Page 94 of The Lies That Shatter
Hallie looks to be now more interested in eating the banana than throwing it. The gorgeous toddler with beautiful brown curls and the brightest blue eyes, looks over at me, assessing me like she’s much older than she actually is.
I want to look away from her penetrating gaze, but I don’t. I allow her the time she needs to adjust to the stranger in the kitchen with her. As that’s what I am…a stranger. I may have lived here a month, and met her briefly on a couple of occasions, but this is the longest I’ve been in the same room as her, and she has a right to assess me.
After a few minutes, she gives me a gummy smile that’s full of mushed up bananas, and lifts her hand to wave at me. I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding and sigh, as I return her wave.
There’s something so simplistic about a child and the genuine emotions they have, and the grin on little Hallie’s face managesto break through my darkness for the first time in weeks, and I find myself smiling back.
Kellan hands me a coffee and takes a seat opposite me. He’s silent for a moment, letting me drink my coffee while he watches Hallie. I think he’s still on edge, waiting for her to attack again, but he enjoys his drink while she’s being good.
When Kellan does talk, it’s so easy, it feels…nice. “How are you feeling?”
“Numb,” I reply, though I’m a little shocked at my own honesty.
I’ve grown so used to just saying that I’mfine, I expected the same word to slip out again. It’s pretty much my automatic response these days, as I’m not sure people actually want to hear how messed up I really am.
If Kellan’s shocked by my honest reply, he doesn’t let on. “I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I know what you’re going through, because I don’t. There’s far too many people in this house that have been through the same thing as you, and they can relate much better than me.
“But the one thing I do know is that now is the time to pull people close, not push them away. It’s really easy to let the darkness consume you, but you don’t have to let it. Instead, you need to fill that space with all the things that bring light into your life. You may not be able to fight off the darkness on your own, but if everyone who cares about you brings a little light, when you have them all together, that light will easily outshine the darkness.”
His words repeat in my head, and for the first time since leaving the hospital, I feel like I’m thinking clearly. It’s like the fog that’s been clouding my brain for the last few weeks is finally lifting, and I can see the trees again. I also think Kellan may be right. This isn’t something I can beat on my own, but nobody ever said I needed to do this alone.
“I’m worried that if I let Finn in, let him see all my scars, he won’t want me anymore,” I confess, as I keep my eyes fixed on the coffee in front of me.
There’s something so easy about talking to Kellan, but looking at him is a whole different thing. Though when he lets out a humourless laugh, my eyes flick up to meet his. He’s wearing that cocky grin of his that makes me smile.
“Finn has been in love with you since you were five years old, since the first day you met. He knows what it feels like to lose you, and for him, that was the worst pain in the world. Nothing will change how he feels about you, I’m certain of that. But, you will never truly know how he feels until you show him the scars. Give him a chance. You never know, he might surprise you.”
“You’re a lot smarter than anyone gives you credit for, Kellan,” I reply, and he just laughs.
“Maybe, but don’t tell anyone. Everyone might start coming to me for advice then. The last thing I want is that chirpy asshole, Kian, trying to talk to me in the morning,” he grumbles, though I can see the cocky grin he tries to hide behind his coffee mug.
The way he smiles reminds me a little of Finn, and the more I look at Kellan, the more I see of the other Doughty siblings. How the hell none of us realised he wasn’t a blood relation is a little worrying.
I finish my coffee as we continue with a little small talk. Nothing too serious, just talking about Hallie and the new baby. I still can’t believe he and Mia are going to have another baby, but he seems thrilled about it, if not a little terrified. The thought of another Hallie is a scary thought.
The more I talk, the more I feel the darkness start to lift. It’s still there. It’s not going to go away like that. But Kellan shines just enough light to help me find my way back, and there’s only one place I want to go… to Finn.
Feeling more confident and more like myself than I have in just over a month, I walk up the stairs towards the bedroom we share, feeling my determination grow with each step. My physical wounds have been healed for a couple of weeks, and most of them have dulled down to red scars now. The most they do is itch and trigger the emotional and psychological scars. But I’ve decided that today is the day I’m going to start healing those, too.
As I walk into the bedroom I share with Finn, my heart races so fast I can hear it beating in my ears, and despite trying to keep control of my breathing, my chest is rising and falling too quickly. Panic is setting in, and my palms are sweating in a very unpleasant way, but I push the nerves aside as best I can.
I count slowly in my head, breathing in between each number, like the counsellor taught me. It’s supposed to help ground me and keep me here in the moment, so my thoughts don’t stray to the darkness.
I close the door behind me and see Finn sitting up in bed. He’s got a book in his hands, and when he hears me click the lock in place, he looks over at me. He gives me a small smile, but it’snot the bright, cocky smirk I expect from him, and that breaks my heart a little.
I’ve seen him smiling at me over the last month, but I obviously wasn’t paying enough attention to really take notice. Now I see him clearly, and I hate how broken he looks.
His dirty-blonde hair has grown a little longer on top, and it’s sticking up at all angles—the perfect messy bedhead look. His beautiful face is paler than normal, his cheekbones slightly more pronounced, with a lot more stubble across his face than he normally wears.
His eyes that normally shine bright blue look duller, and the dark circles that surround them give an almost shrunken appearance. He looks tired and drained, and I know it’s my fault. He barely sleeps, so that he can keep watch over me while I sleep, knowing that I will need him when I wake up in a nightmare.
“Morning,” I whisper, and his eyes widen when he hears me.
It breaks my heart to see the little glimmer in his eyes with just one word from me. I’ve never felt more selfish. I’ve allowed the darkness to consume me, and Finn has been by my side looking after me the whole time, but nobody has been here for him. He’s been going through this all by himself, and that kills me.
“Morning, sweetheart,” he replies, a slight tremble to his voice, like there’s more he wants to say, but he won’t.
He’s allowed me to push him away, no matter how much it’s hurt him. I need to put this right.
