Page 73 of The Lies That Shatter
“I’ve got you, Finn. Mum’s here, and you’re safe. You let it all out, sweet boy, and then when you’re strong again, we’re going to bring your beautiful girl home,” Mum whispers in my ear, clearly not wanting any of my siblings to hear what she’s saying.
If I’m being honest, I barely even notice they’re still in the room. I’m lost in the pain of having my heart ripped out of my chest, while Mum gives me the comfort I so desperately need. It didn’t even occur to me how much I needed it until now.
Growing up, Mum never really showed us the love of a normal mum. She was never outwardly cruel like Dad, it was more that she just didn’t seem to bother with us. She avoided us as much as she could, and wore the mask I now know was all fake. But as kids, we just thought Mum wasn’t very maternal, and that her life with Dad had hardened her so much she was incapable of love.
We’ve since learnt that the way our parents treated us was all an act. The little glimpses of love Mum showed us in her moments of weakness, they were the real her. She explained the situation a little, making it clear that it killed her every time she had to push us away or pretend not to care for us. Although she’s never gone into detail about her reasons, she assures us that she thought she was doing the right thing to protect us.
Mum was more absent than anything, whereas Dad was outwardly cruel. She made us think she didn’t really want us, while Dad made us believe he hated us. I guess that’s why it seems easier to consider forgiving Mum than Dad.
Don’t get me wrong, forgiving Mum won’t be easy, or something that happens overnight, but I want to try. I want to learn who Siobhan Doughty really is, and what kind of mum she would be if she had the chance to do it all over again.
Forgiving Dad is a whole other kettle of fish. Before I can even consider getting to know the real Desmond, I’d first have to forgive all the ways he ruined my childhood. All the beatings, thedegradation and humiliation as he compared me to my brothers, who were great at everything, and the pain he caused both McKenna and me when he forced me into this world, dragging us apart.
There’s just too much history, and I’m not sure I have the patience to even begin sorting things through with him. So, once I have McKenna back, I’ll concentrate on mending my relationship with Mum, and I will keep an open mind about Dad. But that’s the best I can do.
I pull back slightly, looking in Mum’s emerald eyes that are sparkling with unshed tears. “You’d like McKenna,” I whisper, and her responding smile makes my heart ache.
“I remember her as a child. Scruffy little tomboy that was always by your side. She looked like life had never been kind to her, and she wore her rough exterior like armour, which I could relate to. I didn’t have a real family growing up either.
“I saw the way she looked at you, even when you were both only five years old. She gazed at you like you hung the moon, and you stared at her like she was the very earth you gravitate around. Even then, I knew you were important to each other,” she explains, her candour surprising me as she confesses to things I never knew.
I knew that Mum doesn’t have any family that she talks about, but I always assumed it was that they had parted ways when she chose Dad. I didn’t realise she had no family at all—like McKenna. I also had no idea she could see how important Mac was to me, even when we were younger. I guess she must have been paying more attention than I thought.
I’ve been telling myself that we don’t need to dredge up the past to move forward, that I don’t need to know Mum’s reasons, but I can’t stop the question that falls from my lips.
“If you knew how important she was to me, why didn’t you take Mac in the way you did Kellan? I begged you for years, asshe bounced around shitty foster families and group homes, but each time you said no. Then you adopted Kellan.
“I know now why you took him in—though I’m not sure if you knew he was our brother at that time or not—but it still hurt that you wouldn’t help McKenna, too.”
I never meant to say any of that. But the truth is, it’s something that’s always bothered me. If I’m ever to stand a chance of repairing my relationship with Mum, I realise we’re going to have to talk about the hard stuff, not sweep it under the rug. Now isn’t the right time for the discussion, not with everyone watching and listening, but this is a question that can’t wait. I need to know the answer…for Mac.
Mum reaches up and places her hand on my cheek, using her thumb to soothe me. “Finn, believe me when I say that was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I wanted more than anything to take McKenna in, to give her a better life, but I knew we couldn’t.
“If we’d have adopted her, she would have been your sister. Even though you wouldn’t be blood relatives, that’s still how people would see it. Everyone would expect you to see her as just another sibling, the way you all treated Kellan as your brother before we learned the truth.
“Whatever future you were to have with McKenna would have been in jeopardy. I didn’t want people thinking you were in love with your sister, or them viewing your relationship as tainted or wrong.
“But I promise you, I looked out for her throughout her childhood. Every time I found out she was in a shitty home, I got her moved. I wanted to do so much more, but I did as much as I could. I’m sorry if you think it wasn’t enough.”
There’s a sincerity in her voice that calms my racing heart, even just a little. I never thought of it that way. Growing up,my petulant teenage self just saw that Liam was getting what he wanted, while I was being ignored…again.
The jealousy I felt towards my brother, and the non-existent relationship I had with my parents, led me to believe they were making decisions because they didn’t care about me. Now I realise it’s quite the opposite. Mum was trying to give us a chance at a real relationship in the future.
I’m a little lost for words, struggling to think of the right sentiment for the situation. Luckily, Kellan comes barging in, distracting me and everyone else.
“Right, I have some information, but I think there’s still pieces missing. We all need to brainstorm and share information, to see if we can fill in the puzzle,” Kel says, his eyes wide, looking slightly frazzled.
I catch the way he winces when he looks my way, giving me a small smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I know my brother well enough to know that he feels guilty that McKenna went missing when he should have been watching out for her, and he’s worried I’m mad at him.
“Finn, you said yourself that there’s no evidence to suggest your cover is blown, so maybe this is just a jealousy thing?” Bree asks, starting the conversation.
I nod, but before I can elaborate, Shane cuts me off. “I’m not so sure. I don’t believe in coincidences, and too much has happened tonight. Mel was very insistent she meet Finn tonight, and Mortimer was adamant that I move the meeting to the same time. Brandon knew how important the meeting was, and there’s no good reason for him to have missed it.
“That slimy fucker attends all the meetings, afraid he’s going to miss out on something if he doesn’t. So him not showing up is a fucking red flag for me. Bran is up to something, and I think he knows more than he’s letting on. If anything, we need to find out why he didn’t attend the meeting.”
Everyone nods, agreeing with Shane. Liam looks over at Shane as he questions him. “So you think Brandon not showing is linked to McKenna going missing? They don’t even know each other, do they?”
“No, they don’t,” Red replies, before adding, “But Shane’s right. The events might be linked, we just haven’t worked out how yet. Kel, any sign of Mac?”
