Page 18 of Trash Talk
Chapter 11
Ruby- 21 years old
I’ve made a huge mistake. It takes a lot for me to admit it, but I miss Knox. Like a piece of me is missing. The first time around not talking to him was bad enough, but at least I had my anger to fuel my resolve. Now I only have sadness. And the knowledge that this is all my fault, is killing me. Both times were my fault. The first because I didn’t trust him and didn’t listen. This time because I was scared. I was scared he’d eventually push me away. Eventually, he’d leave. Like everyone does.
I get it; I’m a lot. I may be small, but my personality isn’t, and it isn’t for everyone. The only people I haven’t managed to drive away are my siblings and my girls. And even though I know my mom loves me, I’m even too much for her some-times. “Ruby Athena, ladies don’t use that kind of language. Ladies aren’t so competitive. Ladies don’t wear gym clothes everywhere. Nice boys don’t care for afthádis korítsia. At least you can take care of yourself once you have a degree, but I’d rather you bring home a nice Greek boy. I’m beginning to think Marybeth is the only one that will give me engonia.” And I’d be okay with that (I’m way too young to have kids, anyway). She guilt trips like no one else I know; it’s like an Olympic sport for Greeks (yes, I see the irony there). I know she means well, but I’m afraid I’ll never meet her expectations. I let her down. I let a lot of people down.
That week I thought and over thought. What would a relationship with Knox be like? Our sex life would be amazeballs. He’d help me practice. Be supportive. Make me laugh. He’d always be there when I needed him. Until he wasn’t. And when we were over, I’d be devastated. I kept thinking about how Graham was pushing Em away. He loved her, but he didn’t want her anymore. Anything can happen at any time and change everything. People who once loved you, don’t anymore. Like my dad. We were so freaking close when I was young. We had so much love for each other, and now I’m barely even an obligation to him. We never see each other. Never talk. Well, that’s not true; we talked that week. He called to tell me he wouldn’t be able to make it to any of my games this season. And he was sorry, but he needed to focus on Claudine and the kids (like I wasn’t one of his anymore). We haven’t spoken since. Shit happens and people you love let you down. They leave. And you’re never ready for it.
Knox and I were moving too fast. My emotions couldn’t keep up. I did what I thought was for the best. Yes, I see the irony there too— I did exactly what I accused him of. I said things I knew would hurt him, but I was trying to be honest. I needed to get my head right. Maybe get some space so I could figure everything out. Set some ground rules before things got out of hand. I felt powerless, and I’m kind of a control freak. What I feel for Knox is too big, too consuming. If I let him, he could rule everything. I’d be powerless for life. I needed to slow things down, so I didn’t completely lose myself, but I never dreamed he’d react the way he did. Knox’s always been so easygoing, so understanding, so patient. I’ve never seen him cry. And he’s never yelled at me.
I didn’t talk my decision through with anyone. Poppy and HK are out of the loop and I didn’t want to bother Em with everything she has going on. I didn’t want to worry her with my relationship problems right now. Kara’s been so far up her boyfriend’s ass, she wasn’t available for a chat. She gets like that when she dates guys. Forgets that she has friends, then when they break up, she comes running back to us. (And we always take her back, because that’s what girls should do— support each other). I didn’t talk to my family either, none of them knew about us. And if I’d told them we were together right before I broke things off, I think it would’ve broken their hearts a little bit too (mom’s always loved Knox, ever since he helped us move in— such a sweet boy).
The only other friend I had to talk to was Knox, and you know how well that turned out. He left our conversation thinking that I didn’t care for him. That I didn’t love him. Which simply isn’t true. I’m in love with him. But I can’t say those words now. Hell, I couldn’t say them then. They just got lodged somewhere in my throat and refused to come out. I’ve literally only given a handful of people those words, and I’ve never said them to a boyfriend.
I’ve texted him a few times; he’s not responded. He didn’t pick up when I drunk dialed him either. Thankfully, Kara pulled her face away from her boyfriend’s long enough to end the call before I could leave an overly sappy message. I should leave it up to him to contact me, but I can’t. Every time I see something funny on tv, I want to call him. When we lost our last game of the season, I wanted to call. When Em decided to nurse her broken heart in California (she took an internship out there for the next 6 months after Graham broke things off), I wanted to call. Every time I wake up hot and bothered after dreaming of us, I want to fucking call. But I fucked everything up. And I can’t even apologize. Now I know how Knox felt when I froze him out. Terrible. Hopeless. Guilty. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.
I’m only going to be home for a couple weeks. I have to spend the next two months analyzing poetry in summer school. Oh, joy. I thought I’d run into Knox coming or going, but he hasn’t been home once (I have no idea where he's sleeping). He’s always at the bar helping Gramps. Apparently, that’s where he’s been every summer for the past three years. It’s why I was so successful at avoiding him the first two. He’s training to take over when Gramps decides to retire. Which I doubt will be any time soon. Well, he can’t avoid me forever. I couldn’t go in the bar before because I was underage. But I can now. He’ll have to let me talk to him. I call Poppy and let her know we’re going out tonight. I need backup. Unfortunately, HK can’t come with us. She’s a full year younger, and her fake ID will not work in Willow Creek. Sometimes small-town life really sucks.
Poppy meets me outside of Depot at 9:00, wearing a flowy aqua-colored tank, that makes her eyes look extra blueish-green, black shorts and matching wedges. Her long auburn hair is curled, and her makeup is perfection. I should’ve let her come over and dress me. I have on a tight black V-neck, dark skinny jeans, and chucks. My hair is down and it’s not too wild; I also put on mascara and lip gloss. This is as good as it gets.
“You look fancy,” Pop says with a smile. She knows I don’t ever dress up. I hate heels. And dresses. I only wear either when I’m forced to.
“Shut up.” I laugh at her. I need to catch Poppy up on everything, so she can have my back in there. I’m gonna give her the brief version. “Okay, here’s what you need to know. Remember that night that we all went out in Clemson and ran into Graham and Knox?”
She nods and adds in a, “yeah, fuck those guys.”
“Well, turns out I didn’t have a reason to be mad at Knox after all; it was a huge misunderstanding.”
“Huh, okay. So, we don’t hate them?”
“Oh, we still hate Graham. That guy’s gonna be on my shit list until he apologizes to Em and makes what he did right. I get that he’s going through some shit right now, but he crushed her, and I won’t be forgiving him any time soon.”
“Yeah, fuck that guy.”
“Anyway, Knox and I started talking again. A few months later we kinda hooked up. Then Graham’s dad died. I got scared and told him we should just be friends. He got pissed and hasn’t spoken to me since. I realized I made a huge mistake, and I want to be with him, but he won’t answer my calls or respond to my texts, so this is my grand gesture moment. Shit idea?”
“Not. At. All. I live for rom-com moments, you know this. Okay. So, what’s the plan?” Skatá, I haven’t gotten that far yet.
“I thought I’d go in there, order a drink and say, ‘hey, I made a mistake and I think I love you.’ You think that’s too much? Not enough?”
She chuckles a bit, “Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. You have no idea how to properly do a grand gesture, maybe skipping out on all those sappy movies was a mistake,” she chides me. “You can’t just go in there and say that. Wait. You love Knox? Like you’re in love with him?”
“I think so. He’s my best friend. And, OMG Pop, he can do amazing things with his mouth. And his hands. And his, um, appendage.”
“Eww. TMI! Okay. So, the plan for tonight is to feel him out and have a couple drinks. No more or you’ll fall asleep and I’ll end up flirting with someone who is way less attractive than I think they are. And then Reed would get jelly and break up with me, and it’d be all your fault.” That I could deal with. I can’t believe she’s still dating that douche. “If he’s receptive, you can hint that you’d like to take him on a date. That’s where you’ll woo him and tell him how sorry you are and how much you love him. You've wounded his pride; it might take a second for him to come around. You're gonna have to be patient.”
“Perfect. I have zero patience. I'll wait for Knox though. He's worth it.” We walk arm in arm through the roll-up garage doors and find two empty seats at the bar. Jemma is pouring beer with her back turned toward us, but there’s no sign of Knox. We order margaritas and wait. I’m so anxious I can barely sit still.
Poppy is the worst wing-woman. She’s had her eyes glued to her phone texting Reed this whole time. Which is how I get stuck talking to the girl on my left. She looks like she was homecoming queen about five years ago, and just can’t let the crown go. You know the type; spends two hours getting ready to go to the grocery store. Needless to say, I look way underdressed next to her. She’s waiting for her friend, who apparently went into the back with her boyfriend a few minutes ago. I’m assuming they’ll both be out of the bathroom soon, looking appropriately disheveled. Lucky ducks. I haven’t had sex since, Knox. But I’m here to do something about that.
I gulp when I’m nervous, so the first DepotRita goes down quicker than I planned. If Knox doesn’t get here soon, I’m going to be well on my way to drunk town. I need to start sipping. I can’t have this conversation with him, drunk. All kinds of things will spill out of my mouth.
“You look so familiar, are you sure you didn’t go to St. Matthews. I’m sure I know you from somewhere.”
“Nope, I’m a Wildcat (WCHS’s mascot). Well, I was. I’m a Chanticleer now. I play basketball at Coastal. Maybe you’ve seen me on tv.”
“No. I don’t watch sports. Maybe you just have one of those faces.” She slurps down the rest of her brown concoction and waves to Jemma for another. “So, what brings y’all out tonight?”
