Page 87 of The Lies That Shatter
“While your brothers found it easy to become like me, to turn their emotions on and off, and do what needed to be done,you weren’t like that. You remind me so much of your mum. You’re gentle and kind, and you always saw the best in people, which meant your conscience would always be a problem in our world.”
“Yes, I already know that I don’t match up to my brothers. I’ve known that my whole fucking life, thank you very much,” I snap, but Dad quickly shakes his head.
“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way, like you weren’t as good as your brothers. In a way, you’re better. You have an innate goodness about you that you got from Von, and I have to admit, it scared me. You were always going to have to be part of our world, as a male Doughty, and I worried that you weren’t made to do the things you’d have to do. And before you say anything, that’s not a negative,” he explains, holding his hand out to stop me from interrupting him, but I do anyway.
“How can that not be a negative? You basically just said I’m too soft,” I grind out through gritted teeth, suddenly regretting ever agreeing to this fucking conversation. All it’s doing is getting me more wound up.
“It’s not a negative because I wish all my kids were a little more like you. I instilled so much fear into you all, most of them lost the conscience that you clung to for most of your childhood. Me and your mum had arguments over it constantly. She wanted you all to stay kids for as long as possible, but I knew that danger follows us around, and I needed to prepare you all for that.
“With your brothers, the training came easy. But with you, it was harder to get you to let go of that caring nature. Eventually you did, and you found your own place in the Family, but it’s not a role I would have ever chosen for you.
“It’s one you’re good at, but I know how much it’s cost you. I watched your heart break when you pushed McKenna away at sixteen. I told myself you were doing the right thing, that shewas the one weakness you kept holding onto. But I can admit that I was wrong.”
“What?” I blurt out, confusion furrowing my brow.
“Over the last eleven years, you’ve fulfilled every assignment I’ve ever given you. You’ve achieved every goal you’ve ever been handed. You have perfected the ability to lie, manipulate, and turn off your emotions in a way that even your brothers aren’t capable of doing.
“Yet the more I watched you, the more I realised how much it was costing you. You were becoming a shell of yourself, and the sweet boy that me and your mother were so proud of was disappearing before our very eyes. And I knew it was my fault.”
His eyes dip to look at the floor, and when he lifts them back to me, I watch them cloud over with unshed tears. I’m startled as I think this may be the first time in my entire life that I’ve ever seen Dad with tears in his eyes, and it catches me off guard.
“I’ve made more mistakes raising you kids than I ever thought I was capable of, and now that you’re older, it’s time for me to at least try to put some of them right. I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong, and I’ve made so many mistakes with you, Finn. I should have never pushed you to choose a side of the business at sixteen. If I had just left you, I’m sure you would have found your own way in our world, but I was worried that if I gave you too much freedom, you’d leave us all behind,” he admits.
I shake my head. “I would never have done that,” I reply, barely above a whisper.
A big smile spreads across Dad’s face, catching me even more unaware. “I know that now. Your loyalty to this family has never wavered, and I think out of everyone, you’re the one who has given the most…and I hate that for you. That’s why I knew I had to make it right.”
My eyes narrow. “What do you mean?”
“When you said this was going to be your last assignment, I was pleased, but I also knew you’d struggle to go back to a normal life after everything you’ve been through. Which is why I got in contact with McKenna.”
“WHAT?!” I shout, much louder than I intended. Mac always led me to believe that she’s the one who approached Dad, and if I’m being perfectly honest, I was too distracted by having her near me, I didn’t read too much further into it, but now I wish I had. “You’re the one who put her in danger?”
He shakes his head rapidly, holding his hand out to stop me when I take a fierce step towards him. I don’t think I’d actually hurt him, but I’m sure the way I advanced was a lot more aggressive than I meant for it to be.
“No, Finn. Just listen. At first, it was just a little digging to find out if she’d moved on with her life. If she was happy and settled, I’d have left well enough alone, but she was just as miserable as you were. So, I simply told her you would be leaving my employment soon, and that if she were to make contact with you after that, she stood a good chance of being able to get to know the real you. I didn’t know she would then go to Evan and demand to be part of the assignment.
“When Evan told me, I was fuming. My meddling was supposed to be about getting you out of this life, not dragging her into it. But she was adamant she wanted to help you, and so we agreed. We did everything we could to keep her safe, and I’m more sorry than you will ever know that this has happened.”
I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding and sigh. “Why are you telling me all this now?”
“Because, Finn, I need you to walk into that mission with this information fresh in your head. I need you to remember that you’re not just fighting for McKenna, you’re fighting for thelife you both deserve. She was willing to throw herself into the middle of a snake pit for you, and you better fucking believe we will do everything to bring her back, so you can both live that life together.
“But, to get you both out of this alive, I need you to be the son I raised you to be. I need you to turn off your emotions, think with a clear head, and just get the job done. I want you to walk in there and follow your head, not your heart. There’s no room for emotions in this job, and if you go in there thinking about her, you will get both of you killed, and maybe others, too.”
His voice is the firm, authoritative tone I remember so much growing up. He’s been giving me job briefings most of my life, and this is the voice he uses to make it clear to me that failure isn’t an option.
“I won’t fail you,” I reply, almost on auto-pilot. It’s the same thing I say before every assignment. Only, this time, a sad smile crosses his lips.
“Finn, I want to be clear. I only want you to be like that for one more job. I want you to wall up your heart until you have McKenna back, but as soon as you have her in your arms, you have to pull that wall down. You have to let yourself feel, so you can really love her.
“I spent a long time trying to mould you into the perfect son, and I’m ashamed to say it took me this long to realise you are already perfect. I want you to have the chance to be the person I stopped you from becoming—whatever the hell that may be.
“I’m so proud of you, Finn, and I know whoever you choose to be, whatever you choose to do, you will make the right decision. McKenna is good for you, and I can’t deny that you’ve been happier these last couple of months than I’ve ever seen you.
“I’ve spent my life making sure my kids are strong enough to survive this life, but I’ve just been making it harder for you all.I thought that if you had people you cared about, they would be your weaknesses. But Liam was the first to show me that having someone you care about doesn’t have to be a weakness. In fact, it can be your greatest strength.”
I can’t help the smile that crosses my face, even though I’m more confused right now than I ever have been. “I always thought that a man with nothing to lose would be the most dangerous, as he can be reckless. But now I know it’s the man with everything to lose. Having something to hold on to, something to fight for, that makes him the most lethal, by a long way.”
