Do I deserve to live my life the way that I always wanted?
Do I deserve the love of a good man rather than a violent, controlling one?
Should I be focusing on myself rather than delving into another relationship?
“Lucy, there is no right or wrong here,” Ava says, breaking me from the thoughts that plague me constantly. “Only you can decide if you are ready for something new.”
“But I’m not supposed to want something new this quickly, am I?” God, I sound like a broken record.
“Your heart and mind know the answer to that question, I can’t tell you what you want to hear because it has to come from within. But I will say this… Cal has been a massive part of your life since you were kids, you haven’t just met. You know each other, and I mean really know each other. The question here isn’t should you move on, or should you be allowed to be happy. It’s more about what feels right for you, no one else, just you.
“Put yourself first, Lucy. Discover you, and what you want out of life.”
Put myself first.
Do what I want to do.
It’s a hard thing to grasp when I’ve spent years trying to please others, and that includes when I was with Tom.
“And what about Michael?” I ask, hating that I am even voicing that question, but this is my safe space and I feel no judgement within these walls.
“What about him?” Ava asks.
“Shouldn’t I have visited him? Shouldn’t I want to be there to make sure that he is recovering?”
“That depends on whether you want to,” Ava says, and I scoff.
“Wow, great advice, Ava,” I say sarcastically, my frustration from my unanswered questions showing.
“I’m not here to tell you what to do, I’m here to help you get the answers that you seek,” Ava replies, confusing me even more.
“But what if I don’t have the answers to those questions? What if I never have the answers?” I say with a sigh.
“You will get those answers when you’re ready to hear them.”
When I’m ready.
Shit, what if that point never comes?
“I love Cal so much, Ava, and I don’t want to do anything to ruin what is happening between us.”
“You won’t ruin anything if he loves you, Lucy. That’s the thing about relationships; they’re a two-way street, they’re not one-sided. And if he doesn’t accept all that you are, then he’s not the right man for you,” Ava says, and I digest her words.
Cal does accept me.
I already know that he does, no matter what I’ve been through or what I’m feeling.
“He is right for me,” I say defiantly.
“Well then, I guess you have your answer,” she says with a small smile.
I have my answer?
How?
I think back over what I have shared in this room.
My love, my guilt, my indecision over a man that put me through hell.
