Page 9 of The Lies That Shatter
“When you broke my heart just before the prom, I was devastated, and for a while, I genuinely did hate you. But then I realised that your behaviour was so out of character, it didn’t line up with the guy I grew up with. The person I thought I knew better than myself sometimes. It took me a while to realise it, but as soon as it clicked in my head, I knew you were just trying topush me away. I was so fucking mad that I had let my emotions get in the way, and I’d allowed you to do it.”
As I’m taking in a shallow breath, readying myself for the next bit of my semi-rehearsed speech, his small, gravelly voice cuts me off. “I never wanted to break your heart.”
Reaching out, I take hold of his hand in mine, and as soon as our skin touches, electricity shivers down my spine. It’s like our bodies are telling us they’re supposed to fit together. He casts a glance down at our joined hands, and for a second, he looks unsure over whether he should pull away or not. I let out a sigh of relief when he doesn’t.
“I know you didn’t,” I reassure him, before continuing. “When I saw you again, all those years later, and you were dating Anita—the woman I was supposed to be caring for—I knew something wasn’t right straight away. No way would you voluntarily choose to date someone in her seventies. Also, you had a different surname, a different background…it was obvious you were undercover on a job. I just didn’t know what you were doing.
“I have to admit, I hated the idea of you dating Anita. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, wondering what it was about a woman in her seventies that you found more attractive than me. It killed me. But then there was Liam’s engagement party. He told me that there was so much more going on than meets the eye—though, I think, deep down, I already knew that—and he asked me to give you a chance. So I did.”
His deep chuckle cuts through my speech, and I can tell he’s remembering that night—almost three years ago now—in his dad’s office. The first time he really touched me. The first time he told me he wanted me. When he admitted that what he wants doesn’t matter, as we could never have a future while he was working for his dad.
“I remember that night well,” he growls, and a blush spreads across my cheeks as I recall the way he looked at me as I fell apart for him.
Does he dream of that night the way I do? Does he pleasure himself while he’s all alone, the same way I do? I imagine it’s his fingers roaming across my body, slipping into my soaked slit. I pretend it’s his large, skilled hands that are playing my body like a well-tuned instrument. Does he think it’s my little hands wrapping around his hard length as he masturbates to the memories of that night?
I clear my throat and try to push aside those thoughts, as Finn and his hard length will definitely distract me from the rest of my well-practised speech.
“I loved that night. It gave me a glimpse of what we could have together, and I wanted it more than ever, but I still needed answers. I knew you were lying to me, keeping things from me, and I needed to know the truth.
“After Anita’s funeral, when you finally told me everything… All about the life you live and the job you do, I was stunned, and I know I probably didn’t react as great as I could have. For that, I’m truly sorry. I’m sure I hurt you when I walked away from you that day. Truth is, I didn’t know what to make of what you told me. The idea that you were basically whoring yourself out, it made me feel sick.”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I regret them. He drops my hand like he’s suddenly realised it’s poisoned, and he steps away, out of my personal space, that mask back on his face. He sneers at me, his voice harsher than I expect. “If I disgust you so fucking much, why the hell are you here?”
I try to reach for him again, but he pushes my hand aside and my heart aches. This isn’t going how I planned. “I’m sorry, Finn. I’m not saying that to upset you, I’m just trying to explain. In all honesty, I was so fucking jealous.”
This time his eyes snap up to meet mine, and his gaze narrows in confusion. “Jealous?” he repeats, unsure if he heard me correctly.
“Yes, you asshole, I was jealous. I was pissed that you were with these older women and not me. I hated the idea that you were willingly giving them something that I had craved nearly my whole life. Of course, I was fucking jealous. Even when I was so fucking mad at you, it made my blood boil. All I kept thinking is why didn’t you want me?”
“Mac…”
Finn tries to interrupt me, but I hold my hand up to cut him off. “That night at Liam’s engagement party, you said that you claimed me as yours. That even though we couldn’t be together, in all the ways that mattered, I was yours. But that’s not enough for me. I am done waiting. So, I’m here, helping you finish this job, then we can finally be together. You have always been mine. You said so that night, and again after the funeral. Now I’m here to claim you.”
FLASHBACK TO LIAM’S ENGAGEMENT PARTY
- TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO -
“Idon’t want to wear a fucking tie,” I pout, stomping my foot like a grumpy teenager. Liam just rolls his eyes.
He’s here while Bree’s taking a shower, under the pretence that he’s helping me to dress appropriately—since he knows how much I hate these ridiculous monkey suits—but really he’s checking up on me.
When we had our talk earlier, and I told Red all about how much of an asshole our father is, and what I do for the family, I know she was shocked. I think Liam was a little too.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s known what my job is for years, and he’s been trying to help me get out before I even did my first assignment. Both he and Kellan kept telling me that this is the sort of role that changes a person. They made out like the things I do are so much worse than theirs, but Liam kills people for a living.
At the tender age of sixteen, I was just pleased Dad had found a use for me. There was nothing worse than my brothers all having jobs that Dad respected, whilst I was left on the sideline. Too soft for Evan’s type of work, and too much of a conscience for Liam’s. But using my looks to my advantage, as well as lying and manipulating people to get what I want, that was easy for me.
So when they warned me that it’s the type of job you can’t come back from, I thought they were just trying to protect me. I should have known they’d be right.
I can’t even view relationships like a normal person. Whenever someone hits on me, I question their motives, thinking about what they’re trying to get out of each interaction. The notion of falling in love and getting married means nothing to me anymore. I’ve been married more times than I can count—though never as my real, legal name—but the more times I do it, the less sacred the act becomes.
People choose to marry because they see it as a permanent statement of their love for each other. A vow that can’t be broken. Yet I’ve said those vows so many times I can recite them by memory, and I can tell you that each time they meant fuck all. I’ve broken every vow I’ve ever made. How can I look for love knowing that I don’t see the point in a relationship? Knowing that I will always be wondering when it will end, and what the other person is trying to get out of me.
“What crawled up your ass and died?” Liam snaps as he reaches over and starts tying my tie properly. I drop my hands,knowing he will do a much better job than I ever could. Story of my fucking life. Always bettered by my little brother.
“Sorry, it’s all this shit with Anita and Mac. I can’t believe, after all these years, she’s finally back in my life. And there’s fuck all I can do about it because she works for the woman I’m about to marry. She’s professional whenever she’s at work, but she barely talks to me. It’s clear she’s trying to avoid seeing me, and I don’t blame her. I see the way she looks at me, and I hate it. The look of disgust on her face—it makes me feel sick,” I explain, my stomach coiling in knots just thinking about it.
Of all the people in the world, she’s the last one I’d ever want to look at me with disgust and contempt. I don’t know if I can ever unsee that expression.
