Page 11 of Loss
After I get them settled down and read them a story, I clean up the house and make sure the girls are asleep before grabbing the baby monitor to take outside with me. Hunter is sitting on the steps of the porch as I make my way to the swing I always sit on. He watches me and I’m not sure what the look in his eyes is as I sit down and start to gently sway in the night breeze. It would help if I had any experience with guys, but I have zero. The only guy I’ve ever really been around is he who shall not be named. It was easy to read him because he didn’t hide his emotions from me. But that doesn’t mean the looks he gave me mean the same thing for Hunter.
The music from the clubhouse seems to be even louder now and I can hear the laughter and squeals of delight as the men and women cut loose and enjoy their time together. It’s something I used to envision for myself and now I’ll never be anything more than an intruder looking in from the edges of this life. Slim and Shy might be my parents, but I’ll never have what they have with a man of the club like I once thought I would. Maybe I should just do what Slim wants and find a man while I’m at college like I’ve been thinking about doing. I mean, honestly my plan was just to kind of let things happen if they did and if I met someone, I wouldn’t turn them down. But, I wasn’t going to truly let myself be with them either because I always planned to be with a member of the club. Things to think about and debate later.
“You okay over there?” Hunter asks, worry filling his face.
“Yeah, just thinking,” I tell him, giving him a small smile.
“About what?” he questions, wanting to get to know me more than the small talks we’ve already had.
“About how I used to be at the clubhouse and how I loved hanging out with everyone. Now, I’ll only ever see the guys if they come over here or they come to one of my games. It sucks, but I’m not going to have Vault taken away from his family because I can’t get a handle on my feelings for him yet,” I answer honestly knowing Hunter won’t judge me for what I feel or think.
“I see. Well, you know he’s miserable. Before I left tonight, he was sittin’ alone and not even drinkin’. I haven’t seen him pick a bottle or drink up in days. Not since the last time you were at the clubhouse, if I’m bein’ honest,” Hunter tells me, his words sinking in deep and giving me hope that he’ll be okay after all.
“I’m happy for him. Maybe he’ll start to get better now. I’m still not going over there. I know the house bunnies whisper about how pathetic I am behind my back and I’m not going to have Slim yelling at them over trivial shit. I’m fine staying over here. It’s not much longer,” I tell him. “Besides, the company isn’t so bad over here.”
Hunter smiles at me but doesn’t leave his spot on the steps. It’s almost like he’s afraid to sit next to me on the swing. I’m not sure if it’s because of Slim’s warning or if he just doesn’t like me that way. Either way, I’ll enjoy his company until I head back inside. It’s been a while since I’ve had someone other than Slim and Shy to talk to. Or Valor when he can spare a few minutes for a driving lesson or stops by to talk for a few minutes. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him though. The last time I truly had someone to sit out here with was when Vault was over here, before he started pushing me away from him.
After a while, I head inside and to bed. I’ve got to study tomorrow for two tests while Shy has the girls. I’ll probably end up watching them tomorrow night for them and I want to be done with what I have to do before then. Climbing into bed after changing into a pair of shorts and a tank top, I fall asleep to thoughts of Vault finally starting to get better. My thoughts drift from Vault, to Hunter, and then to the guy from school. I’ve got to make a decision one way or another and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a while.
Chapter Seven
Vault
SLIM HAS LIFTED my ban from leaving the clubhouse since I stopped drinking. So, I’ve been taking every run the club has and been gone as much as possible. Annabell is never far from my mind. It doesn’t matter where I am, she consumes me. She’s always consumed me, but it’s worse now that everything isn’t dull from the alcohol flowing through my veins in a never-ending cycle. For the first time since my dad’s funeral I’m clear headed and thinking through every decision I make with him in mind.
I can’t believe I fucked up the way I did. Even drunk as hell, I’ve never fucked a house bunny in the common room because I didn’t want Annabell to see that. No matter what’s going on with us, I never want to hurt her and I have. I’ve hurt her deeper than I ever thought I could all because I’ve been a selfish prick and there’s no excuse for that shit. I’ve done more damage to that girl in a few months than a group of men did in hours one night. And that’s the night she lost her entire family. There’s no coming back from this for me because the pain I’ve caused is too vast.
Annabell can say what she wants, but I know how much pain she’s in. She hasn’t come back to the clubhouse since finding me asleep on the couch with a bitch draped over me. The only person other than Slim and Shy she sees is Hunter. He gives me dirty ass looks every time he sees me. I’d call him on his shit since he’s only a Prospect, but I don’t. He has every right to be pissed at me for my treatment of Annabell. She’s a truly remarkable girl and he sees what I’ve always seen in her. That’s why he’s drawn to her as much as I am. The only difference is he didn’t fuck everything up with her.
It’s not surprising to me that Hunter likes my Bell. She pulls everyone toward her and doesn’t let go. Everyone falls in love with her because she’s so sweet and caring toward everyone in her life. I had all that until I fucked it all up. Now, if Annabell even sees me, she turns and heads in the opposite direction. So, I’ve been trying to stay away from the girl who owns me. I barely interact with the members of the club and when I do, it breaks my heart because I know Annabell won’t be at the clubhouse and that hurts. She deserves to have free rein of the compound and lately she’s only been at the house.
When the club goes to her games, I pretend to stay at the clubhouse, but I’m there each and every game, watching her do her thing and loving the way she moves. I hide under the bleachers so I can move depending on where she’s standing. No one has caught me doing this yet, and I don’t want anyone to know. Just before the game ends, I head back to the clubhouse and straight to my room. I’ll always be there to support Annabell even if she can’t see that I’m there. She deserves the support of those who love her and even if she wants nothing to do with me, I can’t force myself to stay away from her.
Today, I’m leaving on another run. I want to go to Annabell and talk to her before heading out with the guys, but I force myself to stay at the clubhouse. One of the house bunnies is trying to get me to fuck her and I simply ignore her as I sit at a table alone nursing a bottle of water. I’m not in the mood for anyone’s shit. I just want to get on the road and leave the clubhouse for a while. None of the house bunnies have gotten the hint that I’m not going to fuck them again. They continue to push up on me and I’m ready to snap, but I hold myself back and just walk away from them.
Valor has told me Annabell still won’t come over here when I’m on a run and that’s not what I want. I overheard Valor and Hunter talking the day after the cookout and Hunter told my brother Bell misses the guys here. So, I figured if I’m gone, she can come back over and be with everyone. Instead, she still stays away. I also know she’s leaving early for college. I’m so damn proud of her and I want to tell her but I don’t want to push her any more than I already have. The only reason I even know she’s leaving early is because I overheard Slim talking about it with Killer. He’s upset that she’s not going to stay around for a few months and head to the summer semester, but he doesn’t blame her for leaving either. He wants her to leave and start her life away from the club and everyone here.
“You ready to head out, Vault?” Killer asks, walking up to me with a bag over his shoulder.
“Yep. Bag’s already in the van and I’m just waitin’ on the rest of you,” I answer, not having an ounce of attitude or anything else in my voice like I would have a few days ago.
“How long you been waitin’ out here?” he asks, concern filling him as normal when it comes to me.
“A while. Just been waitin’ to get on the road,” I tell him, looking around as I stand from my seat and stretch out my tired, aching body.
Killer nods his head and makes his way outside. I follow him after tossing my bottled water in the recycling bin. Instead of telling my brother goodbye, I just head straight outside to my bike. Hunter is going on this run and I want to talk to him about Annabell, but I know it’s not the time to talk to him. He needs his head in the game just like I do. I’ll find time to talk to him eventually, but now we need to focus and that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s not easy, but I’ll do what I have to in order to keep everyone around me safe and coming home without something happening.
Just before we pull out, Valor runs out of the clubhouse and straight toward me. We’ve barely talked since getting into a fight at dad’s house.
“Just want to let you know I’m goin’ through Dad’s things. I have given you time to get your head out of your ass and you still haven’t. Now, I’m done waitin’,” Valor tells me, anger and pain filling his voice as he looks me over like he used to before I pushed him away.
“No, you’re not. We’ll do it together when I get back. I’m done with the bullshit. I’m still not ready to do it, but we have to. I’ll be back in a few days and we can get to work,” I tell my brother, pleading with him to give me these last few days before we rip ourselves open once again.
“Fine. But if you decide to change your mind while you’re gone, just know I’m doin’ it with or without you. It’s time,” he says, turning on his heel and going back inside.
I shake my head and start my bike while the rest of the guys heading out with me get on theirs. This is not what I needed right before leaving on a run, but I know why Valor did it. He doesn’t want to keep going the way we’ve been going. I don’t speak to him. The last time we were together we got into a fight, and now I’m finally pulling myself from the bottom of a bottle. Neither one of us know how to breach the space I’ve put between us. We’ve never been like this before and now that I’m finally not drunk as fuck and pushing everyone away, there’s a distance I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to cross and start fixing our relationship. Valor and I have gone from best friends and brothers to nothing more than two people who pass one another occasionally. It fucking sucks!
Valor knows I’ll be sober heading out on a run. While he doesn’t know what’s been going on at the clubhouse because I’ve been avoiding him if I’m being honest with myself. I don’t want anyone to see me this way, but especially not my brother. He’s been there since the day we were born and I’ve been treating him like shit. Just like everyone else in the club. Being sober has forced me to examine everything I’ve done lately and I fucking hate myself. I’ve been cruel and a complete asshole because I couldn’t deal with my dad’s death. I’ve got so many relationships to fix and no clue how to begin doing that.
