you to go in alone, of course,” JJ adds, and he fumbles out his phone, tapping into Roma’s contact. “I’ll call you right now, and you can mute my side of the line. Cass and I will listen in, and if anything goes wrong, we’ll rift over and get you out of there, and?—”
“JJ.”Roma steps forward, her eyes blazing. “JJ, I don’t care if you’re not the fighter you used to be, okay? We’re still a team. We’re still Strike Team Kappa, and we can—we can fix this, okay? We’ll all be back together, and everything will be like it used to be, and?—”
We can fix this?A shiver of trepidation snakes down JJ’s spine. “We wouldn’t be ‘fixing’ anything, Roma. We’d be starting over on the outside. It wouldn’t beanythinglike it used to be. Yes, we’d be together, but we wouldn’t be Kappa anymore. We’d be civilians.”
Something indecipherable flashes across Roma’s face. “Yeah. That’s what I meant. We’ll be together, and?—”
“Whatexactlyis the Council doing that has Bryant so worried?” JJ cuts in. There’s a sudden roaring in his ears, his instincts firing in an all-too-familiar pattern. “Because if they’re making a purebred doubt herself, then Cass was right. They’d tail her. Honestly, I’m shocked they’re letting her leave the grounds at all. And why wouldBryantreach out beforeChester?”
Roma’s jaw works. “JJ.”
All at once, the pieces snap together. JJ takes a sharp step away, horror flooding through him. “You never left,” he says numbly. “You never left the Sanctum, did you? You—you’ve been under orders all this time. How?—?”
Roma’s posture shifts. Instead of the casual, relaxed,civilianstance she’s had for the past few weeks, her shoulders are suddenly pulled back and her head is held high and?—
And that’s a hunter’s posture. JJ’s stomach plummets.
“Look,” she says, holding up her hands like she’s talking down a scared animal, “I’m trying to fix things.We’retrying to fix things, me and Bryant and Chester. That demon clearly used the kid to get into your head, but JJ?—”
“‘That demon’ has aname,Gutierrez,” JJ snarls, anger boiling through him. “And Desi isn’t a weapon. They didn’t doanythingexcept show me unconditional love for the first time in twelve years.”
Roma jerks back like he slapped her. “JJ,welove you! Bryant and I love you,Chesterloves you?—”
“No. No, you don’t,” JJ says. His heart feels raw. “Apparently, you don’t even know me well enough to see when I’mhappy.I was suffocating back at the Sanctum, and I felt the Council’s disapproval bearing down on me every singleday, and—and you and Bryant never did a damn thing to stop it. You didn’t even notice it.”
Roma’s face shuts down. “I always noticed it, JJ. Mixed breed, remember?”
“That’s even worse.”JJ’s hands are trembling. “Because you never tried to help me. You never eventalkedto me about it. All I wanted was to know that I wasn’t alone. And Chester?—”
You really think the Sanctum did it on purpose?
I wouldn’t put it past them.
“Chester is the only one who really understood what I was going through,” JJ says, “and the Sanctum made sure to take him away from me as soon as they could. But they’re not going to take this away from me, Roma. They’re not going to take Cass and Desi away from me, and?—”
Abruptly, his blood runs cold.
