Page 34 of The Lies That Shatter
That is most definitely not fucking true. Growing up, I had some pretty indecent thoughts about him, and he didn’t have a clue about any of them. But now’s not the time to point that out, so I sidestep.
“Even if you can read me—which I highly doubt—it’s a bit worrying that Mel can do it. I don’t want to give anything away and blow your cover,” I mutter, my concern for both of our safety suddenly starts to feel consuming.
“Relax, sweetheart. You’re not wearing a sign that says you’re an undercover spy,” he jokes, and my breath hitches when he calls me sweetheart again.
He used to call me it sometimes when we were younger. Mostly when he wasn’t thinking, and it just slipped out. Not enough for it to be a real nickname, but as a term of endearment from his lips, I liked it. I like it even more now.
“But she knows I like you?” I turn it into a question, though I’m not sure I want to know the answer.
“Yes, and trying to convince her that I don’t feel the same is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”
His words are like music to my ears. “You feel the same?” I don’t know why the hell I’m repeating his words as a question, but my fragile ego needs to hear his answer.
“Mac,” he says my name like a long groan, almost like it’s painful to even say the word. “How many times do I have to tell you? You’re mine.”
The possessive edge to his voice sends a shiver down my spine. “I know you say that, and I say that you’re mine, but we’ve never really talked about what that means.”
My voice sounds about as fragile as I feel right now. We’ve been skirting around this for a while. I’ve told him how I feel, several times, and though I’m sure he reciprocates, he keeps telling me we can’t go down that road while he’s undercover.
And I get it—I really fucking do. But there’s only so many times a girl can lay herself bare, without getting anything in return, and it not affect her.
“Of course we’ve talked about it. You know that as soon as this job is over, I will be all yours—forever. I just can’t do anything until then.” He sounds pained, and I know this conversation is hurting him, but I need more.
“That’s not good enough, Finn. I told you I’m happy to wait, but I need to know how you really feel. I’ve told you how I feel—several times—and there’s only so many times I can be rejected,” I snap, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice so he doesn’t hear how fragile my emotions are.
I’m a girl who has been unwanted by everyone her whole life. I thought I’d grown the thickest skin imaginable, but with him, I’m anything but strong. He has the power to hurt me in a way nobody else ever could.
He groans loudly through the phone, and I’m about to tell him it doesn’t matter, that we don’t have to talk about it, when I hear his voice. It’s barely above a whisper, and I have to move the phone closer to my ear to hear him clearly.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I had no idea that I’ve never explicitly told you how I feel. It’s hard for me to admit, because if I let the emotions in, it’s more I’ll have to hide away when I’m working. But that’s not fair to you. You’ve always been open and honest with me, and you deserve the same in return.”
My heart races and I hold my breath. I keep my eyes wide open, afraid that if I so much as blink, I will miss out on his words.
He’s silent for longer than I’m expecting, or maybe it’s just that the anticipation is dragging the moment out. When I finally hear him talk, I hang on to his every word.
“It’s always been you, McKenna. I like you…so much. In fact, that seems like such an understatement. We haven’t even been on our first date yet, but I already know that you’re the only girl for me. I knew it when we met at five years old. I knew you’d be the girl I married and had kids with.
“Life got in the way, and I thought I’d lost you, but I never really moved on. I did my job, but nothing more. No girl has ever come anywhere close to you. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. You’re funny, smart, caring, and I love the fact that you’d kick my ass if you felt I deserved it. You make me laugh, and you’re my best friend—even after all the years apart.
“I don’t need to date you to know that we’re perfect for each other. I know it sounds like we’re starting our relationship at the deep end. Maybe some people will say we’re rushing things, and that it’s harder than we think to go from friends to more. But they’re not us. They don’t know our situation. I do. I know you, and I know that there’s nobody else in this world that I will ever want more than you.”
Fuck! I asked for him to be honest with me, and he definitely fucking has been. I don’t quite know what to say. I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding, and blink away the tears that are misting up my eyes. Once again, I’m glad he can’t actually see me.
The silence crackles between us, and I know he’s waiting for me to say something. But I have no idea how to top such perfect words. He’s right, people will say we’re crazy. How the hell can we be talking about spending forever with each otherwhen we’ve never been on a date? We’ve never had sex or lived together. Yet, we’re sure we’re perfect for each other. How can that be?
As I ask myself that question, I already know the answer. I’ve always known it. “I feel the same way. I think we were always meant to be together.” I hear him sigh loudly on the other end of the phone, and I can’t help but chuckle. “Why do you sound relieved, Finley?”
“I wasn’t sure if I’d said too much. If I was a little intense,” he confesses, and I can’t help but smile.
Finn isn’t great at talking about his feelings. I blame his asshole of a father for teaching him to shut them off, instead of embracing them. But he’s trying—for me.
“No, it’s exactly what I needed to hear,” I tell him through my smile.
“Even if there’s nothing we can do about it right now?” He sounds hesitant, and I know he hates reminding me that I can’t have all of him just yet.
“Who says we can’t?”
“Mac,” he groans loudly, but I cut him off.
