Page 8 of Loss
“I get it. But, I’ll be talking to Slim about this. I don’t want to be limited,” I tell her, getting out of the car and walking toward the school without a backward glance.
True to their word, the entire club showed up. Even Vault is here. They all sit in the bleachers right behind the cheerleaders. I can feel more than just Vault’s eyes on me throughout the entire game. The only relief I felt was when we were in the middle of the field for our half-time routine. We were far enough away I didn’t mind the prying eyes from the club being on me. Most of the members and ol’ ladies have already been to a game. Tonight is honestly the first time they’ve all shown up at the same time for me and I’m not sure if I like it or not.
As soon as we’re back at the fence, Shy, Slim, and a few others are standing there waiting for me. I grab my water bottle and take several gulps while making my way over to them. Shy wraps me in her arms and tells me how good I’m doing while Slim stands next to us. He doesn’t let anyone else get too close to me and I have a feeling it’s because Shy told him what happened with Vault in the kitchen of the clubhouse earlier. If he knows, there’s no chance in hell he’ll let anyone close to me for a long time.
“Annabell, you’re good. Better than I thought with all the yellin’, jumpin’, and other shit you gotta do out here,” Slim admits, a smile on his face as he looks at me.
“Hey, Annabell,” Hunter says, walking up to the fence with two trays in his hands.
He’s got several drinks on one tray and food on the other tray. Always doing work for the club as a Prospect. But, honestly, most of that food could be for one person. If it’s one of the guys, then I can definitely see most of that being for one of them and only one. The ol’ ladies tend to snack more than anything else so that food could be all for them and no one else.
“Hey, Hunter. Hard at work?” I ask, a smile on my face as my skin starts to cool down from the halftime routine I just got done doing.
“Always,” he replies with a smile of his own and I look a little longer at him.
Before anyone can say a word, Vault is calling out for Hunter to bring his stuff to him. Yeah, he’s trying to cockblock the Prospect at a damn football game. What I do and who I talk to are none of his business. He can kiss my ass as far as I’m concerned. If I want to spend my entire break talking to Hunter, then that’s what I’ll do. Vault no longer gets to have a say in anything regarding me. I’m done with his bullshit and over the games he wants to play these days. I deserve so much better than anything he has to offer me. Even in the form of friendship.
“Shy, where are the girls?” I ask, noticing they’re not here with them.
“At the clubhouse with the house bunnies. Since there’s no guys there, Slim told them to watch the girls so we could have tonight. It’s our date night,” she answers, cuddling up to her husband with a large smile on her face.
“And you’re at a football game? That’s not a date night,” I respond on a laugh, looking between my parents.
Shy goes to respond, but my coach is calling for us to get back in formation as the football teams begin to make their way back onto the field. I offer up a smile, set my water bottle down, and get back to focusing on the game. Not on the man who’s occupied my thoughts for so long. Or the Prospect who is beginning to occupy my mind. One deserves to have my attention and the other one lost any right he ever had to my life, secrets, and anything else involving me.
We end up winning the game. It was a good night full of laughter, excitement, and doing something I never thought I’d do again. The only dark spot is going home. Shy rode here on the back of Slim’s bike and now I have to figure out how I’m getting home. Usually, I’d be on the back of Vault’s bike, but I don’t want to ride with him. I’ll never ride with him again. I’m not saying I won’t ever be on the back of a bike again, but it sure as hell won’t be Vault’s. Something else I’m sure he feels that he has the right to make a decision about.
The choice is taken out of my hands when Slim leads me to one of the SUVs the club has. Getting in the passenger seat, I can’t say that I hate this particular decision being taken out of my hands. Hunter is driving and takes me home following all the bikes to the clubhouse. We don’t talk or anything on the way home from the school, but it’s nice to ride with him as he drives safely. I’m sure it’s only because I’m in the SUV with him and this isn’t how he drives on a regular basis.
Once Hunter safely delivers me home, I head straight to bed after washing the make-up off my face and changing into my shorts and tank top. It’s been a long few days and I’m exhausted. It’s not exactly easy to sleep when my mind is consumed with an impossible choice that I need to make regarding Vault and how we move forward. I will never give up on Vault, but I know deep in my heart that it’s time to let him go. He’s not the same man I’ve been sharing everything with and I know more than most how much a person’s death can change you. Especially when you love that person more than anything else. My thoughts are mixed up with Hunter and Vault as I drift to sleep. When I finally let sleep claim me, Vault’s face is the last I see.
Chapter Five
Vault
EVERY SINGLE DAY I seem to spiral farther down the rabbit hole. I don’t care about anything or anyone and all I do is drink from the time I wake up until I eventually pass out again. My actions are reckless and deep in my mind I know this. If I don’t end up killing myself, I’m going to hurt someone else every single time I climb on my bike lately. Now, it’s gotten to the point that Slim pulled me aside after hearing I tore into Annabell when I was drunk before her game and grounded me. I’m not to leave the clubhouse until further notice. He did nothing but piss me off. Since I’m not allowed to leave, I’ve been drinking even more than normal for me lately. It’s the only thing I can do to forget the hell my life has become.
No one wants anything to do with me, except for the house bunnies. I should be upset I’m pushing everyone away, but I don’t care. I’m over the shit and I just want to leave here. I want to be away from Valor, the guys in the club who knew my dad, and the numerous reminders of the man I miss more than anything. My heart breaks every second I’m awake and sober with the knowledge he’s not on a run or just off somewhere. He’s never coming back and I need to get over it. At least, that’s what everyone keeps telling me. I’m told every day that it’s okay to mourn my dad but I need to make healthy decisions when it comes to doing that. Apparently being drunk isn’t a healthy way to cope with my loss.
Well, I hate to break it to them, but there’s no limit for grieving. I’ll take as long as I fucking need to and I’ll do it in the way I choose. No one has any right to tell me how to get over the loss of my father. They may have known the brother who was in the club, but he’s my dad and they’ll never know the memories Valor and I have with him. Of the men he wanted us to be because of the way he raised us. They wouldn't have gotten to see the side of him my brother and I did when we were away from the club or the members. My dad had a huge heart and we got to see that on a daily basis. Not everyone was lucky enough to see that side of him.
No, I’m not a man who’s making my dad very proud right now. If he’s watching over me, I’m sure he wants to come back and kick my ass for the way I’m acting and treating everyone. Especially Annabell. My dad always had a soft spot for her and would do anything she needed just because it was her. But he’s not here and can’t come back so I have nothing to worry about. I’m going to keep doing me until I can’t anymore. Until I hit rock bottom and need to do something to pull my ass back up. Eventually I’ll get to that point. I’m just not sure if I’ll still be in the Phantom Bastards or not when it happens. At this point, I really don’t care if I get kicked out or not either.
Walking into the common room, I grab a bottle of Jack and walk back toward my room. I don’t want to sit where anyone can see me or run into the house bunnies. I’ve already kicked one out of my room and I’m not about to have a turn with anymore. With every single woman I bring into my room, guilt, remorse, and hate fill me. I shouldn’t be doing this shit to Annabell. It’s not right. But, I can’t seem to stop myself because for a brief moment in time, I get to forget all about my dad and the fact that he’s gone. I don’t give a fuck if the house bunny I’m with gets off or not. I’m out for my pleasure and the need to distract myself from the pain filling me. If they don’t get off, there’s someone else here who will make sure they do.
It’s also not like Annabell could give a fuck about what I do or who I’m with these days. I’ve seen the way she looks at our newest Prospect, Hunter. She looks at him the way she used to look at me—like he hung the moon and stars just for her and she’s only waiting to be old enough for him. Annabell will be eighteen soon and that’s all I was waiting for. Everyone knew I was waiting for her birthday in order to make her mine. It wasn’t a matter of if it would happen between us, it was when it would happen. Now, she wants nothing to do with me and I don’t blame her one bit.
Cracking the top of the bottle, I toss it somewhere in my disaster area of a room and take a long pull from the bottle. I let the alcohol burn its way to my stomach and warm me from the inside out. Since losing my dad and pushing Annabell away, I haven’t felt warm at all. It feels as if I’m constantly freezing and there’s nothing I can do to get warm again. Hot showers don’t help. Piling as many blankets as I can on my bed does nothing to push the deep cold feeling away. It feels as if I’ve been outside for countless hours in the middle of a snowstorm without any clothing on. The coldness, and a certain darkness, have filled me and continue to get worse on a daily basis. The only thing that even starts to make me feel something other than anger and regret is Jack, my new best friend.
Thoughts of Annabell fill my head as I turn on the music and continue to drink. Let You Go by Machine Gun Kelly blares in my room. I picture Annabell when we first saw her with those assholes and how she meekly climbed in the van. Of her wearing my long as fuck sweatshirt and talking to Slim like she wasn’t scared out of her mind, like she wasn’t trading one hell for another. Then my thoughts turn to Annabell sitting on the porch of Slim and Shy’s house the day I kissed her. The sun was shining from behind her and making her look like an Angel on Earth. Blonde highlights were brought out in her hair and her face looked so serious as she told me she’d never kissed anyone.
The only thing I could think of was being her first kiss—her first everything. I brought her face to mine and kissed her the way a man kisses someone he’s in love with. As I did it, I knew there was no going back and I shouldn’t be doing it, but I couldn’t stop myself. Her lips are the softest I’ve ever felt against mine and she tastes of cherry candy and something unique that’s all her. I had to force myself to go slow and not overwhelm her. To pull away from her instead of pulling her body under me and showing her exactly how much I love her and want to give her everything she wants.
Now, I’m not there when Annabell needs me. Shy and Slim adopted her and I was the only one who wasn’t there for them. I didn’t want to see Bell getting one more thing that she deserves when everything is being ripped from my grasp. Yes, I know it’s my own doing, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I wanted to be there for her but I know deep in my heart that she didn’t want me around. Besides, she had the club, Slim, Shy, and Valor there for her. My brother has stepped up and become someone she can depend on. He’s taken my place once again. Valor doesn’t mean to take things away from me, but it just kind of happens since he’s a better man than I am.
Before I know it, the bottle of Jack I brought in with me is gone. I toss it on the floor and make my way back to the common room. I’m stumbling about and I know I don’t need another bottle considering it’s still early in the day. Hell, it’s early enough all the men are at work and most of the house bunnies are still recovering from the night before. I pull another bottle from the shelf and sit on one of the couches in the common room. No one’s here to bother me anymore so I should have some peace.
As I start drinking the second bottle, one of the house bunnies comes out and sits down next to me. I’m seeing two of her and don’t know which one is sitting with me now. She sits as close as possible to me and I can smell the overwhelming perfume she’s sprayed all over her body. Even though I’m drunk, it doesn’t stop me from taking in the make-up that’s caked on her face and seeing her clothes practically falling off of her small body. This woman is everything that Annabell isn’t and it’s not a good thing. She’s jaded, forward, desperate, and a slut. She spreads her legs for anyone here and doesn’t give a fuck who it is.
